Those who know about narcs/coercive control/emotional abuse...is this what's happened?

[motherhenben]

Abuse is a trauma. While it is still happening - while you are in the traumatic situation - your brain cannot yet begin processing it, because you are not safe yet and your brain needs to prioritise keeping you safe rather than letting you feel emotions.

Once you are out of it, your brain has recognised you are safe now and started processing what happened. So all your reactions to the abuse, to the loss of what you hoped the relationship could be, to the loss of something that was familiar (we miss things we are used to, even if they were harmful), etc etc - all of that is now hitting you. *
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Xxxxx

I read the above and think that's what's happened to me. Left my exH late last year. He has bombarded me with messages to come home ever since.

However over the last few days he's stopped, has been talking to another women and I have felt absolutely horrendously heartbroken but I can't work out why.

I have been so strong and on my path for recovery. Enjoying parts of freedom I haven't had in a long time. No longer tip toeing around and worrying I might say the wrong thing to annoy him.

The minute I find out he is at the beginning of a new relationship and the constant barrage of messages to me stop (which is what I was so desperate for!) I feel utterly broken and sad....like I need him back.

I haven't felt this before. I haven't once wanted to return.

I am just wondering if this is what's happened - my brain knows I am safe so it's unleashed all the hurt I've been holding in?

I know there are some experienced Mumsnetters with great advice on here so I'm just hoping for some clarity.

Sounds like you've got a good idea of what's what op.

Also, with regards to him flirting with other women, it probably makes you feel grief because of a fear that relationship you wanted (but which was never actually a possibility with someone like him) could now be offered to someone else. Of course, this is not the case. He will be a bastard to anyone else just as he was you. But sometimes we mourn for what we wish could have been, even though we have come to see that it was never possible. And that's perfectly normal.

You just have to remember that he is not and never will be a good human being. That you deserve happiness and that you would never have found that with him, only misery.

It sounds like fear of abandonment? Now that he's gone? Or codependence, so even though he was abusive you felt you 'needed' him on some level? Sorry you're going through this

I'm just off to bed so forgive me for posting something fast (and possibly) trite. If you have children, have you ever tried to throw away a toy that they profess to hate only to be met with a howl of despair? Or have you tried to sneak out a shredded dog toy and all of a sudden it's the most precious thing ever?

It's natural, it's all part of the change you are going through and if you can think of him as a knackered toy or a smelly blanket that's better off in someone else's dustbin then all the better.

Gosh it’s so hard. I’m divorcing my DH of 18 years who was emotionally abusive. He started a secret relationship just after we started separation (last June) - we’re still living together and I found out at Christmas. Although i instigated the separation and really do want it, I was utterly heartbroken, and jealous.
Think a few things are going on - much grief, and hurt at him never really being accountable and being able to swan into a new happy life, as PinkBonbon says. This is especially acute when you’re starting to heal and process all the pain, when you’ve lost a lot of yourself because of that person and you know it’ll be some time before you can enjoy a healthy loving relationship.

It's just so very very strange.

I've known about this lady since before Christmas and back then, it didn't bother me. We had already separated although he was desperate for my return.

She had come into his life (or rather he probably invaded hers) and I just felt sorry for her. And it was just another reason to add to my long list of hurtful things he had done to me. And that was that. I carried on being as strong as I could, determined I was moving on.

Now I feel back at square one, the minute I find out it's getting more serious. I'm just lost.

But I have surprised myself at how strong I can be, I didn't realise I had it in me.

Yes, I think you're right, that is what is happening, and I think Pinkbonbon has nailed it too
Also, with regards to him flirting with other women, it probably makes you feel grief because of a fear that relationship you wanted (but which was never actually a possibility with someone like him) could now be offered to someone else. Of course, this is not the case

There's also the possible fear that it's you who caused it, so if he's able to move on with someone else then maybe it was in some way your fault. But that's wrong headed too. He will revert to type, even if it's slowly and hidden from public view.

You've done well to get away, it's OK to grieve the life you wanted with him, just take the time you need.

Be relieved
She will be you one day and probably a lot sooner.
He will never change, all he needs is a stage and one seat filled by someone

Look forwards. You are strong and brave, much more then you know.

Seeing direct and abrupt evidence of a shocking lack of normal human regard and feeling in someone you once loved would be devastating for anyone.

