Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner trying to make me jealous?

24 replies

DangerKangeroo · 16/01/2022 18:36

I've been with my partner 3 years, we live apart with our respective kids and so have a relatively complicated relationship of seeing each other between work/kids etc.

He's always mentioned his ex (mother of kids) a fair amount but not generally about the kids. For example he'll say 'ex says there's a great new TV programme....' or 'ex asked me to help her with her banking' etc. It may seem insignificant, but this is a very regular occurance (most times I see him she will get a mention, I know a LOT about her!). They have been divorced several years but he's also mentioned in the past that 'she asked if I'd like to try again'. Which seems a very inappropriate thing to tell a current partner.

My reaction to all this varies from ignoring to casually agreeing to occasionally questioning 'well do you want to be with her then, I dont want you to feel obliged to be with me'.

I don't really see the point of his behaviour other than to try to make me jealous/compete. However, its making what would otherwise be a good relationship between us a bit strained at times. Any thoughts on how to improve this? Is it likely insecurity on his side? I hardly mention my exhusband at all, yet we have kids too.

OP posts:
CamsPaisleyCuffs · 16/01/2022 18:42

Why don't you just say to him (when he next mentions her)

"John, I'm really not bothered about what Janet is up to, I don't know why you feel the need to keep telling. I don't know her from Adam".

SunflowerTed · 17/01/2022 16:04

You could be childish and start talking about your EX a lot! Or you could just have a chat and ask him to stop mentioning her all the time it’s pissing you off x

stupendousfragmentariness · 17/01/2022 16:07

"I couldn't fucking give a fucking fuck what Sue thinks, Dave."

Every time.

Philly1234 · 17/01/2022 16:11

Sounds as though he’s trying to provoke some sort of reaction from you, in an unhealthy way. I get why you’d be irked.

Are you generally affectionate with him and express your feelings??

Ohfortheloveofgodwhatnow · 17/01/2022 16:17

I’d ask him if she ‘still wants to try again’. And if he says she does, I’d tell him it might be best if they do.

ChargingBuck · 17/01/2022 16:21

They have been divorced several years but he's also mentioned in the past that 'she asked if I'd like to try again'. Which seems a very inappropriate thing to tell a current partner.

It's so beyond inappropriate that I think you're right OP.
He wants you to do the Pick-Me Dance.

As per PP - every time he bangs on about her & it doesn't concern his kids - cut him right down. Make sure you can assume an air of bored disdain. He needs to see how ridiculous he is making himself.

If he doesn't stop, or bites back - dump him.
The Pick-Me Dance benefits nobody except him.

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

layladomino · 17/01/2022 17:26

I agree with @CamsPaisleyCuffs

*Why don't you just say to him (when he next mentions her)

"John, I'm really not bothered about what Janet is up to, I don't know why you feel the need to keep telling. I don't know her from Adam"*

This tells him you're really not interested, whilst not being angry / shouty about it. (If you're angry / shouty he'll read that as jealous and if it's his aim to make you jealous, he'll have got what he wanted). So you need to sound slightly bored, really disinterested. Ensure he knows you have no reason to be jealous of her, and that he's starting to really bore you.

Milkyway34x · 17/01/2022 17:46

I have one of these. He didn't have kids with his ex. They both worked and shared a home though with dogs. It's taken me a year to get more information about their relationship and its clear that my boyfriend has lied through his teeth about the place he was emotionally at when we met. But also how they split. But also he failed to tell me that even though they split in Feb 2019 he took her on a date in June 2019 snd expressed to a cousin in July 2020 he still wasn't over her and wanted her back. This cousin told him he needed to let it go and apparently he agreed. Along came me in November 2020. He actually went off for 4 months and came back. Because he didn't really know if he even wanted another relationship. He came back with a clear mind and knew he was ready. We started a relationship. She got abit sour towardse and tried to talk him out of it.

Milkyway34x · 17/01/2022 17:51

Sorry posted too quick.

Unfortunately he manages her still. His brain hasn't realised she's the past and he's fucking us up by answering to her.

We've had alot talks and I was ready to dump him in November. I was sick of her. He spoke to me and let me talk to him about my fears and doubts. He insisted he didn't want her back.

He does seem to mention her less the last few weeks. But I know in my heart that whatever he feels for her is powerful..she gives him nothing. They only text. No calls. No meet ups. But he's not give the contact with her up for me.

My advise is look at their relationship and why they split. Has he honestly processed it?

I feel your pain. Its the worst feeling.

I feel like I'll never mean what she did and that's rough.

ChargingBuck · 17/01/2022 18:27

He spoke to me and let me talk to him about my fears and doubts
What a prince amongst men @Milkyway34x.

But I know in my heart that whatever he feels for her is powerful
I feel like I'll never mean what she did and that's rough.

Your man has you triangulated exactly where he wants you.
Every time you have these Big Talks, he gives you more guff & you listen to his empty words while discounting his actions.
And in every one of those Big Talks, he is taking note of your emotions & how to manipulate you next time.

He "let you" talk about your feelings?
He's done fuck all to make those feelings go away, has he?

