Prefer toddler to baby-does this change?

[JimandPam]

Ok so the title is a little goady as I wasn't quite sure how to word this but wanted to get views from others who may have been through something similar.

I have 2 sons, DS1 is 2.5 years and DS2 is a newborn (6 days old).

When I was pregnant I really thought I'd be this Mother Earth, isn't everything wonderful type mum. I wasn't! I really didn't enjoy being a mum at all and struggled at first with my feelings.

I can now look back and know that I'm simply not someone who likes the newborn phase. Don't get me wrong, the love was there from the start, but I didn't like the relentlessness of it, not getting anything back, the lack of sleep and interaction.

But each time DS got passed a milestone or changed, I began to enjoy it more and more.

Now at 2.5 I utterly adore him. Everything he does is pure gold to me. He makes me laugh, comes for cuddles, is in awe of everything his dad does and is generally a really happy, content child. He even spent the other night doing pop offs on the dog and laughing to himself and I thought to myself how cute is that? 😆

DS2 is also very much wanted and is a dream baby so far. I love him and would fight to the death for him...

But, if I'm honest, I prefer spending time with DS1 and miss him when I'm on my own with DS2.

Is this just a symptom of the newborn phase or am I a terrible person who will forever prefer their oldest son? I knew I wouldn't love the newborn phase again but I hadn't considered the difference in feeling for the two boys and it worries me slightly!!

Any experience of this?

This is totally utterly normal. Your toddler is a whole walking, talking person with thoughts and views and a sense of humour. A newborn is a cute but essentially very demanding pet. You don't get much back from them, especially in the early days and the whole relationship is completely one way (as it should be).

I have three children aged 6, 4 and 2 and have felt the same way as you every time. I love my children obviously, but it's not until they turn about 2 that they are really a 'person' rather than a 'baby' and I actually find them fun.

Newborns are boring, but it's fine, they don't stay that way forever! What you feel is totally normal and also your newborn is absolutely tiny, so you'll feel differently quite soon I bet.

Totally the same way I feel about toddlers and babies. I've got a 2.5 year old and he's so much fun now, I never enjoyed the cuddly baby stage and was just itching to get that over and done with.

I'm pregnant with our second boy and I imagine I'll feel the same as you. I feel like the baby stage is just something to get through so we can enjoy both of them being actually proper people with their personalities.

Also congratulations on your newborn! I'm sure once you start to notice little personality traits in the little one and see them hitting milestones you'll start to enjoy it more.

You're being a bit ridiculous if you can't talk yourself down from this.

You've literally just described the bonding process with your first form. Why on earth would you assume something different for the second? And who prefers spending time with a newborn?

You really REALLY don't need to worry - You're only six days in! This is all very normal. I had it in reverse actually, preferred the baby more than my toddler but now they're both at school age - I just prefer whoever's not bothering me at that particular time! It all settles down and comes right in the end. Congratulations

Thanks for the replies, it's so reassuring to hear others have felt (or expect to feel) the same way.

I felt like a bit of an alien in my NCT group as everyone was gushing about how great babies are and I was sort of 'meh' about it all. Love my DS of course but just see it as getting through this stage until they're a bit more fun.

As I said, I was prepared to not enjoy this stage again but just not how starkly I would compare my feelings for DS1 and DS2.

My DH and I were just talking about it and we actually both agree that the newborn stage is easier with our toddler as it's a reminder of the little person they turn into and what you have to look forward to.

My DS2 is simply wonderful but I need to try not to wish away the next year hurrying him along to grow up!

I’m pregnant with our second boy and I imagine I'll feel the same as you. I feel like the baby stage is just something to get through so we can enjoy both of them being actually proper people with their personalities.

Agree.

What’s a pop off?

@Beowulfthethird

You're being a bit ridiculous if you can't talk yourself down from this.

Thanks for replying with typical Mumsnet care and understanding to someone who's recently given birth and may be a bit hormonal 😆

@Pyri Fart!!

Was the same for me. And my kids also have similar age difference.
In addition - when #2 was born I felt terrible guilt towards #1 and not being able to be there for her in the same way anymore, as baby needed me. Don’t know if that was cause or effect - but I ended up developing severe PND.

And in general - I didn’t enjoy baby stage either. I felt anxious and worried about not having that natural ‘feeling’ of what was right and what baby needed, etc. But from about 1yo onwards, it became better.

Kids now in secondary school. And ‘my favourite’ toddler is now a grumpy teenager.
So - currently the not-quite teenager #2 is the current ‘favourite’.

Don’t worry. As your baby grows up - you’ll develop a relationship with him just as well.

Well you did deliberately pick a goady title and I think you've answered your own question in the op so if anyone needed a little metaphorical shake rather than a aw hun I'm sure you love him really response (which you know full well), it's probably you.

Totally normal. You’ve already known your first child for a couple of (very intense) years. Of course your bond/relationship is stronger. Please don’t worry.

@JimandPam Congratulations on the new baby OP 😊 I hope you’re both doing well 😊

Your feelings are completely normal! Newborns are amazing and wonderful in the sense of “omg, this little creature was in my belly and I just grew a whole human” but I’m sure if every new mum was completely honest, the start is a bit overwhelming! You’re handed this little creature and have no idea who they are or what they like/dislike. They steal all your sleep and demand all your attention. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my little creature from the minute I laid eyes on him. I’d always wanted to me a mum and I couldn’t believe he was mine but I had no idea who he was and it takes time to build that bond - but now he’s 14 months and walks and talks and has the most hilariously goofy personality ❤️ He’s my little sidekick ❤️
DH and I have been TTC again in a year or so and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous to do the newborn stage again!

Yeah really normal I think--I realized a few days into the newborn stage, "I am just a walking milkbag to her" ... I wouldn't worry about it as long as you are providing good care to your newborn, there's no reason for bonding not to come along in good time.

If you are really worried about it, especially as time goes on, it might be worth having a word with your GP over whether you might be suffering from PND--having a newborn + toddler is exhausting and it's important to take care of your mental health! But there's certainly no need to panic about the bonding process at this stage.

Hi, OP.
Interesting reading your post.
I had the opposite. I 'fell out of love' with my older DC. I totally adored my new baby. It worried me no end and the anxiety about it all made me feel worse.
To cut a long story short, a few months later, the world righted itself. And I am absolutely crazy about my DC. I look back at those times and wonder, what the hell was that? The guilt is a lot.
The takeaway is, this is a time of transition, these feelings aren't permanent. Try and relax about it as much as you can.

No experience because I hated pregnancy and the newborn stage so much that DS (2.5) will likely be an only child . You are absolutely not being unreasonable to not be into the newborn phase.

I can't imagine giving up the fun I have with toddler DS to sit around, bored and exhausted with leaking boobs.

I think a lot of people have favorite/easier stages with their kids. I didn't like the newborn or the toddler stage but enjoyed the older kid/teenager stage as they are more independent and are involved in activities that I can relate to and enjoy. However I know someone the total opposite of me and loves little babies & toddlers but didn't enjoy the older kid/teenage phase. So I think you're perfectly normal.

Perfectly normal. And IME you have lots to look forward to. At every stage with my DC (once they were past the initial baby stage), I kind of thought 'this is the best bit, I don't ever want them to get older and this to end'. Then they'd get older and I'd think the same again. Now with adult DC I still think 'this is the best bit'