Although I'm sure your ex-husband's barrage of petitions to come back was hard on you, maybe there was also something about the continued contact that gave you the impression there was a chance he might 'get and regret what he'd done'.

But when he suddenly cuts you off and decides to charge off in the opposite direction, it leaves you feeling abandoned and worthless. You're suddenly face to face with the reality that he is unlikely to ever really get it or regret it. It undermines your sense of 'how the world is meant to work'.

Normal people do something wrong, feel bad, apologise and try to make it right, and if they can't, they go on feeling bad for some time. They retreat and lick their wounds. Abnormal people do something wrong, refuse to accept responsibility, try whatever they can to change the outcome, and then deal with the loss of control with absolute denial and acting like nothing happened.

You said you've known about this other woman since "before Christmas" and that you left your husband "late last year". Christmas is barely four weeks ago and at best we must be talking about a handful of months since the end of your marital relationship.

I know a month can feel like a lifetime during a major event such as this but in reality you have barely had time to catch breath since leaving the marriage and already your husband is moving on like it meant nothing to him. No normal person could do that. To see someone you once loved do it is shocking and destablising, and anyone normal would feel a wave of grief for what is irreparably lost.

There's also the confusion of knowing the same painful thing is likely to happen to the other woman. You don't want to wish pain on another human, but you also don't want to think it will somehow work out for the two of them because that might mean the problem was really you. How on earth are you meant to feel? Again, it's destablising.

Maybe it's worth trying to step outside the painful swirl of emotions and realise that the swirl and confusion itself is at the heart of the real dysfunction in your relationship with your husband. Healthy relationships have a deep sense of security, calm, safety and even boredom because the people in them behave in reliable, predictable, sensible,familiar ways.

Your husband's sudden disappearance and the ringing silence and stillness in its wake is probably in strong contrast to the high-intensity drama you have been used to. In that silence, when no longer being drowned out by and focused on his needs, your own emotions and pain have reared up and finally been able to be heard.

Hope you don't mind me jumping on thread,

Your story hit me and felt I should comment,

Firstly I am so sorry you have gone through this but know you are super strong for walking out ,

I was in a 12 -13 year abusive rel with kids dad where I used to go to bed trembling some nights because the anxitiy he caused scared me half to death, I had left him times before but some how we always ended up back together , I made a final break for it 6 years ago after my mother died and the night she passed he left me to go pub with friends, that was it I got rid stayed strong - then a few months later saw photos of him with someone new and HER children and I was absolutely broken (he wasn't seeing his own kids at the time forgot they existence)
I ended up making contact and getting back with him, within a matter of weeks I was back to square on of the abuse the shit the anxiety and I wanted out again but started to feel like I was crying wolf and friends would be very firm and say I shouldn't of gone back I even started Lieing about seeing him to avoid the judgment
After 8 months I managed to break free again or at least get him out of my house , the abuse got worse this time and resulted in a restraining order being issued,

I finally met someone else, around this time of the new relationship my retaining order had ended after 2 years and he made contact with us both new partner wasn't allowed me I was his he would kill him etc

I thought this would put new partner off but luckily didn't , we moved away and now happily married in a safe relationship my only advise is it wouldn't stop you wish you had the life you always wanted but sadly men like that are incapable of it
I know this for a fact as 4 years later I've had the lastest girlfriend contact me on Facebook telling me how abusive he's been to her !! Never stops,

Stay strong girl as one day you will meet a king who will treat you like a queen and this will be a thing of the passed that you won't ever have to relive ❤️

@MummaL32

Hope you don't mind me jumping on thread,

Your story hit me and felt I should comment,

Firstly I am so sorry you have gone through this but know you are super strong for walking out ,

I was in a 12 -13 year abusive rel with kids dad where I used to go to bed trembling some nights because the anxitiy he caused scared me half to death, I had left him times before but some how we always ended up back together , I made a final break for it 6 years ago after my mother died and the night she passed he left me to go pub with friends, that was it I got rid stayed strong - then a few months later saw photos of him with someone new and HER children and I was absolutely broken (he wasn't seeing his own kids at the time forgot they existence)
I ended up making contact and getting back with him, within a matter of weeks I was back to square on of the abuse the shit the anxiety and I wanted out again but started to feel like I was crying wolf and friends would be very firm and say I shouldn't of gone back I even started Lieing about seeing him to avoid the judgment
After 8 months I managed to break free again or at least get him out of my house , the abuse got worse this time and resulted in a restraining order being issued,

I finally met someone else, around this time of the new relationship my retaining order had ended after 2 years and he made contact with us both new partner wasn't allowed me I was his he would kill him etc

I thought this would put new partner off but luckily didn't , we moved away and now happily married in a safe relationship my only advise is it wouldn't stop you wish you had the life you always wanted but sadly men like that are incapable of it
I know this for a fact as 4 years later I've had the lastest girlfriend contact me on Facebook telling me how abusive he's been to her !! Never stops,

Stay strong girl as one day you will meet a king who will treat you like a queen and this will be a thing of the passed that you won't ever have to relive ❤️

Thank you very much for taking the time to write that.

