MASSIVE MORAL NEW YEAR RELATED DILEMMA concerning family feud...

[boHOHOhemianbint]

Hello,

Hope everyone?s having a lovely Christmas?

Right ? HUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE moral dilemma here. This is the situation-I?ll try to keep it as brief and uncomplicated as possible.

My parents separated when I was very young, mainly due to my mother being a bit of a nutter, putting us into care whilst my dad was on holiday so he couldn?t find us when he got back, and abandoning us to run off with a rich bloke. I could go on. She was never there for us as we were growing up and my dad and step-mum (who I refer to as ?mum? because she is) raised me and my brother.

Relationship with Biological Mother always been odd as she is very erratic, selfish and lies a lot. 8 years ago she cut me out of her life and I didn?t know why. We only got back in touch 7 months ago when my DS was 9 months old (although she had known I was pregnant but that?s another story.) We are now tentatively trying to reform some kind of a relationship.

This is where it gets tricky. My parents think I should have nothing to do with Bio-Mother, especially after I?ve not really had a good word to say about her in the last 8 years. I have actually met with her on 2 occasions and not told them. Not for any real reason, but the time was never really right, and I knew they would give me a really hard time and go on and on about it.

Now she?s invited us up to a holiday cottage she?s hired for the week somewhere lovely, for a couple of days over New Year. We?ve just been discussing our very limited options for NY; my parents are probably having a party but we?re learning recently that staying over in a house with a drunken party going on in it is not conducive to a relaxing fun night with a 16 month old baby ( especially when pregnant again!) We?re also skint and had just resolved ourselves to staying in together when this offer comes up. Which would, to be honest, be lovely; we wouldn?t be all alone and stuck in, we would be somewhere lovely, for free and it would be such a nice break and a change, and an opportunity to mend relationships.

So, do we

a) go ? and not tell parents that the Bio-Moth will be there (and then feel like dishonest, disloyal cow.)?
b) go, be honest with parents and live with the wrath?
c) not go, stay in and be miserable?

Thank you anyone who has got so far with all of this tangly situation. I really don?t know what to do. My instinct is to be honest, but seriously, the grief I?ll get will be massive and prolonged.

Any thoughts/help/ perspective gratefully received.

Merry Christmas!

I'd not go. Why would you automatically be miserable if you stay home?

Or if you do go, be truthful & tell your step mum & dad. It would be very hurtful to them if they found you had lied to them.

TBH I wouldn't go - your biological mum sounds flakey and is New Year, when she's likely to be pissed and you are pregnant and hormonal (I am to, I'm not being judgemental), is not the best time to get all deep and meaningful.

You are an adult, if you want to see your bio-mum - you should see her and you can decide whether and when to tell your parents though. I would suggest you make it clear to them that you are going to have a relationship and that if they don't want to hear about it you won't tell them. It's most likely they will just never ask again.

Merry christmas to you too and congrats on the pregnancy, it's hard when you have a tot and a bump isn't it?

Putting the offer of a tempting free holiday aside, would you normally willingly choose to spend a week with your biological mother? Given that you are tentatively building a relationship, I think a week in each other's company could be quite intense.

agree with MrsClaus. I think you can decline your parents invitation and say their party isn't suitable for you. With regard to having a relationship with your bio-mum I would just state that you've decided you want to have some contact with her, that she'll never be a "Mum" as such to you but since having your own dc you want to have some sort of contact with you bio mum. I guess you've just got to state it in a way that it isn't up for discussion?

Sound like you want to go. Why dont you go, maybe your bio mum has a lot to talk about.

I agree with Who Moved my chocolate. Why do you think your bio-Mum is going to be good to be with just because it's in a rented cottage somewhere nice.

But also with SelfishMrs Claus - staying in is GREAT!! DH and I love it. It's what we've done since the second NY after the first dc. In fact we go to bed especially early and feel all fresh and smug the next day thinking about the rest of the nation! Try it. Have a lovely meal and go to bed. Mmmmmmmmm.

I can see your dilemma- but isn't it time you made up your own mind and didn't worry about what other people ( your dad and step mum) think?

