Caught feelings that I don’t want to have

[Anneofbluemountain]

Close friend of mine liked me for a few years, I didn’t feel the same. They would message quite a lot, invite me for drinks etc, once drunkenly said they really liked me etc. They are now seeing someone else and have been for a year. I’m single and have suddenly caught feelings quite intensely. What can I do? Distance myself? I feel like they’ve caught wind of it as they’ve started suggesting bringing their gf to meet ups and I have agreed and said how excited I am to meet her. Feel a bit sick!

Do you think the feelings are there because you can't have him anymore? Emotions can be strange like that. I wouldn't meet up with them as a couple as that wouldn't be fun surely? I would keep my distance for a bit and wait for these feelings to pass, this will be easier if you don't have contact. It doesn't need to be a falling out, just a backing off period.

Thanks, I wonder if that is the case yeah. Tbh he didn’t handle things very well when he first asked me out a few years ago (was very pushy) but has mellowed a lot since and has recently helped me through a difficult time emotionally (just listened and understood), which made me realise how he is a good friend and a good person! I’m single and am romanticising him a little bit I think. There is a bit of me that thinks it would be great if he were single one day as I could say my piece (!) but realistically we are both late 20s / early 30s and can’t live our lives waiting to see if someone requites our affections. I also think it hurts so much because he apparently had a big crush on me for a few years and after that continued to be in touch for a few years after that, then obviously tailed away post relationship. It is now me suggesting meet ups (purely as friends obviously) and while he comes and it’s great he’s obviously less invested than when he was single. I feel really sad that I’ve potentially missed out on something great and a bit jealous of his gf :( which sounds awful but a bit of me wants to say, I’ve known him for twice as long as you!! Lol

Do I just need to move on?

Definitely move on. You've not missed out - you didn't want him, and the "I've known him twice as long", however jokey, shows the intense feelings are really more about marking your territory, wanting him to still be into you rather than you being suddenly into him after all this time. Be glad that he's found someone who likes him, leave them to it as much as possible, and look elsewhere for someone you're genuinely into. You sound like you know this really, objectively, so should be able to step back and observe and manage the feelings however intense. The 'caught' makes it sound like you have no control, but you absolutely do. Remind yourself he's not actually your cup of tea and don't feed into fantasies that he's anything other than the guy you didn't want to be with.

Unfortunately, you may have missed out there... I'd let him get on with his new partner. But if they split up, you might get a second chance.

i was in the same position as you. i told him we would only ever be friends but at the same time i loved the attention
i knew another woman was interested in him , he didn't as he only had eyes for me , so i told him i think she likes you and sort of pushed him in her direction
they are now happily together and i must admit i was jealous and tried to avoid him for a while but then i realised i didn't and don't want him as a boyfried . i was sad that i had lost a very close friend

@Pinkdelight3

Definitely move on. You've not missed out - you didn't want him, and the "I've known him twice as long", however jokey, shows the intense feelings are really more about marking your territory, wanting him to still be into you rather than you being suddenly into him after all this time. Be glad that he's found someone who likes him, leave them to it as much as possible, and look elsewhere for someone you're genuinely into. You sound like you know this really, objectively, so should be able to step back and observe and manage the feelings however intense. The 'caught' makes it sound like you have no control, but you absolutely do. Remind yourself he's not actually your cup of tea and don't feed into fantasies that he's anything other than the guy you didn't want to be with.

This is well said and the crux of the matter.

Remember, if he really was the love of your life, you would have realised it a lot sooner. And not just now when he isn't available to give you the attention you're used to. I'm sure if you had/or do meet someone else, you absolutely won't be thinking about him this way. But an idle, lonely mind has a tendency to cling on to happier times when you were less lonely and always had him as a back up.

Now that you can see it this way, take space. Do not meet up with him and his gf because (a) it will be torture for you, so don't do that to yourself (b) his gf may be able to pick up on the fact your feelings for him aren't wholely platonic, and he could stop the friendship completely out of respect for her. So leave them to it and focus on your own dating life, and finding someone of your own.

The most important thing to help you move on is to accept - that he has emotionally moved on from the crush. So while you may have known him longer, the intimacy and closeness they share will always trump what he had with you by way of a friendship. She will know all those little details, habits and quirks only someone you share a bed and a life with will know. Let him go, put in distance to help you move on, stop living in the past, and look to the future for happiness.

Thanks, yes this all makes sense.

Funnily enough I don’t think it is the attention I’m missing actually.

I’ve been single for a long time and have had similar attention from male friends before - one has got married and is in touch platonically and I definitely don’t hanker after him, lovely as he is.

I have started seeing him in a whole new light unfortunately, basically he wasn’t the most mature a few years ago but has grown up and become a really nice person. We’ve both gotten better with age I think.

I do like him but equally I do need to switch the feelings off.

Thanks for the advice!

I think you need to differentiate between the grief you have for the loss of a possibility of there being something between you, and the reality that you are good as friends but no more.

Before now, he had the role in your mind that he was your nice safe single man friend who at one point liked you more. This change with him having someone new is a different role and you need time to adjust.

So I would put off meeting them for a while. This has similarities to limerence in a way, that you are focusing on a fantasy version of things rather than the real thing.

I hope that hasn’t come across harshly, I just think you need to go cold turkey for a bit to get perspective.