I think were at the end

[MarnieMumma]

I just feel really blah about my marriage. Weve been together a long time (20 yrs+). I feel like my DH is very selfish. He does absolutely FA with the kids (unless i organise it). Its all about him. He will go to sports matches but never takes the teenager as its beers and food after with the lads. I feel sad for him. He wants to watch sport on tv all the time (drives me insane). he wants to sit down with a beer and chill out so no one can make noise or he cant hear the telly. He books weekends away with his mates. He got invited to a work colleague wedding (no invite for me). His drinking is an issue. Ive kept tabs on his drinking this week and hes on average from Weds to Sun drank around 15-18 units daily. He flys off the handle, especially when drinking, if he makes something to eat and the kids dont like it or i dont like it. I do a lot to appease him and keep the peace. Its like treading on egg shells Its not a nice atmosphere sometimes. Ive talked to him about his drinking but he just dismisses it and minimises it. Its the old- Someone else drinks more than him and hes not drinking spirits so hes ok. Says he will cut down but doesnt. Idk its just not where i see myself. I just feel unhappy with life. We both work. Kids at school. He claims hes not got money but hes on just as much as me and i can afford and often do pay for clubs/gifts for kids birthdays etc. wheres all his money going.
I think ive got the ick in the bedroom dept. He’s generally pissed when he tries it on so thats off putting. Weve not done it for ages but when i say no he gets angry and stomps around. I just dont see him like that anymore. Ive worked out i could afford to run the house just about on my wage alone if he left.

Help me formulate a plan! How do i break it to him. I dont want to be on my own as a single parent but cant stand to stay as we are. Maybe some time apart??

You need to have two separate conversations. One about ending the marriage and when he has taken that in you can discuss how you live until the divorce and financials are sorted.

The discussions will need careful handling because it will be emotional and scary. That brings out defensive and angry replies and decisions. Best thing for you to do is take an “I” stance. That is to focus on the fact you are unhappy and want to end it. Don’t list all his faults even if he asks for them. Say you are unhappy and you don’t love him anymore.

If you list out all his faults he will do the same in return and you will be in an argument. Nothing will get resolved or decided.

It will be up to him to decide if he remains in the house, moves to his parents or gets a place of his own. Moving to his parents is best for you both as it is the cheapest option. The last thing you want is for him to become unreasonable and stay in the family home as you two argue over the divorce outcome.

The best thing for you both to do is try to accommodate each other over the separation phase because it is potentially a very expensive and painful phase if you are not on the same page.

I am some way ahead of you but your posts ring very true. I am married to a man who drinks excessively, disengaged from our relationship or our DD. Things haven’t been easy on and off for a long time. Lots of comments about how I’m too critical, I found myself not raising things because I feared his criticism (ironic, I know!). He said some hurtful things about me a few months ago and something snapped. I suddenly realised that these thing weren’t true! This was his narrative he told himself to justify his behaviour towards me. I’m a nice person!!! I did a few things. I did The Freedom Programme online. I read Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. I had some individual counselling where I started to remember who I am (rather than who he’s been telling me I am). In December, I made an appointment with a solicitor, not sure if I was even going to keep it. Then Christmas was rubbish (no trouble as such but he was withdrawn, did very little to help. Christmas Eve he was hammered by 6pm). New Year was awful. So I decided to end it.
In advance of the conversation I had said we needed to make time to talk about our relationship. I also did sums on how much maintenance he would be expected to give, how much the bills would be without him (food bills right down because I hardly drink). Started looking at whether I could keep the house. Then I said I wanted to separate in a calm conversation where we were both sober. He agreed, then said he wanted to make it work…but like you he had somewhere he could go short term, so he left after a couple of days when we could tell DD. Given he’s now on his best behaviour trying to “win me around”, it’s still pretty I’ve started telling people. They are very sympathetic but honestly, I’m happier than I’ve been in years. The house stays tidier, I’m eating well. I’m exercising. He’s seeing DD regularly and actually engaging when he has her. I cannot see him coming home to play happy families. Still need to sort the finances out which will be trickier and I won’t have much spare cash, but if that’s what it costs to feel free, I’ll take it!
So yes, I’d suggest - Freedom Programme first, Why does he do that? Maybe some individual counselling. Solicitor appointment. Mortgage advice if you own your home jointly. I have no regrets.

