Living with in-laws or not?

[user33]

Hi all, just wanted to know how many people are living with their in laws in a joint family or living separate in a nuclear set up?

I got married a few years back and live with my MIL who is windowed and I can't help but have resentment towards this. She controls the domestics in our relationship.. example husband isn't allowed to do certain household duties and I can't help feel if we were not living with her it wouldn't be this case and I would be so happily married as opposed to considering divorce. He doesn't agree with her but he can't change it as hes been brought up in a toxic environment to respect the mother as she sacrificed so much for him. She doesn't expect me to do everything but would rather I don't ask him.

Do many people still live with their in laws or just one of them and do they have any issues or coping techniques?

Do people living in nuclear set up have issues with husband's who also dont pull their weight and consider it to be a female role to do the household work and cooking?

Background we both work full time with no kids

Really struggling with this and have cried myself with this situation and feeling like I don't have my own life pretty much every other day 😔

@user33 I haven’t but in my culture is it tradition that the wife move in with the in-laws / husband. It’s becoming less of a thing nowadays, but in the event that one in law passes it is more commonplace that the surviving in law moves in with one of the children.

Out of my cousins / wider family who are in this scenario, it comes down to personalities I think (of both the DIL and MIL). One of my cousins loves it, but she is really chilled and laid back as is her MIL (totally doesn’t interfere).

A few others have really struggled with it. The ones who have stayed do so because of the help with childcare (they have young children). And bizarrely the focus of grandchildren diverts the IL’s away from the DIL.

Others have essentially given an ultimatum to the husband and said ‘them or me’. One has subsequently divorced because the behaviour then got worse with the ultimatum. Others have moved out, but it’s caused a rift and ultimately the husbands are not happy and spend most time running back to their mums home and making sure she is ok.🤷🏽‍♀️.

It’s a tough situation for sure. Can I ask? Are you planning to have children?

My MIL demanded to move in shortly after we were married. Luckily, the only person who was less interested in living with her than me was her son.

There was a LOT of pressure from her, over the years. DH had been raised being told he owed her for adopting him, and she was determined to cash in. At one point, I told him that if he felt it was something he HAD to do, I understood. Just let me know his new address, and we’d sort out visitation for the kids.

He couldn’t handle her staying for a weekend, let alone forever!

@sassbot I think we might

@user33 ok, and how do you feel about bringing children into this environment?
Would MIL Be involved in child care? Is she well enough to be hands on? Would you want her playing a key role in raising your child?

Like I said before, for my cousins/ family friends with children in this situation? They rub along. But there are constant compromises the DIL’s are making as the MIL has a big say in how the GC’s are raised/ fed / dressed etc.

It’s not for me. I could never have done it and aside from the one example of my cousin who is super chilled, no one is having an easy time of it.

@sassbott I think we might be the same culture. Asian?

We are planning to have kids but not for atleast 4-5 years in the future. I seriously doubt his ability to stand up for me and what's right. I can't believe we live in a world where a woman is supposed to still be a homemaker and man a breadwinner but now expect the woman to also contribute.

@ChubbyMorticia I wish my husband saw this 😂 I geniuenlly wouldn't mind living with the in laws but only if me and my husband could also have our own relationship. I somewhat feel I have no home but my husband does try to change the issues I face and how I feel but his mum overtakes so he can't do much

I'd sooner be divorced and single.

@user33, south Asian correct. So I understand some of the issues / pressure you are facing.

Is your family close? Do they know you are struggling in this set up? Is separation an option of you’re severely unhappy or are you trying to deal with family disapproval if you take that step?

Was the expectation to move in with her there before you got married. I guess I mean knowing that if you married him, you'd be expected to move in.

What do you want to do?

A lot depends on the size of the house. If you have your own sitting room and bathroom it could be all right. If the in laws live in a three bed semi, you'll have nowhere private to entertain friends or just 'be'. Their house needs to be a big one.

