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Relationships

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Original poster

Celibacy? What's your opinion?

20 replies

verymixedupmum · 27/12/2007 14:12

Name change here....

how do you know when a marriage is over? And is anyone in a celibate marriage?

Been togther for almost 25 years- good friends, lovely man, two great kids, loves me to bits and should feel very lucky. However, don't feel the same and never have- married with my head, after lots of rats left me, and not my heart. DID really fancy and love him, but feelings changed almost before we married.

Not had sex for a long, long time...I make the excuses. He's not happy, but accepts it. Makes me feel rotten and that I should let him go, so he can find someone else. (though he does and will say he doesn't want that.)

Some of my friends say I am being stupid and that MOST marriages are like this after 25 years- and no-one is having sex!

Feel I've lost all my sexuality, but it is maybe only with him- he is still good looking and in great shape, but the feelings for me are just not there.

What to do?

OP posts:

Elasticwoman · 27/12/2007 15:44

I've been married 25 years and still have an active sex life, so I don't think you are describing the inevitable.

Do you think your lack of interest in sex is just to do with dh personally, or do you think your libido is low anyway? - If so, it might be worth seeing a doctor.

If it is just dh you don't want sex with, despite all the great qualities you mention that he has, why do you think that is? You must have had sex with him in the past - was it so bad you can't face it again?

Original poster

verymixedupmum · 27/12/2007 16:03

This sounds realy silly, but i just can't bear the way he kisses- he is a useless kisser! I don't remember it being a problem years ago, but it is now!

I did used to like sex with him, but I think sex begins in the head, and quite honestly, we don't have much in common.

I just find most things he does really irritating, and although I canappreciate his "good qualities" he just doesn't turn me on, in any respect.

OP posts:

Elasticwoman · 27/12/2007 16:17

This may sound like heresy, but you can have sex without kisssing.

Elasticwoman · 27/12/2007 16:19

Also, perhaps you could find a way to put some distance between you and his irritating habits, and try to find some common interests. What about your children - aren't they a fascinating topic of conversation?

YuleLoveHekateAtSolstice · 27/12/2007 16:25

You can have a sex-free marriage (I'm in one) but you can't have a marriage without love.

I love my husband, he loves me, we just don't have sex. But we get on great and are very happy together.

Not having sex is not a problem.

Not having sex as a symptom of an unhappy marriage is a problem.

Do you see the difference??

needmorecoffee · 27/12/2007 16:29

not having sex wont work if one person wants it and the other doesn't. But you can have a sex-free and happy marriage. You sound very unhappy though.
Have you thought of counselling? Are you fed up in other areas of life? Did he have those irritating habits when you first met?
I would recommend counselling if you want to save the marriage or parting if you don't.

Original poster

verymixedupmum · 27/12/2007 16:42

Counselling- I AM a counsellor lol! I don't think counselling would help, thanks. I won't discover anything about myself that I don't already know.

I am interested in why some of you have sexless marriages and are happy with that: are both of you happy with that, or is one of you putting up with the situation, and putting on a brave face?

Of course, the children are a topic of conversation and mutual enjoyment- but they are grown up now and away at uni.

We do have SOME common interests, and I have worked VERY hard over 25 years to ensure we do.

I think the bottom line is that although I like him, I don't really love him as I should - I find the idea of having sex with him quite revolting, even though he is not a revolting man in any way. I have got a lot of thinking todo- I am in my 50s, and have only worked part time since having the kids- I would be very poor if we split up, and life would change considerably. I know that is not a reason to stay together, but it is still an important factor.

OP posts:

Elasticwoman · 27/12/2007 16:48

I don't think finance is a bad reason to stay together. But as others have said, a sexless marriage won't last unless both parties are happy with that.

YuleLoveHekateAtSolstice · 27/12/2007 16:49

Yes. Both of us are happy with not having sex. Just not bothered about it. What is it anyway? It's sweating and grunting and a contraction. As a physical act, well, a big 'So What'.

Love is in the head and heart, not the genitals. If you want to have sex cos you like it, fair enough, an activity you enjoy, great. But if you as a couple don't want to do it, it doesn't have to mean anything, relationship wise.

madamez · 27/12/2007 17:01

Celibate marriages are fine as long as BOTH partners are happy with sex-free living. If one partner is not happy then there is a problem and it needs to be addressed (and not by making the partner who wants sex 'learn to control him/herself' either).

Without knowing either you or your partner, VMUM, I'm offering the followingas things to htink about rather than instructions and/or assumptions about you or your partner.

Do you ever think you might like to have sex with someone other than your DP (either a celeb or someone you know/work with/see in the supermarket) or does the idea of sex with anyone leave you unmoved? (ie are you turned off by him or just not very interested in sex)

Are there sex related activities that you mind less than other ones ie you don't want vaginal penetration but don't mind giving him a hand shandy or him going down on you? (ie is there room for some sort of affectionate compromise)

If you don't want sexual contact or sexual activity with him yet he has an active libido, how are you prepared for him to manage his sexual desires? WOuld you be OK with him visiting a sex worker ( for the sake of argument we will hypothesise) a consenting, high-end one Not some poor trafficked terrified one)? Having a series of one night stands? Buying or viewing porn to have a hand shandy over?
DO you want to know what he does with his libido, or would you prefer him to just get on with it as long as he doesn;t do anything that is publicly embarassing for you or expose you to the risk of any STIs?