Only go to see your bio-mum if you are really wanting to build bridges- not just because it is a convenient bolt hole. And is your bio-mum asking you because she is lonely? I think you both need to be honest and decide if you want to develop your relationship long term, or if the NY idea is just to a) stop her feeling lonely, and b) gives you a get-out from something else.

Can you see that you are actually afraid to do what YOU want with your life? You are worrying about what everyone else will do/think, without tuning into your own needs and wants.

Well go if you like, but take of(f?) your rose tinted spectacles. It might be an opportunity to mend relationships but families in the one place over holidays can be difficult and you say yourself your bio mother is flaky.

If you do stay at home, why would you be miserable? What's wrong with enjoying the company of your partner and looking forward to t he new year and a new baby?
Call me a misrable old f...t, but we never do anything for NY- it's over hyped. Can't stnad all the fuss over a date on the calendar.

I wouldn't go for a week.

You may want to leg it and it will be difficult to take off quickly/logistically and it will be yet another drama.

You could visit the cottage for a day or two but I wouldn't do a week.

I would stay in, you may have a good time.

Do you want to go in order to spend time with your mother, or because you want to get away to a nice cottage somewhere lovely?

I agree there is a danger here that your already tentative relationship with your mother could come under a LOT of strain if you are staying in the same house for a few days. Is there going to be anyone else there - you say she's hired the place for a week but you are only going for a few days? Company could help defuse the situation, I suppose, or make it even more tense.

As for your mum and dad, you really can't go away without saying anything. Not fair. And you'd be very easily found out if you tried to keep it quiet, anyway.

You are an adult, you are quite entitled to see your biological mother if you wish. I can see that they might be hurt as they have reason to distrust her, but they have no right to stop you seeing her.

CRIKEY!!! Going away with anyone can be stressful. Chuck in a Flake and a pregnant woman ?- sounds like a recipe for disaster!!!

Seems like there are very few "pros" and a helluva lot of "cons"

I'd give it a miss.

I think going there would be a disaster. The truth is that you have not spent any time at all, save for two visits, with your bio mum in the last 8 years, so you have no idea how a break with her would go.

There is no way on earth I would risk it - I really think it would be far from the relaxing break you are thinking it would be!

Why don't you plan a pampering evening for you and DH at home instead, with a lovely walk or day out on NY day, when everyone else is nursing their hangovers?

This woman is your biological mother and she did give birth to you but that's all she did. Her parenting of you then stopped, she failed you as a Mum. She only considered her own needs and wants; toxic parent reactions. This lady went so far as to put you into care whilst your Dad was on holiday and years later cut you off. Has she ever made a truly heartfelt apology to you for her actions?. After all she has done lots of things to hurt you emotionally.

You likely still feel FOG towards her - fear, obligation, guilt. Perhaps also this is why you are entertaining this idea. You need to examine your own feelings more and what her motives are in getting you to this cottage. A second location like this gives her more power and control.

If you are trying to build a relationship (and only by what you have written she may well let you down yet again) I would proceed very slowly and with a degree of caution. I would thus not take her up her offer. New Year can also be fraught with tension at the best of times, do not do this to yourself.

Make a nice family tradition for your own self for NY's Eve and Day if you feel that strongly about it.

If you haven't already done so I would suggest you read the thread entitled "well we took you to stately homes".

Lol purpleduck!

Thanks everyone for the advice. Bio-M is going up there today with her husband - if we went we would literally be going for 2 nights.

The bizarre thing is that on the face of it I get on well with her when we are on speaking terms... But we do have to avoid talking about anything heavy - as she just doesn't take responsibility for anything. I don't think she even understands what she does a lot of the time which is very frustrating, so I've had to accept that if we are to know each other, I need to accept her as she is, to understand that she is always going to be absolutely barmy and never to rely on her. It's the only way it can work.

But yes, the temptation of a couple of nights somewhere lovely is a big motivator here. We're brassic, we haven't been anywhere in ages and this Christmas has in general been a steep learning curve with regards to what can and can't happen now DS is 16 months. It would be nice, but yes, it's far from straight forward and I'm not under any illusions about spending a couple of days with the Egg Donor and her man.

