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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex and his Air BnB

27 replies

shiningcuckoo · 16/01/2022 12:37

My ex and I supposedly have the kids 50/50. They are teens and tend to come and go between houses as they please and spend significantly more time at mine. Frankly I am exhausted. I have a stressful job and a second job and a whole load of teen nonsense to deal with plus all the house stuff. The ex pays me nothing towards the kids. I have tried but he just fiddles his income and for a while I was paying him as he managed to pull the wool over the irds eyes so thoroughly. He lives with the OW so effectively a two income household.

Recently he has been sending me lists of all the dates he can't have the kids. Lots of long weekends and I started to think 'hey, this isn't work or the odd trip away'. I've now found out that he is letting out his house on AirBnB. He and his girlfriend take their caravan to the nearest caravan park.

I have two issues. He is using me as the place to send the kids whilst he is doing this. They are hardly at his already and now it's even less because he is trying to block out so much AirBnB time. And he is using the kids rooms at his place for strangers to sleep. They seem to keep most of their stuff at mine because he and his girlfriend don't like untidiness but this is so not encouraging them to go to his.

I am utterly worn out with the responsibility. Teens are hard and I'm doing all of the emotional
Heavy lifting as well as providing for them financially. I was really sick in 2021. Lots of time in hospitals including in ICT and an ongoing cancer diagnosis. At one point I died on the operating table. And now I'm supporting his side hustle by basically having the kids all the time.

So I've told him today that I know why he's asking for the kids to be with me for all these dates and I'm not enabling his AirBnB. Now he's in a right strop and is throwing back at me that he had the kids all the time I was in hospital. Would I be unreasonable to tell him to go fuck himself?

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 16/01/2022 12:39

Not Unreasonable at all

WorraLiberty · 16/01/2022 12:43

No, not unreasonable at all but it's not going to change anything is it?

You can't force him to have his kids unfortunately.

How old are they btw?

RedCandyApple · 16/01/2022 12:46

My kids have never been to their “fathers” house since we split as he rents all his rooms out to lodgers he’s found on spare room, you can’t force him to have them more unfortunately!

Chamomileteaplease · 16/01/2022 13:45

Can you say more about in which ways the teens are such hard work?

If I were you I would stop trying to make your ex be a decent human being because that isn't going to happen.

Instead I would concentrate on making it easier to cope with the kids at your house. As teens it should be easier than having younger kids.

If you can get them to help more around the house and be benign house fellows would that help?

MerryMarigold · 16/01/2022 13:57

As teens it should be easier than having younger kids.

😂

I have 3 teens. They do their fair share of jobs. But emotionally (and financially) it is exhausting. Emotions, exams, futures (what to study, where etc.), behaviour/ bad choices, friendships. Young kids are physically tiring but I think I coped much better.

MerryMarigold · 16/01/2022 14:00

Just to say OP, that I totally get it, but not sure how you could change their father. I think only way would be to be vulnerable and say they need both of you to parent them in order to have the best chance of success and emotional stability. All you can do is say please and then it's up to him. If you are forceful or demanding I think he's more likely to go the other way (I think we all would, it's not a good way to get what you, or the kids, need!).

Arabelladrinkstea · 16/01/2022 14:05

I totally hear you….. but your dc are lucky they have you and one decent parent.

My boy hasn’t stayed a single night at his dads house in over 2 years. There’s nothing you can do accept be there as the rock solid loving parent and deal with their father abandonment issues with them as they arise, as I’m sure they will!!

filka · 16/01/2022 14:12

...and a third issue, he has income from this activity. Since you know the dates and can look online for the price, you can get a pretty good idea of how much this is, and report it appropriately.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/01/2022 14:15

So he has sent you confirmation that he won't be having the kids 50:50?

Result. Back to CMS for your current claim.

And yes, do report him to HMRC next year.

And claim increased payments, including that presumably unreported income.

So many ways to screw with his head

TyrannosaurusRegina · 16/01/2022 14:30

Could you report him for not paying tax on the airbnb? I'm assuming he doesn't as it would show up as income and be taken into account for cms?

