To be sad about what could’ve beens…

[KateEC91]

Hi,
Am I an awful person or is this normal?
I just found out that a guy I worked with 6 years ago got engaged on Christmas Day and I felt genuinely gutted. Nothing ever happened between us, but both of us later admitted we had wanted it to. We were best friends, same humour etc but both met people and lost touch which didn’t bother me. I was so happy for him etc.
Background: I’m with my partner of 5 years, we have a 2 year old. I suffered PND/Anxiety/OCD. Our relationship has taken a serious hit since having our baby. We are better now but constantly working on things.

Is it normal to occasionally ponder the ‘what ifs’ of your life before everything became serious?
I honestly cant explain how upset I felt that he had become engaged. I got over it pretty quickly but had a dream about him last night… just chatting, and woke up feeling a bit sad again.
I still deal with feelings of being trapped, that my life is now all decided for me and so small with limited opportunities since becoming a parent. Just to add, my child is my absolute world, light of my life. I just can’t shrug these almost bizarre feelings of pining for all the opportunities I now wont ever experience.
I feel awful on my partner who is unbelievable. I love him dearly… why do I feel like this?

Hi

I get it, OP. IT’s a horrible feeling but is usually caused by feeling generally low/unhappy about aspects of your life - there are many positives to being a parent but it can all feel very overwhelming and oppressive at times. Pining for your old life is very normal - do you still have the opportunity to pursue hobbies and things you enjoyed before parenting? Does your partner pull his weight and make sure you have the chance for regular breaks?

I had similar during first lockdown - someone I had a fling with a few years ago got engaged after a whirlwind romance, and it hit me like a ton of bricks because we’d ended things as he didn’t want anything serious, and I was gutted at the time and it brought all those feelings rushing back even though I am married myself. I eventually worked out that it was aspects of my own life/marriage I was unhappy about that needed work and sorting out. I know you said you’re working through a sticky patch with your relationship but it can still feel difficult sometimes when others se to be blissfully happy in their relationships with no bumps in the road.

I think it’s normal or at least I have moments when I think about it. Though I think you can look back with rose tinted glasses which doesn’t help. There must have been some reason you both didn’t go for it. Maybe there were feelings there but just not strong enough ones. Also you’ve no idea what you’d be like together.

It’s more likely a reflection on your current situation and feelings that brings up such thoughts.

I think that it's normal to have these moments especially when you are going through a hard time in your own life. You may imagine that if you had chosen differently then you wouldn't be feeling stuck where you are at the moment. Your current relationship gets bogged down with the day to day stuff and the harder things. In your musings about old flames, I'm sure that you don't imagine the hard and mundane things with them!

But as I'm sure you know, in any relationship there will be tough times, boring times, and amazing times again. Thinking about the past like this only becomes a problem when it is impacting your ability to appreciate what IS happening right now and your current relationship. It can be hard when you're struggling, but try to think about the things that you love about your partner and homelife. Are you genuinely happy in your relationship underneath the stresses that you are currently experiencing?

I think because you're unhappy with life atm, he represents an escape, a fantasy of a life that could have been better. Which isn't surprising given how trapped you feel. It isn't really 'him' you're thinking about, but what he represents. He could have been anyone in your lifetime you had that connection with, it could have been a job you turned down even where you now think 'what if'.

I think the PND/Anxiety etc may have contributed to these feelings, but is there anything else you can do to redirect your emotions? Maybe a different job if you can manage it, or having a plan of fun things you can do once your child starts school and you have a bit more time on your hands? Could you try and have some date nights with DH to re-ignite the spark? Also, do you know what you do want from life, what opportunities do you worry are now closed off - you can make a plan for how you're going to get there and it's something to work towards.

Having children doesn't kill off all opportunities forever! Yes, there'll be a period where you won't be able to change as much when your children are very young, but people change careers, re-train or learn new things, move house/geographies, carry on hobbies - all whilst juggling children and life. It's not as easy as it is when you have don't have DC but it's certainly not impossible or unusual.

Thank you all for your insight and for being voices of reason!
I absolutely agree that it perhaps isn’t the person but what he represents. A perfect relationship, an adventurous life (lives in Canada and hikes most weekends) and freedom. Three things which I don’t have… but maybe could’ve had with him.
I also agree that I couldn’t have known what a relationship with him would be like so my head is romanticising things. I think I feel shame on my part too as at the time I was fresh out of being on the receiving end of a horrific long-term dumping and went on a few dates after to try to rebuild my self esteem. The work guy was a few years younger, looked younger and acted younger and I’m embarrassed to admit that I just wanted to be with a guy my ex would be annoyed about… which wasn’t him. My head just wasn’t right or fair and I pretty much shut down some of his soft advances saying I was too old for him! 3 years older…!!!!
Last night I made the HUGE MISTAKE of reading some old messages between us and felt just a total loss. These messages are from 6 years ago but I remember the ease of our friendship, the constant laughter and total respect for eachother. I really looked out for him as he did for me and we were totally in sync. We helped eachother make sense of things and were hugely supportive of eachothers goals. I helped him find the job he left the company we worked at for. I was actually at lunch with him when he got the call and we had a big hug. I then spent the night dreaming of him. FFS.
Ah well, I hope this passes quickly and that I can stop feeling such awful guilt around my partner.
Isn’t it funny… I bet my work guy would be shocked beyond belief if he knew I had posted to a forum about being upset about his engagement. I actually cried the day I found out!!!! Hormones but still! You never really know what people are thinking about you do you?

It's normal to have occasional thoughts that a particular person was 'the one that got away'. In reality, they probably weren't - there was a reason you didn't pursue a relationship at the time. That reason may now be shrouded in the mists of time, but it would have been a valid one.

It's also true that there might be any number of people you're compatible with, albeit in different ways. You might have been destined for a fulfilling relationship, but there's no reason to believe it would have been better than the one you're in - just different, with a different set of compromises and strength.

You say you are feeling trapped at the moment - look at what you can do to address that. The man from your past is a red herring you're using to deflect other issues, so refocus on improving your life in the here and now.