How would you feel if he announced that he had 'fallen in love' with someone else and was therefore going to leave you? If the answer to that is' relieveed' then maybe you need to think about ending your relationship.

SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl · 27/12/2007 17:04

sounds to me like you would like a sex life..and so would he

i couldn't do it

if anything it's more important to me now than when i was younger

i think you have to understand yourself what other people do isn't important

OverMyDeadBody · 27/12/2007 17:13

some really good advice on here already, especially from hekate and madamez, just wanted to add, do you have no interest in sex at all, including DIY or is that still there? Is coming something you enjoy on your own or would it never cross your mind?

I know personally sex is an activity I really enjoy so I could never be celibate, and at times when I'm single I still enjoy having a play on my own , could definately not go without that!

But as hekate said everyone's different and some people don't get enjoyment out of these and so don't need it or want it.

I guess you need to know whether it is sex with your DH that you don't wnt or just sex that you don't want?

Shiraz76 · 27/12/2007 20:07

OP, you are probably just bored of your DH. I am sure most couples are a bit bored 'sexually' after so long together.

Have a fling (only joking, I will get slated for saying that).

I say well done for being married for 25 years, a lot of people cant last 10 let alone 25.

Original poster

verymixedupmum · 27/12/2007 20:22

Thanks for all the messages...
I don't think there is an easy answer..I'll try to respond to some of your points.

My libido- I don't know. The less you do it, they say, the less you want it....

I do fancy other men, but at a distance of course.

I don't have orgasms easily- I can count them on one hand- so maybe I have a problem there too! Don't suggest therapy- been there, done that, got the T shirt! Never been a real issue as happy to be very turned on, even if it doesn't end in fireworks!

We still have intimacy, but not full sex. What he does in terms of DIY is up to him - that doesn't bother me. I know he would never, ever, pay for it.

My personal opinion is that I am shutting him out physically because of my deep disappointment in my marriage - I have never, ever felt 100% sure that he "was the one". I have almost strayed a couple of times over the last 10 years.

Reading other people's comments about their marriages here makes me feel I am very, very lcuky, as he is very good man in so many ways and is the only man I have ever felt secure with- the others have all let me down.

I have nearly left him many times in the past but stuck it out for the sake of my children. What we are left with is a friendship, but no real sex- not on my part anyway. I don't know if I will ever feel differntly- I want to, as he is a decent man who deserves better. As for imagining him with someone else- sometimes that thought bothers me, other times it doesn't.

OP posts:

madamez · 27/12/2007 20:30

VMUM: appreicate that it's not that easy a problem to solve. FWIW a contented life is not a bad thing to have, and blazing romantic passions rarely last very long. If you are not actively unhappy and as far as you know he is not, either, then it's not such a bad thing to carry on as you are.

BooBar · 27/12/2007 20:36

i bet you are not the only woman that feels this way. what are the options for you? or any other woman that is in this situation.

1 you leave your DH, live in a smaller house and live a less extravegent lifestyle
2 you stay with your DH cos compared to a lot of men he is a good bloke BUT, remain unhappy for the rest of your life
3 have a fling and see if sex is any better with someone else (at least then you will know if its your DH thats the problem or you)
4 Stay with your DH but if someone else comes along that you really like, ie sexually, and in every other way, then leave him.

I think option 4 is the best.

At least you are in a job and probably can support yourself and your DC's, a lot of women on here are SAHM's and must feel really trapped.

Original poster

verymixedupmum · 27/12/2007 20:36

Thanks! madamez.

OP posts:

sandyballs · 27/12/2007 20:51

i think the fact that you describe yourselves as good friends is very telling. That is something to cherise after 25 years. You also describe him as a lovely man who loves you to bits. Just because you aren't ripping each others clothes off doesn't mean you aren't meant to be together.

Original poster

verymixedupmum · 27/12/2007 21:29

Thanks for the comforting words. I need them!

The money is an issue- we live in a very expensive part of the country. If we were ever to spilt up, I'd be much worse off- I do have a job but I am self-employed/freelance, and only work part time. We are in our 50s, and he could retire in a few years and we'd be relatively well-off- final salary pension and all that.

I think my dilemma is that we feel differently about one another - he fancies me as much as when we first met, he says, but I don't feel the same. We had 2-3 years of great passion when we first met, but then it petered out for me.

The lack of sex is me saying I don't want to be that close- or a sign that I don't feel that close any more. I really want to, but I just don't feel like that about him. But on the other hand, my marriage is not so bad that I want out, although I feel very sad and very guilty that I can't match his feelings.

OP posts:

noranora · 27/12/2007 21:40

verymixedupmum,
as far as i see, you have tried all the options, and i think there can be done nothing atm.
maybe other option is leave it to time but take your precautions.
x

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