Muthalucka · 16/01/2022 14:58

Well since he has an income he should be in a position to help financially

Mermaidwaves · 16/01/2022 15:47

I think teens are much harder, my DDs were beautiful easy little girls, but they changed into beautiful little madams

Def report him to CMS and HMRC and the like. I'm not sure how you can make him be a better father though, a lot of men suck at that once they've buggered off with a new woman, the kids become an inconvenience. Your kids will know once they've matured that mum was the one who stuck around and had their back.

for your cancer struggles.

RedCandyApple · 16/01/2022 16:00

I agree teens are harder, mine were much easier when they were little

LannieDuck · 16/01/2022 16:25

Since he's told you he can't have them much this year, the % of time he's having them will need to change for CMS purposes.

Pinkbonbon · 16/01/2022 16:37

I'd just report that source of income to customers. Get texts from him that prove its because he has guests that month. Screenshot his advert and the prices too.

Also, why aren't your teenage kids telling him to pay them their fucking money? I get that you dibt want to involve them in any dispute but as a teen I'd want yo know why my dad thought it was acceptable to pay sod all for my upkeep and dump everything on my mum.

Can you sit them down and tell them you are finding things a but tough. I know conversation isn't a teenagers strong suit but maybe they'd be able to help our a bit more.

Pinkbonbon · 16/01/2022 16:38

*cms not customers

Original poster

shiningcuckoo · 17/01/2022 00:06

Thanks for all the comments. My kids are 15 and they do help around the house but only with very specific instructions from me. Things like 'please hang out the washing. Take everything from the machine and actually spread it out on the line. Use pegs to hold it on. Do it in the next 10 mins ( not sometime today which means it sits in the machine for 5 hours). Yes, they will make themselves food but unless I get cross the kitchen looks like a bombsite and they will complain about being starving for the rest of the day until I produce something proper to eat. They were much much easier when they were younger- emotionally it's all a roller coaster and their needs are much more complex. Decisions I make are more complex too.

When I was sick last year the kids were refusing to go to their dads. I insisted and dropped them at his one day. An hour later my 6ft 2 son called me. In tears. I could hear the ex ranting in the background. My son was pleading with me to come now. When I got to the ex's the kids were outside in the street. They got in the car and I drove up the street and went back on my own to the house. The girlfriend answered said nothing and tried to close the door but I put my foot in and said 'no. I need to talk to him right now'. He then appeared all red eyed. I asked what the fuck was going on. He said he didn't know. I then asked what his plans were if I died this year. Who was going to care for the kids (who were then 14). He shrugged. He bloody shrugged.

As for his not paying for stuff, he has plenty of income. He has a job, his girlfriend has a job, they own a rental and he lets put his house onnAirBnB. He also lets out his caravan. I am reluctant to contact any government organization about him because then it will become all out warfare. And that is another stress I can do without.

OP posts:

houseonthehill · 17/01/2022 08:39

He's taking the piss a bit with the Air B n B thing.

If they are 15, can't they decide if/when they go to their Dad's? We introduced that with my DS at 15, together with a bit of fitting in with the adults' plans etc. I'm the NRP, he's welcome as often as he wants and he and I largely arrange it (he's just turned 16).

trickytimes · 17/01/2022 10:04

He’s absolutely taking the piss. How about seeing a solicitor to see what your options are? I’m wondering if you just stop sending the kids but try and get some money. If he’s advertising air bnb then you have proof!

YogaRebel · 17/01/2022 11:17

You say you ve been very ill- I'm so sorry to hear that. It must have been really frightening for you and your kids and I'm guessing at the route of your exhaustion ? It sounds like you really need some support to recuperate and get your energy back? Outside of your ex -do you have other support to help you ? I'd call on that - whether it's getting meals cooked, help cleaning,lifts for kids,practically whatever you re finding too much in your day. Talk to your kids about you needing some extra help to get better - ask for them what they think they could do to help you because - they ve prob been worried sick about you but no idea what to do !

