Just told DH we need to separate

[Toolatebaby]

I've just plucked up the courage that's been building for over two years to tell my husband we need to separate.

I feel so sick. He's heartbroken, there's a million of reasons why it hasn't worked out but I don't think I can get the love back.
He's not a bad man we've just had a really shit 5 years and I'm past the point of it feeling salvageable. Theres been no major reason like abuse or cheating, I kind of wish there had so it would have made it easier.
Even though we are both depressed I know he would continue this way forever but I don't think either of us are happy or have been for a long time. Not that he sees it that way.

I just feel like I've thrown a bomb into our lives and our DDs life.
We will have to sell our lovely house, we both earn relatively low wages so we won't be able to buy anything nice locally.

We have debts that we need to clear and no idea how to work out custody.

For now we've left it that we will cohabit for a while and put the house on the market in the Spring/summer when it will look nicer and hopefully sell for a bit more, as we will need every penny.

I feel like I've hurt him so much, I feel so guilty.

Im also worried he might think about doing something stupid as he has mentioned it in the past.

I don't know what I'm wanting from posting but I just want to put it out there.
I feel scared.

You poor thing. 💐

This is very sad. But I genuinely dont understand why folk in your position separate. Nobody is going to gain from it. Sorry if that doesn't help you but why not think again. At least clear your debts first. Have you considered marriage counselling.

But what else could you have done? Continue to live an unhappy life that would probably have made him feel just as miserable in the end? That's not right for either of you.

He is hurting now, but he will recover. If you feel he may 'do something' encourage him to get help, but remember that ultimately it is his decision and not your fault. We each make our own choices and live with them.

If you're going to have to cohabit for awhile, best if you can keep out of each other's way as much as possible. Co-parent, but don't act or live like a married couple. If there's a spare room use it or move into DD's room. Begin to divvy up household duties as you would in a roommate situation. The 'separation' needs to begin now. That's only fair to him. To do otherwise could encourage him to believe that you will change your mind.

It's going to be a rough few months. Allow yourself to reevaluate it as you need to. If it becomes intolerable, give yourself permission to leave.

@AcrossthePond55 thank you for the advise that's helpful.
He always says its finances or covid and once these things get better we can work on the marriage, but to me he's had years of being able to work on it.
Helping with the mental load. Getting help for his depression, looking after himself and his hygiene etc.
It's not finances and covid it's everything and I'm constantly unhappy. He's very introvert and I'm the opposite but I feel like he's slowly turned me into a shell of who I was.
It can't continue like this because it's the status quo and it would make him happier (or the same just with a wife and nice home)
We talked about counselling but I don't see the point when I know in my heart I no longer love him like that. I told him tonight I don't want to give him false hope. That wouldnt be fair.

You've made the right decision for both of you. Why don't you get a mediator? That way you can amicably work out things like the finances, hkuse custody in future etc. Hopefully you can remain amicable but just be aware that sometimes if the other person doesn't want the split things can become difficult and some get nasty. Hopefully you will avoid that type of situation.

@gonnabeok thank you, where do you find a mediator? Is it expensive?

I'd like to think he is so laid back it would be amicable but I guess you can never tell.

Deep down I know it's the right thing, I just wish I could wave a magic wand where everything is OK and it works out for the best for us all.

Maybe if you both got help for your depression you might feel differently. X

@Viviennemary

This is very sad. But I genuinely dont understand why folk in your position separate. Nobody is going to gain from it. Sorry if that doesn't help you but why not think again. At least clear your debts first. Have you considered marriage counselling.

Because she deserves to be with someone she loves?

@Viviennemary

This is very sad. But I genuinely dont understand why folk in your position separate. Nobody is going to gain from it. Sorry if that doesn't help you but why not think again. At least clear your debts first. Have you considered marriage counselling.

Sorry but you don’t know what’s going on In The marriage. Everybody deserves happiness

@Viviennemary

This is very sad. But I genuinely dont understand why folk in your position separate. Nobody is going to gain from it. Sorry if that doesn't help you but why not think again. At least clear your debts first. Have you considered marriage counselling.

I'd say it's pretty easy to understand. OP would gain inner peace and regain her sense of self. In other words, she would be happy again. Everyone deserves to be happy and live their own true life.

And from what OP has written I do t think her H is truly happy either. This may be what spurs him to get the help he needs.

