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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Well, guess I'm on my own then...

11 replies

BargainBucketForOne · 16/01/2022 21:10

DH and I have pretty much hit the skids. We have been seeing a counsellor but it hasn't really changed the fact that he isn't able to love me in the way I need to be loved. It's a long story but basically, I think we might be done.

I've been weighing up my options and they are limited due to circumstance but I had pretty much settled on returning closer to home (we are about 200 miles away) as although it would be an upheaval for DC, they would settle better knowing we were close to my parents and I would have a bit more support. Trouble is, my parents are massive narcs and are the reason we are 200 miles away!!

They have been behaving well recently and I honestly thought that lockdown had brought a change in them. We had a lovely Xmas together and I've been seriously considering letting them back in, despite being LC for a long time before lockdown.
However.... today has reminded me why I can't have them in my life. My mother today showed herself up, screaming in a restaurant, basically throwing a toddler tantrum because she couldn't get her own way. I literally didn't say a word (as I know it makes her worse) and she shouted in my face in front of my children and said basically it was fault and that I thought I was above her blah blah blah all the usual shit! My brother, who wasn't in the pub at the time but his wife was, then comes in and assumes 'I set her off' and shouts at me a bit more. He is basically a male version of my mum and always has been. Its only when he wife steps in and says actually she hasn't down fuck all that he backed off.

I was absolutely mortified but so, so angry at myself for letting them back in. So angry for thinking I could rely on them when I'm literally at my lowest.
Tomorrow I'm going to have to sit down and go back to the drawing board in terms of planning for the future.

I'm absolutely on my own, as usual!

OP posts:
BargainBucketForOne · 16/01/2022 21:15

Sorry for the typos! Hope you can follow it 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 16/01/2022 21:18

Sounds like you need to stay near your DH for support, not your family.
If you needed to go into hospital, for example, he could take over with the kids.

JugglingJanuary · 16/01/2022 21:26

I'm sorry, that all sounds absolutely shit!!

Do you have GOOD friends anywhere? They can be your family!

RoyKentsChestHair · 16/01/2022 21:27

If the relationship has broken down due to your and DH’s relationship rather than his ability to parent his DCs then it would seem fairer to them and to him to stay nearby. If your parents were going to be massively supportive it would still be harsh to move the DCs so far from their DDad, but if they’re not going to be supportive of you what’s the point of them?

Have you had solo counselling to deal with your childhood and the effects of your parents narcissism on you?

BargainBucketForOne · 16/01/2022 21:50

I do have good friends but they all have their own nonsense to deal with and if I'm honest, I'm not very good at asking for help...Perhaps I do need solo counselling.

DH is a good Dad. He loves his children but he is to able to connect with them emotionally, just like he isn't able to with me. He can go through the motions - fed, clean, read to etc but can't play, support or help them navigate life. His head is full of his own needs that he can't meet anyone else's.

Fucking hell, how did it come to this? How did I manage to fuck everything up so badly? My poor kids

OP posts:
BargainBucketForOne · 16/01/2022 21:54

Isn't able to

Jeez, we need a edit button!

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Somebodylikeyew · 16/01/2022 22:00

Why would you take your kids 200 miles away from him?
Just separate where you are.

Porcupineintherough · 16/01/2022 22:16

So he's a good (albeit limited) father yet you think the best thing for your kids is to move them 200 miles away from him so your disfunctional family can tear a few strips off them too? That makes literally no sense.

Why not stay where you are? You wont be alone, you'll have your ex as a co parent. And when you arent expecting him to be there for you emotionally you may appreciate his support with parenting, even if that means only every second weekend free and an evening in the week and back up in case of emergency.

Badbaddog · 17/01/2022 00:12

I’ve learned not to expect to rely on anyone on this life. Stay near your H so he can step up if needed but yes, basically expect to rely only on yourself. It’s quite liberating actually, you’re much less likely to end up disappointed!

BigbreastsBiggerbeard · 17/01/2022 12:06

Don't be angry at yourself for giving your family another chance, it's natural you would do this, especially at this time where you're vulnerable and needing support. You'd been lulled into a false sense of security by their behaviour over Christmas. At least you know now that they haven't changed, so try not to view it as wasted time. You can draw a line under that now. Much better you find this out now than after moving 200 miles!!

BargainBucketForOne · 17/01/2022 12:35

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Feeling pretty low today but at least I know where I stand. I've done some numbers and I think I can just about afford to stay where I am (really expensive area of the country). It would mean a big change to our lifestyle but I suppose that is to be expected.

I think I need to build myself up a bit before I pull the plaster off though. I feel bad for not being upfront with DH but I need to be strong enough to help the kids through.

As I said, he isn't a bad man, just a terrible husband. I know I deserve more though as I wouldn't want my girls to be stuck in a marriage like ours.

It's all just so sad

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