@WormHasTurned, what a really inspiring post.

Well done you.
👏👏👏

Don't allow him back.

Men like him promise the moon to get back into the home.

The amount of women on MN who bitterly regret backing down is considerable.

Enjoy your bravery and peace.

This is undoubtedly better for your daughter.

Thanks billy1966. It took a lot for me to reach the point when we spilt. It’s not an easy decision, especially when there’s kids involved but we are actually all better for it so I’m glad we did.

Hello, i attempted to have the talk yesterday. He got really mardy and stroppy and tried to turn it round to be me with the issue. “Oh you're perfect then. You never do anything wrong” Then said im terrible at parenting the children etc. i said, im not perfect, but im trying to be the best mum i can be. Which he scoffed at (whilst sat with a beer in hand). I raised his drinking which he absolutely minimised. I knew he would. Im not going to let this go though and will carry on to discuss tonight. Thanks for all the advice

You don't need to explain and justify why you want to end the relationship. You just have to tell him it's over.

I would say to assess whether he's likely to get nasty when you broach the subject of a split.
Try to pick the right time and not let it descend into accusations if at all possible.
If he's likely to get nasty seek advice from a womens charity.
Gather your friends around you, make sure you have an emergency fund, and find out as much about legalities as possible in advance.
This relationship sounds dead in the water. Sorry

@MadeForThis

You don't need to explain and justify why you want to end the relationship. You just have to tell him it's over.

Absolutely this.

No discussion required.

You just TELL him that it is over.

Start making your plans without him.

Your children will thank you.

Don't hesitate to call the police the minute he becomes aggressive and have him removed.

Keep posting.

@WormHasTurned are we married to the same person?! Seriously, thats like a mirror image.

At the moment we are renting. I have some back up money. We both work and bring in average wages. Ive worked out i could live and cover bills fairly ok even without any support from him. Id like to buy a property, i have savings for a deposit and keep seeing houses come up in my price range but feel i cant move forward until ive got over this hurdle. Im hoping for the no fault divorce in April to come in 🙏

I'd tell him and ask him to go st away.
Maybe his parents will be horrified by his drinking.
I wouldn't drag it out - not good for any of you. He'll probably say he'll do anything to stay and make it work. Not true!

@IdblowJonSnow his parents stayed with us for a few months last year whilst they moved house. His mum mentioned his drinking to me, we didnt have a full on conversation about it but shes aware its not good and too much. She hasnt mentioned it to him though…

Hmm mine is around all the time so I don’t think we are sharing! It’s just a certain type of man. Honestly, get organised to get rid. I can’t tell you how freeing it is! Mine was a dick again last night and it just confirms that I was right to end it. Get yourself together, start booking appointments like mortgage advice, solicitor so you’d know where you stand financially. It’s helped me feel stronger and prepared to go it alone.

Be careful about using savings, as he is entitled to half if you are married.
Just as you are also responsible for half of his debts. ( and vice versa)
Good luck 💐

This is so sad. Growing up around an alcoholic is terrible. Being married to one is horrendous as you watch them commit suicide in
s-l-o-w- m-o-t-i-o-n.
Don't waste any more of your life. You can't help him - believe me.
It's over.

@MarnieMumma You don’t need to be “perfect” to deserve dignity and respect.

What your asking for isn’t perfection either.

Dignity, civility, and respect are a way of life. It’s no way to live without it. His new home wherever he lands can be as quite as he drinks and watches TV as he wants… without him your walls will sing.