Confused, ghosted by longterm friend

[Lovemusic33]

Hoping to make some sense of what’s happened, I know there’s nothing I can do and he obviously has some kind of issue with me.

Male friend, been friends for 3 or 4 years, he has expressed he has feelings for me several times but I have been clear with him that I don’t want a relationship and that I wasn’t in the position to be in one, I have been single for 5 years and I have 2 dc with SN’s and I wouldn’t want to live with anyone else (introduce anyone else to my household). We kind of agreed to be FWB. During the run up to christmas he was spending a lot of time here (once or twice a week) when dc were not here, he did some work for me, we hung out a bit and all was good. Week before Christmas he want to visit and I said ‘no’ as he had covid symptoms and refused to take a test. He went a bit quiet after this but we still exchanged a few messages. I bought him a silly Christmas gift but obviously couldn’t see him as I didn’t want to risk having covid for Christmas. He messaged me a couple days after Christmas (general chit chat) and then nothing 🤔, I’ve hear nothing from him for 3 weeks, he reads my messages but does not reply, in the last few days he has un friended me on social media but not blocked me. I sent him one more message asking “what have I done wrong?”, he read it but didn’t reply, so I wrote one last message saying I was going to block him as I was just getting upset seeing he’s online and not knowing what the hell I've done to upset him.

I guess I’m just annoyed that he can’t communicate with me, if I’ve done something wrong I would like to be able to defend myself.

I have been really open with him. We share a couple friends but they are not aware of why he’s not talking to me.

Writing it all done makes it sound really childish and makes me sound needy for messaging him but I just want to understand what’s happened.

He does suffer with some MH issues and to begin with I though he was just having a funny few days where he doesn’t want to talk to anyone so I let him be but now he’s un friended me it seems the problem he has is with me.

Do I just block him, move on? I did really value his friendship and considered him to be one of my best friends, I guess I ruined it by bringing sex into it?

Sorry for the long post 😬

Sounds like he has feelings for you

I just wish he could have talked to me, he has spoken to me before about it and I gave him the choice of cutting contact as I didn’t want to hurt him, he decided he would be ok with FWB and all seemed to be going ok. His mental health issues are also one of the reasons I wouldn’t want a serious relationship with him, he has a habit of sulking, flying of the handle and holding a grudge against anyone who upsets him slightly, pretty sure he has BPD as one minute he’s on a high and then a few weeks later he’s really down (I couldn’t handle that in a relationship on top of what I deal with already at home), but I did really value his friendship.

Sounds like it wasn't working for him.
I think you have to respect that. I'd stop contacting him now.

He probably didn't want to talk to you because it would have been a humiliating conversation for him, and probably awkward for you.

If you valued his friendship you shouldn't have gone down the fwb route imo.

It would've been good for you for him to have spoken to you but maybe he thought it would just go round in circles so he decided to cut you off instead. I know it's not nice but I really think he's protecting himself as he has feelings and he can't talk about it.

We spoke about the FWB thing for ages before agreeing it was the right thing to do, we had already slept together a year previously (a one off), we were then just friends for a year but he wanted more.

I do think your right and he’s protecting himself but I feel hurt that he couldn’t tell me and has left me thinking that I have done something awful to upset him to the extent he won’t talk to me. I really though he could talk to me about anything.

He had met my kids many times (as my friend) so over the past 3 years he had been a part of my life and a part of my friendship circle.

I know I just have to respect that he has chosen not to speak to me, just feels a bit sad 😞

I agree he is probably just protecting himself, but he could have the decency to at least respond and say so. Him not responding and letting you think you have done something wrong is a tidy bit of head game playing isn't it? Keeping the woman who didn't want a relationship, dangling and waiting for a crumb of communication. Stop playing @Lovemusic33. You've written him enough, time to move on.

Thank you, I have blocked him. I will miss his friendship but I have him a chance to say something.

Good for you. Much healthier

My x of 5 yrs has ghosted me after I haven’t chased his sulks..it’s hard but you’re better off without the mid games

I do think he is game playing, I’m hoping I have done the right thing by blocking him, I’m not sure what he was expecting me to do, maybe chase him? He is quite a childish person, often sulks if someone has a different view than me. He got funny with me because I asked him to take a LFT last time he wanted to visit as he had cold symptoms, he’s anti vax and anti testing so he said he just won’t come over until his symptoms were gone, he wished me a happy Christmas but then had a bit of a sulk on. I offered to visit him the week after Christmas but he didn’t seem too bothered so I didn’t go. He was still chatting to me then one day just stopped.

Oh well, maybe it’s for the best, I don’t want to play games, this is the very reason why I’m happy being single 🤣

I guess I ruined it by bringing sex into it

You haven't ruined anything. He ghosted you. He ruined it.

Maintain your dignity, now. You don't want a friend who's that untrustworthy anyway, or who can disregard your feelings so easily.

How shitty of him. Silence is your friend now. If he gets in touch, I'd say don't respond. You don't need the drama of talking it all through, given there's no future in it (friendship of otherwise), or the drama of him behaving like nothing happened, and the ensuing emotions for you. He doesn't deserve another moment of your time or energy.

Thank you, I know your right, I feel angry with him so I don’t think I could be friends with him again now anyway, though we are likely to cross paths at some point as we share a few friends (not close friends).

It is never a good idea to have a FWB situations if you know full well that someone has feelings for the other person and deep down wants more. That was always going to end in tears.

Put yourself in his shoes: he probably decided to stop seeing you because he did not want to get hurt any longer.

It is a shame he could not at least speak to you directly about ending your interaction but he is right not to want to continue interacting with someone who is not interested in a relationship with him.

And I think you also need to accept that if you said no to a proper relationship the other party does not have any kind of commitment to you and ultimately doesn't owe you much of an explanation.