Why does my mum have this affect

[Milkyway34x]

On me...

I'm early 30s. 2 children under 7. I'm a grown woman with my own life. Yet my mum has this way of making me feel small and stupid and I don't like how she is.

Growing up I know she was useless if we were upset. She didn't do hugs. Chats. I remember everything from periods to boys to crying because the family dog died led to her making me feel silly and ashamed of my emotions. I also remember my childhood that she was always feeding us and caring for the home. But It was My friends mum who took me out places like the cinema or to the local carnival. My mum didn't seem to want to bond like that (not that I knew at the time) but when I had my children It was like oh. Thats not right. I realised in my first pregnancy that she was behaving controlling. She wanted me to not find out the sex. She found fault in things I wanted to buy. She tried to say names I liked she didn't want me to use as she didn't like them. She didn't want to come to scans or be there at the birth. She wasn't there in the early days helping. She only came to see the baby then went. She just wasn't there how other mums were.

She's never stopped trying to put me down. She writes things on my new profile photos like you don't look like that today. Or poser. If she sees men giving me a compliment on a photo of me and my kids she will purposely ignore I look nice and just say the opposite and focus on the kids.

She never visits but she always puts me down about my home. Tells me to get tidied or de cluttered. If yhe kids are both at school she will text and say are you cleaning in peace today. When I say no I'm going to my boyfriends for a coffee or going shopping with a friend she isn't happy I'm not spending the day doing what she did when we were kids.

Over the years she's picked at my body and my style. Told me I have fat legs. She hates her own figure so she tries to bring us into it and make us join her with body hang ups. I've lost 3 stone and I'm a size 10 now. So she is less able to comment on my size.

Anyway to the point. My life has been hard this last 18 months. I separated from my children's dad. I am in a new relationship. For the first time I'm trying to balance so much stuff. I have a home with My ex still. Everything is complex but I'm trying my best.

Both children are off school today with colds and coughs. I'm sat having a coffee. Kids are miserable as they feel rough. I am thinking I need to get to a shop. I need to do some washing. I'm planning my day knowing its going to be abit tricky.
So getting a message from my mum saying get teaching them stuff today. Do some baking and switch all screens off. You need a week staying home with the kids and not going out.

It made me feel so angry. She never comes round. My kids are not on screens ignored. They are ill. I've got a house to sort. I have no time. So I text her back and said my kids are not always on screens ignored. She said liar liar you telling me that all of you don't have the tele on and screens. I was upstairs getting sorted and I text back and said you are obviously giving me parenting tips because you think I'm a bad mum and don't do enough. She responded with you have no humour.

All my boyfriends and friends comment on how she talks to me. My current boyfriends never met her but says from the things she writes on My Facebook she speaks to me like I'm still a little girl. He told me this morning that she's abusive and it's sad.

After her comments. I sat on my bed crying infront of My children. Trying to work out if I'm just failing and not getting any balance. I felt guilty and like I couldn't make it OK.

I'm feeling so low and I guess I just need to talk this through.

She sounds like she has a personality disorder.

Also don't take her "advice", she's not a good mother. You know you are a better mother than her (you realised all the things you'd never do, or would do thatvshe didn't) so your judgement and decisions are the ones to follow, not hers.

Just ignore her nonsense.

Maybe grey rock technique and minimum contact. She's like she didn't v little with and for you abd your kiss anyway.

*She sounds like she does v little with and for you & your kids anyway.

It's important to recognise that if somebody treats you badly, as your mum is treating you, the healthy response is to feel low.

There's nothing at all wrong with you, or your response. Feeling low is a signpost. All feelings are signposts. If you consistently feel bad around someone, that's a signpost pointing away from them. Follow it. Make distance between yourself and that person.

It's a funny thing; when someone's behaviour makes us happy, we never question ourselves. 'Am I wrong to feel so gleeful that my partner brought me flowers and made my favourite dinner?' isn't ever a question that comes up on a relationship board. But 'This person is treating me horribly and I feel really low. What's wrong with me?' is really common.

If you think about it, she's demonstrated to you that the thing to do with negative feelings is to pretend they don't exist, even when they really really do. And she's demonstrated to you that positive feelings also need to be negated.

When we stop needing to be parented, we treat ourselves the way our parents treated us growing up; that's what being an adult is. It's taking over your own parenting of yourself. So you're doing to yourself now what your mum has always done to you: having any emotions at all and showing them feels like a sort of failure.