It's a really good point though, what a lot of you have said about being honest about wanting to have a relationship with my Bio-m but being honest with my parents. I think it is really unfair that anything I say will be raked over and ridiculed ad nauseum (it's always been this way, since I was 5, hence the dread of still having to deal with it) and I will have to say that I have a right to know her and it isn't up for discussion. (In the nicest possible way!)

Thanks again everyone, it really helps and there isn't anyone (apart from DP) I can really talk to about this!

Having read your comments I think it would help you to post on that thread I mentioned. There are women on there who are still dealing with the fallout from toxic relationships with their parents as children.

Your second paragraph is very telling as well - many toxic parents never take any sort of responsibility for their own actions and indeed often go on the attack. Your Mother will not change and if she needs professional help for any mental health issues she will not seek this. She is also not your responsibility ultimately.

The cottage sounds all very nice granted but going there is not a good idea under these circumstances.

I would consider counselling for your situation as well; some of the women on that other thread have spoken with therapists and it has helped them immensely. You do not need a lot of money to see a counsellor.

Great big recipe for disaster, IMO.

Cheers Attila - I think we must have x-posted there! I will check out that thread. It might be useful to go to counselling - I've always just tried to deal with stuff myself and now I have I've just tried to put it in a box and move on. But I think it has (and probably still does) cause me problems.

Yeah, you're right my mother won't change. The only time she got anywhere near "help" was when she got herself sectioned because she knew she'd be taken to the psych ward where my dad worked. He reckons she's got a personality disorder - I sometimes wonder if she's a psychopath. She did apologise last when I saw her 7 months ago, but it took some work to get there!

Useful post, thanks Attila.

"Anything I say will be raked over and ridiculed ad nauseum" - do you mean by your Mum and Dad, or by your biological mother? Sounds as if you mean the former. In which case your known parents are far from perfect, too.

If they do start to harangue you, suggest you say firmly "I am not discussing this" and then change the subject or leave the room.

Btw, I had counselling wrt my father - nowhere near as bad as your situation but I got fed up of carrying all this emotional torment around. Counselling really, really helped. I finally got rid of all those feelings and now have a much better relationship with him.

Edam - you're right, I think I do need to stop taking less crap (and not just about that!). GOod to hear counselling helped. How do you go about finding a counsellor, and do they have to be a special sort of counsellor to deal with family crap?

Firstly I think your parents' reaction is a totally separate issue. I can see why they are surprised that you want to have a relationship with her but they also should realise that she's part of your life whether you like it or not and as an adult it's up to you whather you maintain contact or not. So frankly it's none of their business and certainly shouldn't colour your attitude to meeting her.

However, you have described her as selfish and erratic. I think the issue here is how much you want this person to be involved in the lives of your children given her history with you. If there's a risk that she could hurt them like she presumably has hurt you then I think you need to consider the longer term implications of rekindling things for you and more importantly your kids. When they are old enough to understand her better then might be the time to involve them more fully in your relationship with her.

I think this is a much bigger issue than where to spend New year, and one that deserves consideration beyond simply your plans for the holiday. A break in a cottage sounds lovely but I think there's much more to this.

Personality disorders here

Stately homes thread here

I agree with what attila has said.

Bit concerned about your dad and stepmum ridiculing your natural urge to see your mother. If you want to see her, you are an adult and this is your choice and not to be ridiculed. Others have said it better than me here...

As for the holiday...the words 'strings attached' spring to mind. I would be very

And no, being pg is not the best time to deal with these things!...I cut my mother out when I was 8 mths gone...not something I would recommend! Perhaps keep your bio mum at a distance for now...put yourself, bump, ds and dh first.

Hope to see you on the other thread soon. x

I wouldn't go.

I am afraid I can't be unbiased having a crap mother myself but I think she needs to take smaller steps to make it up to you.

BTW If she was a nutter, she was ill, and maybe couldn't help it at the time. And believe me I am the last person to try and defend an appalling parent.

Hey Boho, I can't remember how I found my counsellor (it was a while ago). Think I just looked up some of the professional organisations and then searched for members near me. And rang 'em up and asked 'do you help with this kind of thing?'

Sorry not to be more constructive!