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Original poster

Divorce - unequal financial situation

22 replies

LeaveHomeNow · 15/01/2022 23:37

I’m trying to work out a way that DH and I can divorce - just run it’s course really. We rent and I’m concerned that DH would struggle to rent more than a two-bed flat after divorce (we have a boy and girl who are at age they need separate bedrooms). I assume he would want 50%/50%. I could afford to rent a house (ideally I want to buy). Speaking to lawyer, they said that his salary would be deemed to be adequate by the courts - housing situation more reflective of crazy rental market than anything else. Has anyone been in a similar situation? I’m trying to work out whether my house can be the main residence but if he’s there all the time, defeats purpose of divorcing really!!

OP posts:
titchy · 15/01/2022 23:44

Don't second guess what he intends to do for housing. Sort yourself and the kids out. He's a grown up, he can work out what he can and can't afford. It doesn't sound like you have any assets to split so should be relatively straightforward.

And don't assume he'd want the kids 50:50 - talk! And use a mediator if you can't agree.

RoyKentsChestHair · 15/01/2022 23:50

If you’re still reasonably amicable could you look into nesting? Where the house is the kids home and you have a one bed flat or similar where you stay when it’s not your night. It would mean a lot of communication and understanding between you, with cast iron boundaries re new partners and chores etc (you wouldn’t want to end up cleaning up after him and his new GF in either home!) but if you’re both decent people this could be an option.

My XH stays at my house (FMH) when I go away on holiday to save the DCs the upheaval of staying at his. They appreciate it.

Original poster
LeaveHomeNow · 15/01/2022 23:52

This is true, but we are in a tiny house currently (2 beds) and if he stayed here, which is more affordable than anything else on the market currently, the rent would be 2/3 of his salary so feeling stressed about it. It’s not going to be amicable on his side but he does a lot of childcare currently as I work longer hours and 4-6 is core work time.

But you are right - I don’t need to manage his housing. I just worry about my kids sleeping on a flat living room floor!

OP posts:
violetbunny · 15/01/2022 23:53

I agree, stop making assumptions and talk to him about what he wants to do. Ultimately though, it's his responsibility to provide suitable living arrangements.

Original poster
LeaveHomeNow · 15/01/2022 23:55

@RoyKentsChestHair I haven’t heard of nesting. I think it will a step too far for us but do wonder if we can do this during the week. I couldn’t share a flat with him though - I would spend my time cleaning it. 🤮. But it’s an interesting concept!!

OP posts:
Original poster
LeaveHomeNow · 16/01/2022 00:01

Thanks for responses - It’s not going to be amicable and I do want the set up to work for everyone, but it’s not my problem. I think I’m dreading this so much I’m trying to jump to the finish line without going through the tough discussions! Thanks for the advice!

OP posts:
Fairycake2 · 16/01/2022 00:12

@titchy

Don't second guess what he intends to do for housing. Sort yourself and the kids out. He's a grown up, he can work out what he can and can't afford. It doesn't sound like you have any assets to split so should be relatively straightforward.

And don't assume he'd want the kids 50:50 - talk! And use a mediator if you can't agree.

I naively thought similar - that because we had no assets and no children the divorce would be straightforward. However as exh has debt and about half the pension I have (due to him not starting it as early in his working life as i did), the judge refused to sign off the consent order despite the fact he earns more than me!

OP I'd get some legal advice but even then don't assume anything. The judge can decide on the day and many now push for a 50/50 split. My solicitor thought I'd have nothing to worry about but sadly they were wrong.

AlwaysinaFlap · 16/01/2022 00:13

Many a divorced father has a sofa bed in his one bed flat.

Original poster
LeaveHomeNow · 16/01/2022 00:55

@Fairycake2 ah, sorry to hear that it sounded like a tough time! Yes, my DH hasn’t saved for pension and I’ve spoken to a lawyer who warned about this. Quite annoying as he job hopped at whim, following his heart, while I had to keep the pennies rolling in, not following my heart! Need to do some more research around this.

@AlwaysinaFlapOk, ooooooh, interesting to know, thank you!

OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 16/01/2022 01:50

With a 2 bed flat he could sleep in the loungeroom or share a room with DS. You can get bunk beds with a double on the bottom and a single above. If there's another living/dinning room besides the lounge, he could turn that into a bedroom. You said you've got a 2 bed house current, how do you manage it now?

HeddaGarbled · 16/01/2022 02:05

Firstly - ‘just run it’s course’. Not good enough. There has to be a real reason to throw this bomb into your children’s lives. Long term relationships do go through ups and downs. Maybe this is a down, and it’s recoverable. Counselling?

