Announcing second pregnancy to estranged family

[DontKnowWhatIsWhatTheyJustHug]

Hello! I think I’m half venting here and half wondering what other’s would do in this situation.

Things with my parents and grandmother (dad’s side) are very strained. Over the years I felt that I could only get my parent’s time if I were to take them out for dinners or give them extravagant gifts. I couldn’t really afford to keep this up and when I started drawing back on the £££ I barely saw them. I think they feel entitled to any money that I have (less than UK average so nothing special).

Announced pregnancy with DS a few years back, they weren’t excited. Haven’t been involved much. My dad and grandmother can be loud and overbearing which would overwhelm my son. He’s never bonded with them. Cue his second birthday 7 months ago. He had been sick that morning (which they knew of) and when they came marching in he was upset. My dad was mocking his cries and I asked him to stop. He went mad and stormed out. My grandmother followed him. My mum stayed. I haven’t seen my dad or grandmother since. It’s been a long time coming with my dad, he’s just not a good person. I thought he’d improved over the years but I think distance just masked that he had not.

Since then, my mum visits sometimes as frequently as every week (we all live in the same town) but at the moment it’s approaching a month since we’ve seen her. There’s no pattern. It’s quite simply she doesn’t visit if there’s a better offer. We barley talk in-between. Conversation revolves around her and I’m more of an audience than a participant. She rarely asks about DS in-between visits. When she is with DS they play so well. He asks for her for a few days after a visit but then stops mentioning her when she hasn’t been for a while.

I phone my grandmother twice a week. Not long after DS’s birthday she had been harsh towards me in a conversation about my dad storming out. I thought, I was defending my son and I don’t need that. I didn’t call for a week or so until she left a voicemail sounding desperately upset asking for me to call her. The calls are awful. Repetitive and boring. She doesn’t listen to me and she has thinly veiled remarks with things with my son. Things like him attending nursery etc. She has so many presumptions about him although she barely sees him.

We’re now expecting DC2. Going to tell family members soon. I think I’m happy for things to continue as they are with my mum. When she does turn up, DS has fun with her. Definitely not going to change the status quo with my dad. My grandmother - I have no clue about. She doesn’t ask to visit (I don’t ask her either). I don’t know if she’ll want to meet the new baby. If she started visiting soon and built up a relationship with DS first I think that would be ok. If she doesn’t and just expects to see the new baby, I think that’s just crap for DS. I’d be tempted to say it’s not going to work that way.

Sorry for the long thread. Thanks for bearing with me. What would you do in this situation?

I'd stop bothering with them at all tbh.

But if I had to continue to deal with their shit I'd not make a special announcement, I'd just tell them if I happened to be calling them or they called me.

I'd also end every conversation the second they started being spiteful.

Stop making so much effort with people who make none for you. Don’t call them, don’t tell them. They aren’t going to change

Your title is a bit of a contradiction in terms. You don't make announcements to people you're estranged from, by definition.

I think you need to take yourself and your own title seriously and be properly estranged from them. You can tell anyone who actually initiates contact with you. The rest don't need to know.

I'd tell your mom in passing conversation when she visits. Don't bother with any kind of announcement.

Tell your mum next time she bothers to turn up. She can tell the rest of the family if she wants. Their is no need to make further efforts with people that have no real interest in you or your life.

And I’d limit the contact with your grandmother if not stop it all together. It’s not for you is it. It’s just to kept the peace with her rather than face the fact they aren’t interested in your life.

Thanks for your messages everyone. It's strange that I feel that I need to give myself permission to stop trying with these people. So conditioned!

Perhaps I am so conditioned to family drama, but that doesn’t sound like estrangement to me. It’s just not a particularly close or good relationship.

Tell your mother you are pregnant. Let the news trickle through to the rest of the family.

Absolutely bin them off. All they bring to your life is stress.

Best of luck with your pregnancy.