My family are aware and have are actually supportive over me leaving the marriage..however it's a no win as my husband himself is really struggling with this and is trying his best..this situation has also made him unhappy..he wants to try and resolve this but hes said there's only so much boundaries he can set. He has assured me and also his mother when he has kids my husband's will be hands on however it makes me feel why is a child's love worth more than a wife's? Maybe that's because I'm not a mother yet so inexperience is making me question this.

I did know this before marriage but never saw none of this before marriage. She was so sweet and he was very hands on in front of me so I never saw partirachy as an issue as it wasn't shown..we never had any issues before marriage and I was actually quite excited to be living in the set up as I thought I would be getting the love of a mother and also a relationship with my husband. I wasn't aware the umbilical cord wasn't cut

It seems like he was somewhat deceptive.

Has he always lived with his mother?

You could move out on your own first and see if he'll eventually come.
He can still be a good son and not live there. He may feel obligated but things change. Things that made sense in previous generations, may not work so well today.

Best wishes whatever you decide.

It sounds like he has already made his choice, and it is not you.

If you stay, you will grow to resent him because he will always allow her to have her way. And never truly become a man you can respect, because his mammy still does his washing for him. And he is cool with that.

In turn, if you brought kids into this, they would learn this unhealthy and backwards mindset and likely grow up to find themselves in dominating and controlling relationships, where they put everyone else's needs before their own. Not to mention, your mother in law would probanly not give you space to raise your own child.

It's a car crash waiting to happen op.

I’m sorry but I don’t know why you’re feeling sorry for him. I think it’s great that your family are aware and supportive. That’s huge.

In terms of him saying changes will happen if and when there is a baby? Not good enough and don’t wait for that. If he intends to make changes when there is a baby, why can’t he do it now? If he can’t do it now, he won’t do it when the baby arrives and even if he tries it sounds as though your MIL will assert her authority.

With this generation (and I experienced this with my own mother), there can be a very strong / ingrained sense of cultural duty. The sweet woman you knew pre marriage is probably still there (I could be wrong). But what has happened is now her son has married you and you are a DIL/ MIL relationship, a different environment is now at play. It could be that she has a very strong sense of what this dynamic looks like, she may have lived it as a DIL herself. In which the elder runs the household and the DIL is there to do her bidding.

Unless she resolves to break this behaviour, or acknowledges the issue she is causing, you’re possibly on a hiding to nowhere. Depends on how strong the cultural parent within her is.

Is it an option to move back to your folks / a friends for a few weeks and get a breather from this situation?

Here’s the thing: it will NEVER be better than it is right now. You’re only a few years married. No kids yet. This is as good as it gets.

Is this what you want for the rest of your life? A husband who puts his mother first? Who will back her over you, even when it comes to parenting (since you’re wanting children). Do you want to be lesser than in your own home, with your own children?

Now is the time to take a good, hard look at what IS vs what you hoped it would/could be.

Make your decisions on what is. Spouses are not home improvement projects, nor are you a wildlife rehabilitation centre.

"However it's a no win as my husband himself is really struggling with this and is trying his best..this situation has also made him unhappy..he wants to try and resolve this but hes said there's only so much boundaries he can set".

Unfortunately for you he is mired in FOG which is an acronym for fear, obligation and guilt. She installed those buttons in him and knows how to press them. And he is not trying his best at all here, at least not by you. He is choosing her over you and he is also choosing not to walk away and establish a life of his own away from mother; theirs is also a codependent relationship and one that on some level still works for him. His inertia too when it comes to his mother hurts him as much as you but he may never change.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Ask yourself that question.

You can only help your own self ultimately and this issue is by no means solely a cultural one. Abuse is about power and control and his mother wants absolute over him and in turn you because you will also be expected to comply. Your H is not going to back you up here and so he cannot be relied upon to defend you against her.