Secondly - if your children will be living with him half the time, then you need approximate equality of accommodation, for their sakes, rather than his. Maybe you’ll both need to move somewhere where rents are more affordable.

christmascrazylady · 16/01/2022 02:28

Has he agreed to move out? He may want to stay in the house and you can move out if the separation is your choice

Fuuuuuckit · 16/01/2022 06:17

OP there are many, many 'married' families where 2 dc of different sexes share a bedroom well into teenage years. Eventually they'll be old enough to vote with their feet and the 50/50 may well change.

You need to think about your entire debt/assets if you're going 50/50 at this point, as if one party has significant asset (eg pension) there may need to be some balancing out.

Fatgalslim · 16/01/2022 09:38

@HeddaGarbled

Firstly - ‘just run it’s course’. Not good enough. There has to be a real reason to throw this bomb into your children’s lives. Long term relationships do go through ups and downs. Maybe this is a down, and it’s recoverable. Counselling?

Secondly - if your children will be living with him half the time, then you need approximate equality of accommodation, for their sakes, rather than his. Maybe you’ll both need to move somewhere where rents are more affordable.

I'm sure OP knows better than you about her marriage
user1471457751 · 16/01/2022 09:46

If you currently live in a 2 bed home, why the concern about your husband having a 2 bed flat?
Also, if he is doing majority of looking after the children now maybe he will want the children full-time with you seeing them every other weekend.

pog100 · 16/01/2022 10:25

@HeddaGarbled

Firstly - ‘just run it’s course’. Not good enough. There has to be a real reason to throw this bomb into your children’s lives. Long term relationships do go through ups and downs. Maybe this is a down, and it’s recoverable. Counselling?

Secondly - if your children will be living with him half the time, then you need approximate equality of accommodation, for their sakes, rather than his. Maybe you’ll both need to move somewhere where rents are more affordable.

Strangely, she didn't ask your opinion on their marriage.
titchy · 16/01/2022 11:01

@user1471457751

If you currently live in a 2 bed home, why the concern about your husband having a 2 bed flat? Also, if he is doing majority of looking after the children now maybe he will want the children full-time with you seeing them every other weekend.
Reasonable question.... He wouldn't for example be the first father to quit his job then come after you for child maintenance, particularly given a court may well see him as the primary carer. Be careful.
AlwaysinaFlap · 16/01/2022 11:28

[quote LeaveHomeNow]@Fairycake2 ah, sorry to hear that it sounded like a tough time! Yes, my DH hasn’t saved for pension and I’ve spoken to a lawyer who warned about this. Quite annoying as he job hopped at whim, following his heart, while I had to keep the pennies rolling in, not following my heart! Need to do some more research around this.

@AlwaysinaFlapOk, ooooooh, interesting to know, thank you![/quote]
Well the thing is divorce certainly makes everyone poorer. You only have so much in the pot. I'm not quite sure how you think you're both going to end up in what you see as adequate accommodation. You have to be realistic.

Suagar · 16/01/2022 14:20

@HeddaGarbled

Firstly - ‘just run it’s course’. Not good enough. There has to be a real reason to throw this bomb into your children’s lives. Long term relationships do go through ups and downs. Maybe this is a down, and it’s recoverable. Counselling?

Secondly - if your children will be living with him half the time, then you need approximate equality of accommodation, for their sakes, rather than his. Maybe you’ll both need to move somewhere where rents are more affordable.

This @HeddaGarbled It's so sad that people give up so easily and decide to smash their families apart. Sad

Divorce has permanent effect on children, including their own future relationships as adults. I'm a child of divorce myself. In the end it's the kids who bear the brunt of the divorce. I doubt for example, either the OP or her husband would relish splitting their lives between two different houses. Also potentially having strangers not of their choosing becoming a forced part of their lives in childhood or adulthood (I.e. future boyfriends/girlfriends of their parents). People think nothing of what they readily inflict on children these days.

Casper001 · 16/01/2022 14:49

@Suagar well said. I wish more people were more selfless. So many people these days just want to do what suits them.

Original poster
LeaveHomeNow · 16/01/2022 17:27

Yeah, just woke up and randomly decided to divorce. Hmm I have been sitting on this for four years and I actually think my children will have a healthier understanding of what a relationship should be than the status quo. I am thinking of them - I can’t bear the thought of the hardship they would endure which is why it took me to this point. My parents should have divorced and didn’t - I am the only child who married (out of 5) and the others will never, never marry - so it works the other way too!

My children are getting to the point where joint bedrooms is not suitable - the current house will not be suitable going forward. They really need their own space now. They are not little children.

He’s not the primary carer now - I do more now, it’s just that there are key times when he is needed currently when I have to work. But good point re coming after me - good to bear in mind!

Thanks for those who responded on my original question - I’m trying to research this so this is really, really helpful.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 16/01/2022 20:05

Sorry - it was the ‘run it’s course’ phrase that concerned me, without, of course, knowing the full details of your situation. I apologise.

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