Moving in together. A question!

[PaperBasket]

This is musing rather than an imminent decision...

I have been dating a man for around 6 months who I'd known as a friend for around 4 years before that. It's been going really well and is by far the best relationship I've ever had.

I live with my nearly 16 year old daughter.

I separated from my ex husband 10 years ago and haven't had any proper relationships since until this man because I didn't want to be introducing men to my daughter.

She and my boyfriend get on well but he doesn't stop overnight here when she is here because it's her home and she isn't comfortable with a man staying here yet. I stop at his and he sleeps here when she's at her dad's.

We had a conversation the ther day about the future and he said he would be completely led by me on it but he'd like to think that we would live together one day.

Tbh, I never thought I'd have another relationship so its not something I've ever really thought about but I can see how, at some point in the future, it might be nice.

So it is a musing rather than me asking for advice on my situation because its not something that I'm currently considering but I've aways thought that, if I did ever I've with anyone again, it wud be when my daughter had moved out. But my eldest didn't move out until he was 22 and so that we'd be another 7 years from now and rather seems a long time!

If you moved in with a new partner, what sort of timeframe did you follow? Thanks

I think it’s a discussion to be revisited with both your DD and, if he’s still on the scene, your boyfriend in around two years. It’s hardly surprising she’s currently uncomfortable with the idea of him staying overnight - you’ve only been dating six months, it’s still very early days.

Two years gives you enough time to have celebrated a few milestones together, been on a couple of substantial holidays, learned more about what you’re each like in a relationship - which may be very different to what you’re like as friends.

Thanks. Yes, revisiting it at around the 2 year mark was kind of what I was thinking. I just don't have any experience of it so wanted to see if I was thinking along the right lines. Thanks.

I have no intention of having him stop overnight until she is happy for that to happen. She's known him for a while too be because we were friends first but obviously it's one thing having someone around in the evening etc. It's another thing entirely knowing he's in your mum's bed!

I agree to a certain extent but if it’s a serious relationship maybe you need to revisit this conversation with your daughter in a few months. I get that you want to be sensitive to her but she can’t dictate everything

It's serious as far as I'm concerned and he is older than me and as far as he is concerned, this is it.

That's partly why there's no rush. As he keeps saying, we have all the time in the world and it's more important to him that she feels comfortable with him and likes him and feels secure than he gets to wake up in my bed when she is in the house.

I suppose another couple of months and revisit the staying over conversation wouldn't be a bad thing.

She's not dictating anything. She's a teenage girl who has no control over the situation. She has no problem with me staying at his and likes him and will chat with him etc. She's just not yet comfortable with him being in the house overnight when she's here which I think is fair enough.

I wouldn't want a man in my daughters space.
Is she planning on going to university? If so then maybe you can revisit things in three years or so, once she has been there for a year or so an you are sure she is coping and eont need to come back any time soon.

I wouldn't be moving a man in until she had moved out and I was sure she was comfortable in the new place. There's no need for partners to live together. The comfort and security of your kids should always come first.

@SunflowerTed

I agree to a certain extent but if it’s a serious relationship maybe you need to revisit this conversation with your daughter in a few months. I get that you want to be sensitive to her but she can’t dictate everything

She also shouldn't be asked to make an adult decision on behalf of the adults involved.

The fact she doesn't want a man her mum has been dating to sleep overnight while she's there is understandable and sensible.

You surely agree with this OP? If so I'm unsure why at any point there's been a conversation where you've asked her if she'd mind if he stayed over / where you've 'agreed' with her request he doesn't. Why has she had to request this?

I don't think you should want a bloke you've been dating a few months staying over when your daughter is there as it's unnecessary and you can just see him other nights, like you do now.

My DD is the same age and I absolutely would be taking her views into account when it comes to moving a man into her home. I don't agree that a teenager who would not yet be planning to move out due to age/studies is dictating anything by not wanting to share her home with a relative stranger.

Tbh, I didn't ask her. I told her that he wouldn't be stopping over at home when she was there for all the reasons and she thanked me and said she wouldn't be comfortable with it yet.

She also said she was fine with me stopping at his if she was at home occasionally and him being here when she wasn't.

It's not her choice or her decision but it is her home.

I was really just wondering what other people's experiences were in terms of moving in because I was musing about the future.

She's not looking at moving away to university. It's likely she'll be living at home until her early 20s like my eldest did. And I'm more than happy for that. But obviously if she did stay at home until then I might feel differently about prioritising her wishes.

Tbh I wouldn’t commit to staying put in that house, just the two of you, until she’s 22 or 23. Another 3 years, perhaps. You have your own life to live as well. And she’ll have hers.

I also see nothing wrong with having your serious partner stay overnight from time to time currently tbh. It’s not as if you have a conveyor belt of fellas appearing every weekend - this is your committed partner! As long as he doesn’t “move in by stealth” and become a permanent presence by default, it’s not an issue IMO. Your minor daughter is absolutely your priority OP, but your life and needs are important too.

My partner is moving in after 3.5 years, but he stays regularly now and my DC are used to this and like him. The key things that have helped is taking things slowly, him always getting changed in the bedroom and wearing dressing gown and pyjamas after showers. Being respectful of DC space so we hold hands and hug, kiss hello and bye, but nothing further around them.

He built a friendship with them, helped to teach youngest to ride a bike, takes him to an activity, decorated DC bedrooms. He wanted to be part of our unit and it is possible but takes time (2years probably fine as you just have 1 older DC and less covid issues to delay things).

I'm in a similar situation to you and have agreed with my other half that we'll put it all on the back burner for 2 years and if we still feel the same then we'll have a serious talk about moving in together, rather than wasting the honeymoon phase of our relationship worrying about something that might never happen (but hopefully will!)