Do you feel the same way in any other relationships in your life, or is it just your mum you feel like this with?

Following as my mum is exactly the same. Right down to the cleaning comments when my kids are at school.

Well she sounds horrible!

My dm is a bit like this, though now way as bad. I used to always feel bad after seeing her and would be going over and over the passive-aggressive remarks she'd made in my head.

I don't see her very often now, and when I do it's on MY terms. So no more coming to mine and staying for hours and hours until it suited her to leave which was very draining. I now go to hers (covid has helped with this as she doesn't drive and won't go on public transport any more) and I just stay for an hour. If she starts on about something I don't want to talk about I abruptly change the subject. I keep it light and don't get into debating with her, il just say "let's agree to disagree" or "that's your view - doesn't mean it's mine".

Take control of your relationship with her - and it's ok to not want a relationship with her at all if she makes you feel shit all the time - she isn't the boss of you anymore.

It sounds like a control thing. Putting YOU down elevates HER - she can kid herself that's she's better than you and knows the "right" way to do things - maybe it's an insecurity or some kind of martyr complex.
Just tell her if she doesn't stop with the negativity you won't be seeing her anymore.
What do you actually get out of seeing her/speaking to her? For me, I still love my dm and know she's a good person and I know she loves me. But I have to take control and do things on my terms or it becomes damaging to MY mental health and happiness. It's good to be a bit selfish sometimes.

I think she's got very clever at hiding digs and cruel comments behind her humour. Facebook has given her more and more freedom to be opinionated and rude. My dad probably doesn't know the extent to how she behaves. I've watched her slag people off to me for months and all of a sudden now she's putting comments on their Facebook stuff and sneaking a kiss on the end. But she doesn't ever put them to us and makes a point that it's soppy and horrible putting xxx on messages. She has codes that only we know so she can put a comment and make q person think she's being nice but she's actually popping.

She gets mad about me going out to my boyfriends when the kids are with their dad. But she is happy for my cousins who go drinking every other weekend and leave their children. She tries to make out to them she loved her days being wild and yet if we did anything she would try drag us back into line and remind us our kids needed us.

I'm not sure what I get really. It's the whole thing I guess. Its My dad. My kids. Family stuff. Its hard to cut her off without hurting the whole family.

I'm going through alot lately and I'm quite good at getting on with it. I've learned who I can talk to and who I cant. I tend to talk to q friend or boyfriend about the stress I'm under on and off.

I guess I feel that it's not nice how she makes me feel. I see other people's humour. But I feel like she's doing alot of this lately. Trying to tell me what she thinks I should be doing with my day.i think she's having to watch her tongue about my new boyfriend. She tried popping at that a while back which I understand was possibly coming from a caring place. But she never asks how its going. He lives in q slightly rougher area at the moment due to his circumstances and its actually a pleasant little street. His neighbours are nice people. My mum focuses solely on the estate he lives on and rather than say are you going to see Emily or James. She refers to James as are you going up the blogs estate. She made a joke I probably look like a chav when I'm up there too. But she never asks me how it's going. I showed her a meal he had cooked Me and she just said oh thought that coleslaw was mash. She didn't say how lovely etc.

It just goes on and on. I'm thinking is this how you talk to a woman in her 30s. She's treating me like a teenager who is causing her concerns.

You can not rely on her for advice. Quite simply she is biased towards criticism. It could be for all sorts of reasons, she might be generally anxious and worried or jealous. Whatever the reason the criticism is not helpful or constructive. So ignore it. Deflect, don't give it any energy.

If you initiate conversations be bland. Ask her about herself. If she gives advice, say something non committal like, 'Thanks, I'll bear that in mind,' or 'Good idea,' (unsaid that you mean in principle is in brackets but the context has to be appropriate). 'Fair point,' is another. Sometimes, if you appear to agree there is nothing to argue with and the focus just moves elsewhere.

Don't share anything problematic because she'll have a solution to it and want you to follow it!

Can you talk to your dad without her and explain that “look Dad because mum acts like this on Social media and the constant digs and undermining behaviour - I’m restricting her on Facebook and I’ll be distancing myself from her elsewhere. I’ve tried explaining to her that her constant negative comments are creating distance between us but she won’t take it onboard and I need to protect myself from her behaviour and stop let her projecting whatever issues she has onto my family.”

If he can’t take any of that in and see what his wife is really behaving like. Then he’s just as bad as she is or taking the cowards way out for an easy life.

