Feeling confused

[ABE5477]

Good Morning,
Six years ago I fell in love with another guy and we bought a house together. I've just found out that my partner has been in a secret relationship for a couple of months. He claimed him and the new lover were just friends and said I was being paranoid. I had a gut instinct which has proven to be true. The new love seems to know intimate details about my exs past which he isn't usually open about.
I'm devastated but he wants to remain friends with me. He says he still loves me but that the relationship is irretrievable. Currently he is feeling overwhelmed and is not attending work or other commitments.
What on earth is going on? Was he bored in the relationship, does he want to split but not hurt me? Perhaps he's in love with both of us?
I'm feeling hurt, betrayed and confused. Should i ignore him and take time to heal? Should we talk things through? Six years is a long time. I wonder of he thinks about me still but in some ways I feel replaced/forgotten about. Thank you wonderful people.

Do you want to remain friends is more the point I think? If you're hoping to get back with him then I'd say don't stay friends or you'll just be doing it in the hope that you do and won't be able to move on. You probably won't ever get to the bottom of why he strayed and he may not even fully know himself. He's stated he doesn't want to get back together. Might not actually be anything you've done/not done. Sorry you're going through this but move on. Things will get better.

So he says he still loves you. Does he explain why the relationship is irretrievable?

That feeling of being replaced/forgotten about - it could well be that. For whatever reason, he's found something 'lacking' about you, something that he (foolishly) believes this OW does not lack.

It's a bit like comparing apples and oranges though, which men often do not realise until it is too late. For example, you cannot compare the everyday 'putting out the bins' kind of relationship with the rose-tinted, loved-up spectacles of someone you don't share a toilet with.

I think you should talk things through with him.

The minute he decided to deceive you he stopped being a 'friend'. Be careful. Maybe his friendliness is a way to keep you on bored whilst the financials are sorted out. He doesn't want to be friends he wants to keep you onside

Thank you. I still love him which is the problem I guess. To be friends, knowing he has this new partner would be heartbreaking. Before he met me he had lots of short relationships. Maybe 6 years has been too suffocating for him.

I’m not sure what you’re asking? He has met someone else and ended your relationship. As such you need to accept this. Loving someone and being in love are very different things. He is saying he no longer wishes to be romantically involved with you.

You have not been replaced, each relationship is different, he has simply ended one relationship and started another.

I’m sorry you’re hurting, for a time maybe go no contact whilst you heal

@Bowwowwowoh

So he says he still loves you. Does he explain why the relationship is irretrievable?

That feeling of being replaced/forgotten about - it could well be that. For whatever reason, he's found something 'lacking' about you, something that he (foolishly) believes this OW does not lack.

It's a bit like comparing apples and oranges though, which men often do not realise until it is too late. For example, you cannot compare the everyday 'putting out the bins' kind of relationship with the rose-tinted, loved-up spectacles of someone you don't share a toilet with.

I think you should talk things through with him.

Why are you assuming this is a straight relationship? I think the world has moved on from this assumption. The op could be male.

Before I found out the truth I was questioning him over the new friend and how they'd been inseperable for the last month . He called me paranoid and controlling who he can see. He said there are trust issues. That was the reason why it was irretrievable along with my faults which had happened ages ago and which I thought had been forgiven about

Your best option is to cut him out of your life completely and make the effort to move on after a period of mental healing.

Do not remain 'friends' with him. He is not your friend. He lied and deceived you and used you. To keep contact with him will just drag out the agony. If you need to ask him why and what and get the curiosity out of the way and move on.

Chalk it up as a learning experience and don't make the same mistakes next time, or at least be aware of them

@ABE5477

Before I found out the truth I was questioning him over the new friend and how they'd been inseperable for the last month . He called me paranoid and controlling who he can see. He said there are trust issues. That was the reason why it was irretrievable along with my faults which had happened ages ago and which I thought had been forgiven about

Don’t fall for this garbage. You were clearly right to have trust issues as it turns out. He is trying to deflect from the fact he is deceitful and unfaithful.

There’s nothing wrong in still loving someone who has done this to you but you would be better served now by accepting that is is no longer reciprocated and you should direct your emotions, energy and effort into your future. He isn’t a part of it.

It's horrible to be called paranoid by the one you love when it's their behaviour which is causing you to worry and wonder. That's all your brain is doing - worrying and wondering, trying to make sense of his change in behaviour. And yet so often this is labelled as 'paranoia'. It's an easy get-out, I suppose, when a person is doing something wrong: blame it on your partner.

He has cheated and is spilling the cheaters code.

You are the problem,not me...

What an asshat, get rid

You said that 6 years ago you fell in love with another guy - by that you mean this guy that has now cheated on you? Were you in a relationship with someone else when you bought this house with him? Was he cheating with you, too? Maybe he is a leopard and cant change his spots?

No everything was fine in the beginning, both single. Bought the house 4 years ago.

I'm devastated but he wants to remain friends with me. He says he still loves me but that the relationship is irretrievable. Currently he is feeling overwhelmed and is not attending work or other commitments

I'm not sure how you can say this and then wonder 'what on earth is going on?'

He's explained to you very clearly what's going on.

I ask what is going on as I'm very hurt. Why couldn't he just admit it rather than breaking up and just saying we're all just friends

He's just being who he is. Asking 'why' over and over won't help. You know what's going on.

Turn to yourself now; he doesn't want to get back together or do things the way you wish he would, so you need to stop focussing on the whys of him, and think about the whys of you. It's all about you now, and you managing your emotions in the most comfortable (or least uncomfortable) way for you.

Thank you

It's not a reflection on you personally he just wants to be with someone else right now for whatever reason.

Just get him to move all his stuff out asap and sell the house or one if you buy each out.

Be savage and brutal but in the nicest possible clinical way and then he'll really have to be forced to make his choice. You or her.

No matter what his choice is you are still an amazing person who someone else will fall in love with soon. So look forward to a new start

@ABE5477

I ask what is going on as I'm very hurt. Why couldn't he just admit it rather than breaking up and just saying we're all just friends

Becayse it’s very hard to admit the truth and cause even more pain, many people take the cowardly way out, and soft soap it.