Why are you still seeing him?
Please value yourself more than this awful man who is using you & lying to you.

stupendousfragmentariness · 17/01/2022 19:00

Yeah seriously Milky way, what ChargingBuck said!

Out there is a non-fucker-abouter who won't make you feel second best.

billy1966 · 17/01/2022 20:35

Why would you waste your time with such a tit?

What's the point of someone who clearly has his head in a place where he wants to play games.

I honestly don't get why you would bother.

Tell him he clearly has feelings for her and he should give it a go again with her.....and leave him to it.

You deserve better than him.

Pinkbonbon · 17/01/2022 20:48

If you ever find yourself thinking 'maybe he is insecure' about behaviour from a guy which seems designed to make YOU feel insecure- he is not insecure, he is controlling and manipulative.

He is not a 4 year old, he is a grown man and he knows fine well that it isn't acceptable to bang on about his ex and tell you she wants him back. He says these things to make you feel like shit. Because he is not a nice person.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 17/01/2022 20:53

How about:-

“John - I’m feeling a bit uncomfortable with everything you are telling me about poor Sue. I would hate it if my ex Fred told his new girlfriend such personal things about me.”

MadMadMadamMim · 17/01/2022 20:53

I think I'd say to him in a flat tone, I'm so bored with you constantly bringing up Janet. Janet who I don't know, and couldn't give a shit about. Honestly, John - either you need to stop it now or we'll just call it a day and you can either give it another go with her, or not. But your conversation is so tedious I'm rapidly going off you. I'm not sure if you are trying to make me jealous but it's not working. It's just putting me right off you.

Original poster
DangerKangeroo · 17/01/2022 22:37

@Ohfortheloveofgodwhatnow thats funny, I'd love to say that very dryly to him Grin

Milkyway that is horrible, I'm so sorry about how he is treating you.

So, I did used to think it was unintentional/idle chat but now I really think its purposeful. He knows I dont feel comfortable with him being so "close" to her, talking about her day etc yet he continues. So I agree with pp, he's trying to make me insecure. I think I'll back off and reconsider this relationship.

OP posts:
TracyMosby · 17/01/2022 22:44

I think that is a wise decision, danger.

@Milkyway34x youre being treated appallingly. You should move on

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 17/01/2022 22:48

So, I did used to think it was unintentional/idle chat but now I really think its purposeful.

In general, trust your instincts. I was going to ask whether he tests your reaction. Watching you carefully, asking loaded questions afterwards, asking favours ("will you run to the shop for me" etc), asking for sex.

GrazingSheep · 17/01/2022 22:52

Do you want to put up with this? Would it not be easier to live without these mind games?

DatingDinosaur · 17/01/2022 23:40

There was a topic on here recently about “mentionitis”. The premise being that if someone is constantly mentioning a person then that person is on their mind, a lot. It’s usually used in the context of being attracted to someone.

OP – if I was in your shoes I’d have a “sit down talk” with him and ask him if he’s aware of how much he mentions his ex when it’s not in relation to their children. Observe his reaction closely and see if it matches the words that come out of his mouth.

My first line of approach would probably be a bit sarcastic and say “Janet? Who’s Janet? Ohh, THAT Janet? How come you’ve never mentioned her before?”. Probably delivered with a slightly tongue in cheek teasing glint in my eye and a grin so he’d know I was being a bit sarky and maybe he’d pick up on the fact he talks about her too much. Then, if he continued, I’d have the “sit down talk”.

ValerieCupcake · 18/01/2022 10:48

@Milkyway34x

I have one of these. He didn't have kids with his ex. They both worked and shared a home though with dogs. It's taken me a year to get more information about their relationship and its clear that my boyfriend has lied through his teeth about the place he was emotionally at when we met. But also how they split. But also he failed to tell me that even though they split in Feb 2019 he took her on a date in June 2019 snd expressed to a cousin in July 2020 he still wasn't over her and wanted her back. This cousin told him he needed to let it go and apparently he agreed. Along came me in November 2020. He actually went off for 4 months and came back. Because he didn't really know if he even wanted another relationship. He came back with a clear mind and knew he was ready. We started a relationship. She got abit sour towardse and tried to talk him out of it.
This is the guy you wrote about on the thread by the woman with fibromyalgia and the horrible husband shouting at her? You said things are tough because of his chronic back pain and you still love him?
TurtleBackUp · 18/01/2022 11:14

My DP talks about his ex a fair amount and I have no problem with that. They share children, her name comes up regularly. He spends the weekend with her (and the children) monthly - again no issues there. I know there reason for breaking up, I know there no feelings between them. I'm actually in awe of them that the co-parent so well.

However, him telling you about her wanting to give it another try is purely to make you jealous. It's awful and deeming. Tell him to fuck off.

Spitspatspot · 18/01/2022 11:56

He seems to want to continue making himself important and useful to her - he sounds overly involved for someone who has been separated for so long…

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 18/01/2022 12:23

Every single time he mentions "ex" say "ex who?" - see his reaction to that. But do it every single time.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page