Do not bring children into this dysfunctional mess of a relationship. You yourself do not have your own life within this now, bringing children into this will make you feel a million times worse. He is not your project or fixer upper here nor is he yours to rescue and or save.

I seriously doubt his ability to stand up for me and what's right

And that's your real problem right there

As a PP said, this is as good as it gets so it might be wise to consider whether the situation is what you'll be prepared to accept for a lifetime - preferably before you have the complication of children being brought into it

He says his mum wants to be active in doing things and the limitations will be with him in the kitchen and he wants to respect that. He says he will share the rest of the workload in the house and for us to reach a 80% compromise but the rest he wants to respect his mum that when she's there he will not be doing certain tasks. I believe that there should be no restrictions and a guy should do what a girl does..equally a girl should know to do what a guy does.

Should I accept that he does get his hands dirty doing everything else but a few kitchen related tasks he will not do? If it was him saying he doesn't want to do it I think I would be able to accept that more than it being because his mum has said he cannot do it because he's a man. He cooks once a week..does the hoover when asked..laundary and any other tasks..just not certain kitchen cleaning ones

I'd free myself from such a archaic set up and its something you should not be any part of. Their relationship is a dysfunctional and codependent one with each other; you will always be on the outside looking in. I'd leave them to each other.

I'd rather not bring a child into the world under this scenario. They will be socialised by her into unhealthy social roles whatever sex they are.

Remove yourself before it's too late.

My in-laws moved in with us, they have a separate living area but NO WAY would they think of interfering with our marriage/life.

They have been infinitely helpful and supportive whilst minding their own business.

Slightly different set up as I don’t live with my partner, but my mum has moved in with my children and I and I completely sympathise with the type of feelings you express. She is very ‘territorial’ about domestic tasks and her presence generally stifles how our normal family dynamic would otherwise be. Sending 💐 in solidarity

Should I accept that he does get his hands dirty doing everything else but a few kitchen related tasks he will not do?

I don't really know why you're fixating on whether he's in the kitchen or not at all - I'd have thought there are bigger issues than that to address, but of course it has to be your decision

He won't stand up against his mother for his wife. That's your problem. She will always come first.

That's not necessarily a bad thing - if they had a 'normal' dynamic but they don't.

What happens if he wants to make himself a snack? Will she insist it's done for him?

@user33 he’s being controlled. Pure and simple. No one in a household gets to dominate an area/ task and dictate to others what they can/ cannot do. That is what your MIL is doing pure and simple. Any pushback on that will likely be met with huge amounts of emotional blackmail so your husband is constantly trying to essentially please two mistresses. It’s not a strategy that will work.

Your question around what you should accept? Why are you asking us? It’s your life and potentially the next 20-30 years of your life. Is this how you want to live? Is this the environment you want to raise children in?

Today it’s a few kitchen tasks he is restricted from doing. What if tmrw it’s around childcare and tasks related to the baby?

I think you’re focussing on a task and I advise you to take a big step back and look at the core dysfunction between your MIL and husband. This isn’t going to stop. The arrival of a baby will make this all 10 times worse. She will take over. I’ve seen it many a times,

Hi all,

Thank you for taking the time to respond to this thread. I'm really bad at replying individually but Ive read it all. I'm not making excuses nor is he but he is that scared of disrespecting his mother that he's said it comes down to one or two things she is not comfortable him doing but I know it's more than that and it's the principle that we can't decide that as a married couple. I have been brought up to see the men in my life see it as respect and a family home where everyone does their fair share. If I move out it will be permanent. This is taking the tole on his mental state I can see it and I wish this wasn't important to me and I could be this suppressed wife that isn't bothered but I don't want to raise my kids or live my life in an environment where there's such bad gender inequalities. I feel like my marriage has been robbed of me and my husband. Living in a joint family can work and I wouldn't want him to move out as that would creat resentment for him as his mum has done alot for him growing him. But I also want some happiness and respect?