Have I been selfish waiting to leave? Feeling guilty about H

[Waiteditout]

When I was 22 I met a man 16 years my senior. He was a 'saviour' of sorts, I came from a dysfunctional home. Within a few months we lived together and within 2 years we'd had a child and gotten engaged. When I was 25 I'd been in therapy for a while, I'd worked on myself and I realised a lot. I've never been in romantic love with him, he had just come along and offered the stability I craved and it had been so easy to go along with it and play this role. I had no financial concerns and could live a very nice, on paper, life being with him. We were great friends, that was always true.

I knew however he could offer our son a lot more than I could, and that he was a brilliant father who would never settle for less than 50/50 custody, and he deserved that. Ultimately I didn't want to lose my son half of the time, and myself and my partner have always gotten on. I love his company, we make a good family and I genuinely wasn't unhappy if I stayed. I just knew it wasn't romantic.

So, rightly or wrongly, probably wrongly.. I stayed. I knew I wanted a sibling for my son, so we had another child. We have made many happy memories as a family over the years, and my son and my daughter have had great childhoods. It's not been particularly bad for myself or my partner either, we remained engaged but never married, I never really felt I loved him enough to marry, and he never pushed either. We have enough of a relationship sexually that neither of us have strayed, but I have always felt I am missing out on real love. I just counted my blessings that my children had a good father, a stable upbringing and that I didn't have to miss out on so much time with them in their younger years.

I think what I struggle with now is, have I made my bed? Is it selfish to leave now, and finally pursue my own wants and needs, now that I have been there to raise my children, and can now enjoy a bit more freedom to find my own happiness?

Or is it horribly selfish, I'm young enough to potentially meet somebody new, have a whole new life. He is obviously 16 years older, and is perhaps more unlikely to do so. I am feeling completely at odds with myself. I feel guilty towards him, that he wants to enjoy this next stage in his life and I am here threatening it all. I have no doubt if handled well we can continue to be good parents to our DC, but I just feel so guilty.

I was trying to make this a bit more vague so called him H in the title then forgot and added the detail that we never married, so excuse the faux pas.

How old are the kids?
You arent guaranteed to meet anyone new.
I think you have been a bit unkind and deceitful to be honest, and having another child when you werent commited was unkind. Thats all by the by though, leave if you want.

You need to be aware the grass may not be greener elsewhere.

To be honest I wonder if your expectations of 'romance' in a relationship are realistic, but only you can answer that.

Both teens.

I do feel guilt, but at the same time I definitely don't regret my daughter being born and I know both my partner and my daughter would feel the same.

I was so young, I feel I've lived my middle age in my twenties. I just want some life for me now. But perhaps that is cruel, perhaps I have made my bed.

From my experience older men don't struggle to meet new partners so don't factor that so much

This is probably going to come across as a little harsh OP, but you have a good life, with a good man who is your friend and who you have a sexual relationship with.

Some of us would be happy enough with that. Not all of us are in mad passionate romantic love with our partners. Maybe at the beginning but it often fades to the kind of relationship you already have.

If you are desperately unhappy then that is one thing. However it doesn't come across like that, rather that you yearn for a different kind of relationship with a man you have yet to meet.

Passionate romantic love can be a very painful experience as the number of 'heartbreak' threads that appear on Mumsnet testify. As someone who has been through all that, I'd much prefer the kind of relationship you have, but instead I've ended up on my own.

To be honest I wouldn't feel too sorry for him at all - A 38 year old man rushing a relationship with a 22yo woman from a dysfunctional background seems a bit predatory to me. I think you did the right thing sticking around to give your DC a stable childhood - a solid foundation is the best gift you can give a child IMO.

You may have made some silly choices initially but you were very young and didn't have the self awareness you have now. I think you should definitely leave and enjoy your life. I wouldn't rush into any other relationship, I would work on being happy in your own skin first and build up your own happiness. I'd only enter a relationship if it was a compliment to an existing happy life - an addition rather than your raison d'être.

Good luck!

If you go out there looking for true love you will be sadly disapointed.
People think that there is a soul mate and real love but there isn't, it's basically just lust and hormones.
Later on after maybe 6 months that wears off and you find out what the person is really like - if he's like your husband you could be really lucky, if like either of mine you will end up in hospital or with half your money gone.
I come from an abusive backround too and children like us are dreamers - we are convinced that heartfelt love exists out there. It really doesn't.
Long term love and a long term relationship is what you have with your husband. And you are lucky to have it.
What I would suggest is that rather than leaving and trying to find something that doesn't exist for more than a few months I'd go and get serious counseliing for your childhood trauma.
Then see where you are after that.

Some advice there on two very differing ends of the spectrum. I guess I can see both sides.

I guess part of me does think I shouldn't feel guilty, I was so young and it's understandable I'm a different person now than I was then. I've had a lot of therapy over the years, I've grown a lot as a person and I stand by the choices I made. I'm not saying they were necessarily right, but I don't for a second regret either of my children and the time I got to spend with them.

I think, and this will sound selfish, that our friendship was enough to get this far. However with the kids largely raised, and the 16 years between us only widening as we get older, I have more to lose by staying. I never got to enjoy being young, I don't want to miss the opportunity now and end up feeling even older before my time caring for a man in a different stage of his life. I feel so young still, so full of hope, and life. I want a new career, to re train. He is more ready to slow down, thinking about retirement. Is it awful to think this is my time now?

That's the risk he took when he went after a partner 16 years his junior. You are still young you could have another career, a great love, travel the world etc. Dont waste the rest of your life on someone who is getting ready to put their feet up if that is not what you want. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Are you looking for someone to say it would be ok for you to leave him? It’s always ok to leave a relationship, for any reason. But, is there a reason you can’t have or do many of the things you want while staying in this relationship? It sounds as though he has supported you, and perhaps he expected you to be there for him when he needs support or perhaps not. If he’s ‘young’ for his age there is no reason why you can’t have an exciting and fulfilling life together. Some couples counselling might be helpful to see if you can work out a way to have more or what you want without throwing away something good, since you genuinely don’t sound unhappy. Only you will have the answers.

Putting aside the not inconsiderable emotional impact and concentrating on the practical…

You’re not married, so his pension’s not at risk. You won’t get spousal support and, assuming he’s planned well for his retirement, he’s not going to have a big financial loss from your income going. If your DC are teenagers then maintenance won’t be a problem for him for long.

You talk as if your leaving would impact his plans but will they actually do that? Do you own half the house? Would he have to buy you out?

I can absolutely relate to this! My partner is 22 years older than me and I too struggle with the guilt of knowing it’s potentially easier for me to move on than him x

Tbh you only come this way once OP.