It sounds like life is so much happier for you now, that's what I am aiming for too. It seems so far away but then time is a healer and I know I have to ride the wave to get to the other side.

It is just the not knowing, not knowing how long it will take. Like I said, I was being so very strong but I have a therapy session later who I hope will help me to unravel it all. I always feel great after therapy so I need to work out how to hold on to that feeling.

I can see a pattern with exH. His ex girlfriend sent him a message once in the early days and I accidentally met her. The text said I sounded like a lovely woman and for him to not treat me like he did her. I remember it so well. Now I feel like I have to send that exact message to him regarding his new lady friend - which I won't don't worry.

The relentless love-bombing trying to get you back which abruptly ceases to silence - that is classic narc behaviour!

You wonder how he can turn so abruptly. Your brain cannot cope with it because it's not 'normal' behaviour. No amount of logical thinking will help you understand a narcissist.

People are right when they say you're grieving the loss of something you thought you might had but now can never have. You need to realise that it never existed at all; only in your head. That's a hard thing to have to come to terms with. Thank your lucky stars he will be someone else's problem.

This is when the sad bit comes, but they are just regrets of what could of beens and not what were's, if that makes sense.

It's abit like when you go in holiday after a stressful time and get sick.

Now is grieving time, its healthy to feel sad for a while, treat self to soft things, and then spring will come and you will be ready for what comes next, the good bit where you enjoy your freedom so much you squeal and have solo dance offs in the kitchen!

I think that when you're in a relationship with someone like that, you either leave, or you accept that, for you, even poor treatment counts as a 'relationship'. So, really, in having this negative response to losing his negative and unhealthy treatment of you, you're sticking to your learned pattern.

Can you try to focus on yourself rather than him? Try to work out why his poor treatment of you was ticking so many of your boxes that you're heartbroken to lose it? It's generally learned behaviour; the real you sits inside you screaming, unheard by the outside world, because, at some point, she's learned that expressing herself isn't ok. Parents usually teach this, by either demonstrating that adult relationships don't involve listening to each other's feelings, or by silencing the child when they try to express how they feel.

Does any of that ring any bells?

This is about you, and it's a good opportunity for self analysis. The way you feel is a symptom of a wider problem that you can work out and fix, rather than the problem in and of itself.

I think it might hurt because there is a part of you that will always grieve what could have been, and it looks to your brain like she's getting it.

@TheFoundation

I think that when you're in a relationship with someone like that, you either leave, or you accept that, for you, even poor treatment counts as a 'relationship'. So, really, in having this negative response to losing his negative and unhealthy treatment of you, you're sticking to your learned pattern.

Can you try to focus on yourself rather than him? Try to work out why his poor treatment of you was ticking so many of your boxes that you're heartbroken to lose it? It's generally learned behaviour; the real you sits inside you screaming, unheard by the outside world, because, at some point, she's learned that expressing herself isn't ok. Parents usually teach this, by either demonstrating that adult relationships don't involve listening to each other's feelings, or by silencing the child when they try to express how they feel.

Does any of that ring any bells?

This is about you, and it's a good opportunity for self analysis. The way you feel is a symptom of a wider problem that you can work out and fix, rather than the problem in and of itself.

Yes absolutely, therapy has been a life saver this morning and it's echoed a lot of what you have said.

For the first time we talked about my childhood, mostly my dad that put work above everything else and how we (myself, sister and mum) were actually quite scared of him and how we used to hide any fun that we had.

She said I have to grieve over certain events from my past that all happened very close together. I cried over things I haven't cried over in years. Or ever. It was really quite powerful.

