How to handle narcissistic father causing drama

[Liverpoolgirl50]

Hi all,

Looking for some advice but I’ll try and keep this short. Father is narcissist, alcoholic and all around not a very pleasant person. Mother is his enabler and runs back every time.. they split up 10 years ago and she got better and became a new version of herself. I maintained a relationship with him (probably naively) because he’s my dad.

They decided at the start of lockdown 1 to get back together after 10 years (?!) which caused me a lot of PTSD at the time but over the last year or so I’ve learned to put up with it and things actually seemed.. ok. Relatively normal. (Aside from the odd manipulative comment from him claiming I love him more than her etc.. always playing me off against her which I hate and have challenged).

Until now.. she didn’t answer his call 2 days ago because she was out with me (he works away during the week) and he’s lost the plot. He’s completely blanked her for 2 days and she has come round crying etc saying I need to get him to speak to her. The issue I have now is I’m now an adult and she is using me as her listening board. He’s texting me as if things are completely normal so I have asked him to ring her and stop giving her the silent treatment, but I’m desperately trying to not get involved. I’m 14 weeks pregnant (which they both know) and it’s causing me all sorts of stress and upset.

I love both my parents but how do I bang their heads together.. I can see them slipping back into old ways and I don’t want to have to choose between them but equally this isn’t good for me or the baby. They are both in their 60s and should know better.. any advice greatly appreciated.

You don’t
It’s their relationship and you have to let them just get on with it for the sake of yourself and your baby

Explain to them both as politely as possible that you are going to stay out of their relationship. My mum is a narcissist and whenever they have relationship trouble I am expected to act as a parent to them both. It’s exhausting and damaging to your mental health. You have to focus on your baby now. They should support you and shield you from this.

Oh that sounds difficult, well you should get that sorted out between the two of you.

Rinse and repeat

I'd tell her straight that she is in her sixties and should know better and that if she is fool enough to go back to a narcissist then that is her decision but you are not interested in being a go between. That you suffer ptsd as as result of the relationship they had and are currently pregnant and wish that she would wake the fuck up and consider being a mother instead of needing one. That her choices are her own but you are no longer willing to suffer from them so she is not to discuss her relationship issues with you anymore. You are not interested in being her sounding board regarding this issue.

Also, might be time to finally cut ties with your dad. But either way, stop discussing things with him that have anything to do with his behaviour or relationships. You'll get nowhere and he may turn on you.

You can only help your own self ultimately and it’s really not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist.

Save your own self here and leave them to it. Your mother will never leave your dad and she gets what she wants out of their dysfunctional and codependent relationship.

Keep both of your parents here, particularly your dad, well away from your child. You will really kick yourself if you allow a relationship.

Thank you everyone. It’s always difficult when emotions are involved - I wish I could just leave them to go round in circles!

I’ve text them both to say I don’t know what’s going on between them, but I’m stepping away from it to look after my own well-being and will ignore any further comments about their relationship.

I wouldn't be wasting my time trying to reason with your father, he's a lost cause.

It's your mother who needs to have some sense talked into her.