Really struggling with family dynamics

[PurpleDaisy2114]

I live with my DH and 2 DC. My family live over an hour away. DM and DF have split up so live separately. Sibling lives alone and will be celebrating a big birthday this week.

All my family seem to really struggle with life. DF cares for his elderly DM which os hard for him, he doesn't have much quality of life. My DM lives alone, doesn't work due to her MH and really struggles with anxiety. Sibling works PT and also struggles with MH.

Sibling often makes meals for DM and DF. DM rarely has anyone in her house as it makes her too anxious. House is immaculate and pristine. She lives in her bedroom really. She relies on sibling and DF emotionally and financially to some extent.

My sibling apparently called my DM as she couldn't cope with how messy her fridge was and needed my DM to sort it out for her which she did.

Sibling has booked a meal for her birthday, got a cake made and clearly wants a fuss but people need to pay for meal themselves and I'm not sure how clear she has made this which is worrying me.

It was DFs birthday and sibling suggested going halves on present which I agreed to. She was going to pay and order it as she lives in same town. Then she backtracked, said she couldn't afford it, could I do it ad she would pay me a few days later. I've done this and she has paid but less than half. I had to chase if it arrived as she didn't answer what day would be best and it has been so stressful that j said I would no go halves again.

My DM was oh you know what she is like and seemed to find it funny- saying oh you know she's tight etc. If I behaved liked that I'm not sure it would be brushed off so easily.

The 3 of them just seem to really struggle to cope with life and sort of have this inter-dependency thing going on. I'm having therapy as for me my childhood was very unhappy. Sibling said we were spoilt etc but her experience was very different to mine.

I just don't know how to move forward with the dynamics- it really gets me down...

The only way to move forward with your family of origin is to keep your distance, both emotional and physical, from all of them. They are each playing out their roles in a game here; do not get further dragged into it and yes they are all codependent and enabling of each other.

Thanks Attila, I have posted previously on the stately homes thread as DM is most definitely a narcissist. I just want to really understand, make sense of it all and move forward.

I try to keep my distance as much as possible but can't really avoid family meal that looms.

You could potentially avoid the meal by saying you'd been pinged and didn't want to potentially infect anyone? Send your best wishes and oh how sorry you are?

Agree with everyone else - distance, distance. It's the only way.

It is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist and your sister could well be a carbon copy of mother. That could also be why your mother excuses your sister so very readily.

This dysfunctional set up works for your family of origin; its entrenched and none of them are ever going to change nor accept any responsibility for their actions. Getting at all involved with them anyway and particularly your sister leaves you feeling used. Would you have tolerated what your sister has done here from a friend?.

I would not go to this family meal; make an excuse up citing d and v or something. I would also think none of your own family want to go to this anyway.

Thanks both. You are spot on Attila. I always feel used after any interaction with them. Less so my DF- he is just so absent and focused on my DM.