My ex was a compulsive liar and cheat and then I met my ex husband who love bombed me completely and gave me the love I desperately craved yet before long, the cruel side of him came out which left me so very scared but I also remember feeling I could deal with it as the loving side of him was so amazing. He also put work first and I was left suffering like I did as a child. It makes complete sense.

The fear I've been feeling the last couple of days (the confusion of hurting over his new relationship) has now gone and I'm back to feeling strong.

I am going to give it my very best shot! I've been writing a diary which has been and will continue to be an absolute godsend but it's full of reminders of him, the abuse he gave me and my dc. It will be an excellent tool to have when I wobble but it's time to stop focusing on that.

Today I bought a new diary which is 'chapter 2' and I'll be using it to go forward with my life and to get myself better, happier, more confident.

I have also vowed to make little video diary's (cringe!) everyday of me telling myself something good about myself. I have never done this before - saw someone do it on my dds tik tok and it worked wonders for her confidence.

I sent my exH one last message to tell him I had snapped out of my wobble and I will be continuing my life alone going forward. He has sent messages back which I won't reply too.

I can do it, I am determined.

Can you identify the silenced bit inside you? The bit that screams and shouts and has tantrums, the part you always have to shut up because it's so angry/sad/shouty that nobody would ever accept it?

@TheFoundation

Can you identify the silenced bit inside you? The bit that screams and shouts and has tantrums, the part you always have to shut up because it's so angry/sad/shouty that nobody would ever accept it?

I think so yes, a lot of it had come out in therapy today. And straight after i spoke to my mum which helped.

I always thought I was never listened too and I never got the support I needed. So I stopped speaking, held everything in.

My dad is extremely unsupportive, I used to try tell him things and would always know I'd never get a nice/caring/dad concerned for his daughter reaction

If you can start to listen to, and respond to, that voice, you'll get to where you want to be. She's the voice of your true feelings, and when she's happy, you'll be happy.

My experience was that she was furious to start with, and I couldn't do what she asked, so, for example, when she was screaming, I had to work out the message in what she was saying, rather than just do what she said (ie 'go home', rather than 'Throw the TV off a roof in fury') Once I started listening to her and responding to her, she calmed down, and now she just says 'Go home'.

It's like looking after a child; when they have a tantrum, it helps to say 'I can see that you're angry and I can understand why; what do you need?' and often just to hear their anger is useful.

The response you looked for in your father... try to analyse what you wanted, what it would feel like if you got it, and work out how to offer that to yourself. The support you need now is from you, and once you've got your own back, things will feel a lot less volatile and scary.

Sounds like the therapy is hitting some tough spots, but, having been there, I will say that those spots, whilst very hard at the time, are the really useful ones. I could tell when I was getting to the bottom of stuff by watching when I cried the hardest. It sounds like you're working really hard, too, and some people never do that. You'll be so glad you did, I'm sure.

@TheFoundation

If you can start to listen to, and respond to, that voice, you'll get to where you want to be. She's the voice of your true feelings, and when she's happy, you'll be happy.

My experience was that she was furious to start with, and I couldn't do what she asked, so, for example, when she was screaming, I had to work out the message in what she was saying, rather than just do what she said (ie 'go home', rather than 'Throw the TV off a roof in fury') Once I started listening to her and responding to her, she calmed down, and now she just says 'Go home'.

It's like looking after a child; when they have a tantrum, it helps to say 'I can see that you're angry and I can understand why; what do you need?' and often just to hear their anger is useful.

The response you looked for in your father... try to analyse what you wanted, what it would feel like if you got it, and work out how to offer that to yourself. The support you need now is from you, and once you've got your own back, things will feel a lot less volatile and scary.

Sounds like the therapy is hitting some tough spots, but, having been there, I will say that those spots, whilst very hard at the time, are the really useful ones. I could tell when I was getting to the bottom of stuff by watching when I cried the hardest. It sounds like you're working really hard, too, and some people never do that. You'll be so glad you did, I'm sure.

Your replies have been so helpful, thank you.

The little girl inside of me is there, she always has been. I've just never known to actually listen to her. The little girl inside of me is just telling me to keep going. She knows now that exH is toxic. She can accept it and to be kind to myself when it hurts. She is saying to let it go even though that fills me with uncertainty.

I honestly cried today at things I thought didn't matter anymore. They happened and i dealt with him....except I didn't deal with them. I didn't deal with my childhood as I never knew what I had to deal with which has then led me down the wrong path when it comes to relationships.

She's also telling me to start a bloody diet and get healthy!