I have been up all night reading similar threads so reluctant to add my sad story to the mix, but here goes...
DH (of 6 years, 12 together) is a great dad to our children 5 and 3. We have been having relationship problems for a while. He is frequently ratty with me over very small things (eg.leaving a tea bag next to the sink) and makes small things into big things. When I play it down (normally because I don't want to be openly criticised in front of our children then he says "you must not care about me or my opinions then")
The biggest problem he has is not enough dirty/satisfying sex. Since children I've been unhappy with body and have some excess weight. (not masses) I've also had some sensitivity issues (nipples overly sensitive from 2+ years of bf and uterus under sensitive from pelvic floor issues and episiotomy) so it's been tricky to get back to where we were before. However, in the last 2 years we've had sex once a week and recently twice. Sometimes it's forced from my POV and not that enjoyable but I'm trying!!
A few months ago he started saying hurtful comments when he felt rejected, like "I would move out if I could afford it" and "well, I'll have to find it somewhere else" and "it's when I'm NOT pestering you for sex that you should be worried".
This lead to me organised online counselling which felt really successful as after talking things through he made a genuine effort to not blow up at me and as a result I felt genuinely attracted tohim and more keen to instigate sex. He even recently told me "do you know, I think once a week would be ok"
However, yesterday I made a disturbing and wholly accidental discovery. Whilst he went for a run (and I was cycling with 2 children in the trailer) he left me in charge of his phone. As my oldest was being fussy, I unlocked his phone to let him play pokemon whilst we travelled (which I have seen my husband do with him). However, a few minutes later, the 5 yo complained "it's not pokemon anymore" and gave me the phone to get back to it. Well, thank god he's just starting to read, as what discovered on the screen was a whole page of filthy/sexting messages with an unknown username. So of course I scrolled back to find many pages and search for clues as to who this was, when it had started etc. There were about 6-8 messages per day and I discovered not much but could deduce the following:
- this has been going on for at least 2 months
- she's possibly someone who he doesn't know in rl and has never met (some reference to having met 'on here')
- he has shared a pic of his face, couldn't see other pictures
-she's in 20s (mentions being 'tight') and in a relationship (but not serious)
- he mainly describes our sex with her, and they mock it together, sometimes he describes enjoying it but it's being used for her wank bank. Same from her, with the added flirtation "I would worship your c%$k"
-he asks her if her bf would allow her to sleep with other men
After this shocking discovery, I managed to get some time to myself to think things over, but couldn't talk to anyone as I did not want our mutual friends or family to know this about him.
I had decided to sleep on it, but after not being able to get to sleep, I turned on the light at 11:30pm and confronted him. His reaction left me fuming as he said "let's talk about it tomorrow evening, I need my sleep". I reacted angrily but couldn't get anything out of him. Not even a single apology or any attempt to comfort me, despite then fact I was then crying in bed beside him till I eventually crashed at 2am.
As you can tell, I'm devastated by his lack of respect for me but I would consider moving through this for the sake of our family as I really love my life (sadly he doesn't share my views).
I have contacted the counsellor but feel like DH and I need to talk it over first. If his reaction is not suitable, there may be no need to spend £70ph tbh.
I would love to hear about anyone on the pros/cons of co-habiting (separate bedrooms) - our children are so young and I feel overwhelmed at the thought of doing single parenting. To further complicate things we are on the verge of paying almost 200k for work on our house. About 100k of this is from his inheritance. the rest if from my savings or re-mortgaging. Currently living in a 2 bed bungalow so no spare room. Morally, at least 170k of the equity in our current house was attributable to my financial decisions and hard work before we met (as I've been a home owner for 10years before we married).
I may be getting ahead of myself here but would also welcome views from people who have separated/divorced with children of a similar age - how to not ruin them!!!
Apologies for my first epic thread!! Writing this down has at least made me organise my thoughts a little ahead of our chat tonight. Any advice appreciated. TIA