Mentally it must be so exhausting expecting your ex to have the kids and he doesn't come through / let's you down. I'm assuming this is why he's an ex ? Then add to that he s asking you to indirectly support his Air BnB - improving his life while making yours harder ? It's a headf**k for sure. Which is why I'm going to suggest instead of forcing something that that isn't working you stop putting energy into that - and focus on fixing you. Not the crap situation with him - just you.

The evidence you ve given us that the arrangement 50/50 isn't working at all, because the kids prefer your home.

He sounds like he's trying to up his income - Air BnB can be very lucrative so instead of fight it - work with it? Maybe you can all benefit here ?

accept the kids are happiest when they live with you and visit their Dad from time to time.

Adjust the arrangement - accept to have the kids but on the condition he contributes a fair share on that basis.

OR and this won't be popular on here - but I'd just largely forget him. I'd raise my kids myself. I d book with him the times you want to him have them , so you can have a break / holiday/ night out ( and then have a back up plan in case he messes it up ). Get whatever money you can - but Id just stop factoring him in.

Teenagers need a lot of direction don't they ? - they have immature brains. They re not adults yet. They react faster than they can rationalise because that part of the brain is still developing - it's hard work helping them develop the rationalising part of their brain. But that's the stage they re at - helps me to remember that ! Good luck

Original poster

shiningcuckoo · 17/01/2022 13:03

He won't pay anything. I know this. I can facilitate his AirBnB until the cows come home and he'll contribute nothing. The kids do largely decide where they are going to be but I have to make them go to their dads because (a) I need a rest or (b) I am run off my feet at work or (c) I am getting grief from the ex claiming I'm keeping them from him. Which is rubbish. They need to go to his more with their lack of useful frontal lobe. So I'll make them go to their dads after maybe three weeks with me and three days later they're back.

What really galls is that if the boot was on the other foot and I were doing AirBnB there is no way he would agree to have the kids so I could let out my house. He'd be sending a stroppy solicitors letter like a shot.

I have no one who can help. Really no one. My parents are dead, I am an only child , no close relatives either emotionally or physically. I have called on friends enough during my sickness and these are all quite new friends because I had to move four years ago when he was parading his OW all over town. I can't ask anymore.

OP posts:

Original poster

shiningcuckoo · 17/01/2022 13:05

I've been to talk to the doctor about being tired. He thinks it's my new normal. The nature of my treatment means my body has to work harder.

OP posts:

Zonder · 17/01/2022 13:09

You must go through the official channels if you want to get money from him. Do it - it's for your children. T

YogaRebel · 17/01/2022 13:48

@shiningcuckoo

You sound like you are doing really well - holding down a job and recovering from an illness and parenting. No wonder you re so tired !

Agree with others - if he doesn't have them 50/50 then you can review the income through official channels. In theory he should stick to an agreed child care schedule. If his Air BnB days fall on his childcare days that's actually his issue not yours ? You can enforce it.
My ex SIlL was being ' told ' the schedule by her ex because her ex worked night shifts so she thought she had to accommodate them. The childcare schedule was issued based on his job shifts. It was never set or regular.

Not so - courts said it's up to him to sort childcare when he's has his kids - he's not allowed to dictate it like that. She now has a schedule he has to stick to regardless - he has to either change his shifts or organise childcare. It means she can plan her life now.

I think in terms of help - it's knowing what help would work for you - and that's different for all of us ! Is it space to yourself / someone else cooking / cleaning or just a cuppa with someone to unwind ?

Just build in a little daily TLC for you - whatever keeps your spirits up, you deserve it !

For me it's cleaning - hate it . So when under pressure - I hire a cleaner for a couple of hours a week. Makes all the difference to me to have someone else clean my house for a day a week. Keeps me sane. I compromise on other things to afford it.

I walk outside every day - often with a podcast or music- I find it rejuvenating.

When I'm need a lift - an evening with a friend / lunch or even just a walk somewhere beautiful is ace. I discovered quite a few friends that like to do that so we all go -not long hikes, just strolls. Having some decent positive relationships to counter the stress of your ex is bound to help.

ChargingBuck · 17/01/2022 16:59

he had the kids all the time I was in hospital

What a stand-up guy! A regular hero!
You'd almost imagine he was the DC's parent, huh?

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