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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Depression or end of marriage?

15 replies

2021Hangover · 17/01/2022 20:30

Has anyone ever separated from a marriage or LTR and found it helped their depression?

I feel very depressed and I want to end my marriage. I don’t know if it’s two seperate things or one is causing the other.

OP posts:
2021Hangover · 17/01/2022 21:53

Anyone?

OP posts:
Thewookiemustgo · 18/01/2022 09:24

I have never left a relationship because I thought it might improve depression, but I have experience of depression. I saw that you’ve had no replies and didn’t want you to feel like nobody is listening.

It’s an extremely complicated condition and often very hard to pin down causes and reasons. It’s also a truly awful condition which sufferers just want to come to an end, so it’s very understandable and common when suffering, to start to question every aspect of your life and start thinking “Maybe if I changed my job/ partner/ home town/ house/ got away from my family etc etc it would lift.”

Also, don’t forget that at present, your life is being viewed through the filter of depression, which gives you a limited or negative emotional response to things and people which used to bring you joy. Those things and people are still there and when you are well again will probably make you feel exactly as they did before. It’s really hard and very confusing to know what you actually feel or think about anything. Bloody awful condition, not ever to be underestimated, so don’t be hard on yourself.
Was the onset a recent one-off, or have you suffered from it on and off throughout/ before your relationship? Can you pin it down as reactive depression to a specific event? Did it develop as a response to something your partner did/ is doing that you haven’t tackled and have stuffed down and put up with? Depression can be due to losses of actual things (a job, marriage etc) or a loss of a belief or idea about yourself or others : “I thought he would never cheat on me/ be so distant etc” or “ I thought I was a clever person but I can’t be because I didn’t get that qualification/ job offer” etc. It can also be because if unexpressed anger or ongoing resentment that you have constantly denied or stuffed away for the sake of a quiet life. Good counselling can unpick all this confusion and I wouldn’t make drastic decisions about any aspect of your life until you have talked your feelings through with a professional.
Have you suffered from hormonal problems before depression took hold, such as PMT, or if you have children, did you get PND? Sometimes it’s a medical problem which can be solved that way.
Sorry not to be much relationship help, but all I will say is that those closest to you can sometimes seem irritating or hopeless when you suffer from depression, or show a lack of patience or compassion sometimes (it’s hard to live with a depressed person and even someone who lives and cares for you very much might be a bit snappy sometimes, it’s usually frustration at wanting you back to how you were and wanting to help you but not knowing how) when you need support.
It doesn’t mean it isn’t your relationship making you depressed, but it might not be, and you need proper professional help to sort it out and help you find out what you really feel. Randoms here won’t be able to help you know that, if it was that obvious you would already know. Leaving might make you feel better, or when you recover and feel ok, you might have made a decision you regret. Find a counsellor and look into the causes of depression to see what resonates best with you, before you do anything drastic. Take care OP and you can message me if you want to, I understand depression. It can make you feel alone even if you have loads of people around you. X

Thewookiemustgo · 18/01/2022 09:29

Knowledge is power, OP. A great book I read: “Depression: The Curse of the Strong” by Dr Tim Cantopher really resonated with me. It’s on Amazon.

shiningstar2 · 18/01/2022 09:35

It seems to me that depression is a very complicated condition. I know people who have been diagnosed as having a chemical imbalance which does ctors have said will need medication to manage it for the rest of their lives. On the other hand I know people whose circumstances seem to have can see their depression and when they have changed their circumstances their whole outlook has changed.

shiningstar2 · 18/01/2022 09:36

Caused their depression ...not can see 😀

GoodnightGrandma · 18/01/2022 09:37

What treatment are you having for your depression ?

MMmomDD · 18/01/2022 13:22

There is no way to know or test it.
Are you being treated for your depression?

I have been depressed a few times in my life. Had counselling, as well as medication. So I can relate to feeling numb and lifeless.
I think big life decisions - like divorce - need a clear head. And i don’t think someone in the middle of depression has that.
In addition - divorce is hugely stressful. And if you have kids - even more so.
It is unlikely to be the magic bullet that will heal you.

