Hi, I wonder if anyone who has lived with a narcissist and suffered gaslighting can give any advice on how to recover?
I'm in my early 50s now and have had dwindling confidence and self esteem my whole life and now I've finally realised that being raised as a child by an alcoholic narcissist father until my late teens and then marrying another narcissist in my early twenties, who has gaslighted me for decades, is probably the reason why. I'm really unhappy in my marriage, I want out, I really can't cope with the thought of spending the next X years submitting to being raped once or twice a week by someone who's touch repulses me, someone I can't trust, who manipulates me and doesn't care about my feelings. It's depressing and exhausting. However, I haven't worked for years as I allowed myself to be coerced into giving up a well paid job and now I'm not qualified or experienced to do anything. The real problem though is I don't think I would get through any job interview in my current trembling state. I really do have a massive problem nowadays with interacting with other people on a day to day basis, without being a nervous wreck, stammering, shaking, blushing, avoiding eye contact. I could really do with therapy I think, but I don't know where to get it. Partly, I hope therapy would lead to me having someone cheerleading me on, instead of putting me down, which would help me hugely I think. I wonder if any one else who has been pretty much destroyed by emotional abuse has any advice on how to recover and where to get therapy? There are local therapists who charge £100 an hour, but I don't have income of my own. Does anyone have any advice please? I think it's too much to ask a friend for help with (there's a lot of baggage involved - prostitutes, mental issues, a suicide). PS I've read some great books, which is what led to my recent awakening, but I think I need more than books can offer.