You can search online for mediators. Its about £100 I think for a first meeting. But the government are paying £500 towards the process to keep couples out of court. They can speak to your both and you can come up with an agreement which you both agree on. Many are on line. Good luck with moving forwards.

[quote Toolatebaby]@AcrossthePond55 thank you for the advise that's helpful.
He always says its finances or covid and once these things get better we can work on the marriage, but to me he's had years of being able to work on it.
Helping with the mental load. Getting help for his depression, looking after himself and his hygiene etc.
It's not finances and covid it's everything and I'm constantly unhappy. He's very introvert and I'm the opposite but I feel like he's slowly turned me into a shell of who I was.
It can't continue like this because it's the status quo and it would make him happier (or the same just with a wife and nice home)
We talked about counselling but I don't see the point when I know in my heart I no longer love him like that. I told him tonight I don't want to give him false hope. That wouldnt be fair.[/quote]
If you no longer love him, that's reason enough to end the marriage. Both of you deserve to be happy and, honestly, neither of you are. You know it, he apparently doesn't. He may not be ready or able to acknowledge it but he cannot be truly happy and treat himself the way he does. And if he uses you as an 'emotional crutch' he will never get the professional help he needs, because he leans on you to make him 'feel better'.

No one should depend on another person as their 'sole provider' of emotional wellbeing. Our 'core' happiness must come from within ourselves. Our loved one will add to it, but not be it. It's extremely unfair and places a burden on that person that will (and in your case, has) drag them down, too.

All you can do in this 'waiting time' is to continue to be honest with him. Be kind as you are able, but do not let him play on your emotions nor take advantage of you. Continue to evaluate the situation, take your 'emotional temperature' frequently. Co-habit only as long as it is not damaging to you, or him.

Couples counseling can also work to help a couple separate, especially when both parties aren't on the same page. They can help the 'resistant' party to realize that it is time to 'let go' and can give the 'ready' party the tools to communicate effectively. It's not always about 'saving' a marriage, it can be about ending a marriage in the least destructive way. But if this is something you choose to try, you must be honest not only with your H, but with the counselor about why you are there.

@Viviennemary

This is very sad. But I genuinely dont understand why folk in your position separate. Nobody is going to gain from it. Sorry if that doesn't help you but why not think again. At least clear your debts first. Have you considered marriage counselling.

Happiness, mental wellbeing, modelling happy and healthy behaviour to children, not showing children a relationship that isn't healthy or happy, potential to both meet someone who is the right fit and enjoy decades more partnership with while co-parenting amicably with your ex?

You really can't see the benefit of any of that?

I know you like to go against the grain on here often but really, you must be able to see how damaging it is for kids to grow up looking at a relationship that is unhappy, unhealthy, lacking in affection, not equal, not playful etc. They grow up believing that's the best that can be hoped for and so they settle for relationships that aren't great or stay in ones that don't make them happy for much too long.

Stop trying to make people feel guilty for not wishing to continue that cycle.

@Viviennemary. Because whilst you are in the relationship and if you are a decent person you usually have to spend a lot of time in and around that person and often have next to zero chance of doing much off your own back. I often see posts saying ‘stay married and just live separatish lives,’ that’s all well and good if you have a husband/partner who accepts the situation and is also cool with that— personally in my experience at 60, I’ve never met a bloke who was that keen on their wife doing what they want, when they want —only themselves— and so often the only way to get some space or freedom
Is to separate.

Thank you so much for all the replies.
Ive come back on here today feeling so anxious and worrying whether I'm doing the right thing as it's so uncomfortable to be around him at the moment, there's a tense atmosphere and I'm thinking do I just say we will work on it (again) to have the easy option, but I know in my heart I won't ever be able to switch the love for him, the sexual attraction etc back on.
I know it's the right thing to do now but it feels so painful. I hate the thought of losing half custody of my beautiful DD half the week. I hate the thought of losing our beautiful home and having to move somewhere where we have hardly any money, but it's not enough is it

I also maybe wrongly feel like he's had enough kicks up the bum to show me how much he "loves me" he's done nothing to show me he wants me to stay.
He didn't do any house work he didn't walk the dog, make tea etc etc.
We are currently sleeping one in bed with DD the other in her bed.
Hopefully we will only be in this situation a few months, I'll be looking to put the house on the market in Spring.

Keeping this here will remind me why I feel like this and need to stick to my guns now.