That said - you need to focus on yourself now and on getting treatment. If your H can’t be around and be helpful - then I’d tell him you need a timeout.

myothercarisaskoda · 18/01/2022 13:31

I thought I had long term depression/was prone to depression. After I left my husband I've never suffered with it and realised that it was circumstantial.

What is the reason why you're so unhappy with him?

2021Hangover · 18/01/2022 18:07

Thank you for the replies.

I'm not officially diagnosed with depression, I can manage it on my own for the most part, when it gets bad I go to see my GP and have done a couple of courses of anti depressants which usually lift me and get me back on track. I'm fully functioning and work full time, and for the most part get on okay. I've always been prone to low mood but over the past five years it's gotten worse.

The issue is, and has been for a while, that I just feel absolutely no hope at all. I feel like there's no point to life, nothing to look forward to. If I died tomorrow and went to Heaven and God asked me if I'd had a nice life I'd say yes and thank you and I'd be grateful for all the wonderful things I've had in my life but I would be relieved it would be over. I'm not suicidal though, at all, moreso just like I'm tired.

The reason I want to leave my DH is because he is happy with our life the way it is and doesn't want to change anything. He's very stuck in his ways. I've tried to make things different but I've accepted that if I stay, this is how it will be. I do love him and I enjoy his company sometimes but I can't bear to sleep with him anymore and I dread rather than look forward to weekends when I know we will have to spend time together.

I've been having counselling for a while now and my counsellor is lovely and at first I thought it was helping me but I'm starting to have a bit of anxiety round it now, we just seem to keep going around in circles over the same issue (which I suppose is reflective of what's going on in my head).

I'm so scared of making the wrong decision and regretting it. But I also feel like I'm being unfair to him as well. It's so confusing.

OP posts:
Embracelife · 18/01/2022 18:10

If you cannot bear him and dread weekends
Take a separation
See if it helps

todaysdilemma · 18/01/2022 18:53

It does seem like two different issues from how you've described it. Your natural low mood may be exacerbated by a DH who doesn't like change, so you may be feeling trapped and hopeless. Have you ever had a period where you were single, and how did you feel then?

The suggestion to have a trial separation is a good one. Give you a chance to see how you feel living alone and having the freedom/flexibility to make your life the way you want it. And may even force him to shake things up given his comfortable life is no more. Given that intimacy and time with him fill you with dread, it's probably indicative that you've hit the end of the road. And malaise in a relationship can make everything seem very grey. But if he's a decent man otherwise, it's worth seeing if time apart can jolt you both into action and re-charge your connection.

shiningstar2 · 19/01/2022 19:50

What today's dilemma says is wise, thoughtful and perceptive. There is also something else you need to consider. If you do have a trial separation. What if you want to go back and he doesn't? How will you feel if the decision becomes his rather than yours? I think you do need to explore why you have low periods and you saying you don't look forward to spending time with him seems to indicate that the problem lies in your relationship so I
do think you need to try time apart but be aware this doesn't always mean that the final choices about the relationship will go your way. 💐

TheFoundation · 19/01/2022 21:12

It's interesting that you say he doesn't want to make any changes... what if he did? What if he suddenly said 'Let's move to Australia and open a kangaroo sanctuary!' or 'I've inherited lots of money! Let's buy an Alp and open a ski resort!'

What would happen to your depression? Do you think it would change?

LadyLolaRuben · 19/01/2022 21:18

Not depression but just general bad mental health - anxiety, poor sleep, on edge etc all went within weeks of completely going no contact x

Neveragain85 · 19/01/2022 22:10

I was really unhappy after I got married & ended up on antidepressants for 4 years before I fought back & decided to get off them. Then I realised after I'd stopped taking them how awful our relationship was. I hit rock bottom before I had the courage to end it but seriously my life is like a holiday every day now. It's hard at times being a single mum but it's so much better than my old life. So for me my depression and anxiety got so much better without him. When I was with him & getting off the tablets I used to take my kids to London for a day trip, constantly go out at the weekend to get away from him & realised how much happier I was away from him, how much calmer life was. Maybe some time apart would help you see things more clearly?

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