If you have siblings that get the same treatment discuss it with them.

Restrict or block her on Facebook. It’s not a pre given right for family to be friends in there. Have a clear out and delete/remove/limit other negative influences in your life.

Yes she’s going to kick off. But what’s the worse that will happen? If your dad knows what she’s like then the ball is in his court. Same with siblings/other family.

You can’t let yourself be held to ransom over what ‘might’ happen if you grow a backbone and stand up to her.

Tell her her negative comments aren’t welcome. Tell her that her comments aren’t helpful. Or humorous. Tell her she needs to rein them in. Or you’ll ensure she doesn’t have the opportunity to impact your life further.

And please don’t tell me she’s a doting Gran or the kids love her etc. You don’t think she’s going to start being the same with them as they get older. Little comments to them about their writing. Their weight. Their acne/insecurities etc. Nope.

Draw your line now. Make your boundaries know. And stand firm by them.

You block her on FB
You ignore her messages
You go NC

There’s definitely a school of thought with some mums that tough love is ok. It’s not. Your mum should be your biggest cheerleader. You may be at the start of a process op, where you have realised this is not what nice mums do and you decide this is not the relationship you want with your kids. Then you go about disengaging. Don’t look for her approval or show her pictures of things you know she’s going to shoot down.
Don’t listen to her advice as you don’t want to be the type of mum she is anyway.
There’s also a bit of a grieving process when you accept you can’t change her.
One day you may understand why she is the way she is and you may even feel sorry for her - in the meantime, put a little distance between you.

Yes I had one like this. Have been No contact with her for 9 years now and it's utter bliss.

Never happy for me, and revelled in anything bad. I could list the awful things she has done to me over the years but you wouldn't believe half of it.

I would try going low contact at first. Just contact her far less often, and Do Not Tell Her Anything. You know she will use it as ammunition against you. Only talk about the most boring things - the weather, Corrie. Never discuss anything to do with your own fears, concerns, hopes or plans. She will shit all over it.

She may move onto a new victim if you are lucky. You need to protect yourself from her.

Thank you for the replies. It helps to read other people's experiences. My dad I think has a tiny idea of how she can be. I remember his brothers wife dying in her 50s and my dad saying something to her in the car after about her never crying at the funeral or she is emotionless. I think she tries to make out she's tough. No nonsense. Can have a laugh. It's weak to do xyz. She's had 2 marriages. 4 daughters. She became a mum in her teens and then had 2 of us in her 30s. She's never worked in my lifetime. She's nearly 70 now. She's not particularly lived independently easy from a man I don't think. I don't mean financially. She used to do a routine pop into town when we were kids and go do a food shop. But she hasn't ever met friends and gone out. Or let my dad fend for himself. She was also very lucky my dad was good at decorating and gardening. He had friends in lots of trades. So she always had her home sorted. Where as I don't have those options and can't afford alot of things right now. So she shames me for not having a perfect garden etc. Even though she's never got her hands dirty.

I could go on all day about her behaviour. It's hard to say what place she's coming from. The vibes I get from her is it makes her feel irritated and uncomfortable if her kids are shining or getting attention. Trying to be attractive and emotional too. She tries to make sure other people can see what she's writing I guess so people know her daughters nothing special.

You seem to want to involve her a lot in your life but at the same time are resentful of the amount of involvement she has. How does she even know your children are off school?

If you just spoke to her once a week or so you'd be much happier. Remove her as a FB friend if she always mocks you. When she asks why "because you keep making horrible comments, as always".

Some of us have fairly rubbish (but not abusive) Mums and it's miserable so you have to find a way to detach. If there was out and out abuse you probably wouldn't feel so conflicted. It's hard but you now need to take control of the dynamics of this relationship - after all, as you said, you are in your 30s now.

OP i can completely relate, having experienced very similar behaviour over the years. What has helped me has been to recognise this is about her and not me. My mum's background and upbringing shaped who she is and over the years she has projected her own feelings of inadequacy on to me. I honestly don't think she has any understanding of the impact her behaviour has had at times. I know she loves and cares for me but accept that she doesn't know how to show me in a supportive way. Over the years I have learned to switch off and detatch.
I'm not accountable to her and while I love her I don't attach value to what she does anymore. We get along fine, although I do sometimes feel sad for her as I know she is unhappy and unfulfilled. It's been a long process to understand that I won't and don't need to try and win her approval, but I strongly feel I am a better parent as a result. Hope this helps a little?