I'm not going to message him but I feel sick...

[maskedwoman]

I don't know why....

I've left him after a few years of marriage. He is controlling, emotionally manipulative and 100% a narcissist.

I left 3 months ago, he's been trying to get me back ever since. It's been harassment and I've been close to calling the police.

He's on a night out tonight and I think he will be 'on the pull' if you like....why do I feel so sick? After the way he's treated me?

He's been absolutely awful. I hope I'm over this soon

Maybe because you're imagining him giving his best side to another woman after he's been so awful to you.
Maybe because the thought of him out enjoying himself after makng you miserable is salt in your wounds.
Maybe because you think now he's lost you he should be full of regret rather than moving on like nothing happened.
If even he's charming someone tonight, it won't last and his true self will show soon enough. And whatever he's up to, its better than him being around you. He's not worth your thoughts.

Because you've been trained to think him being interested in someone else is- a bad thing, your fault as you aren't good enough to hold his attention, a reason to panic and desperately do the 'pick me' dance.

It isn't true though. Things have changed. It would be good if he was thinking about someone else.

I've been wanting him to find someone else and honestly haven't cared if he did as he just has not left me alone. I'm in therapy and working on myself and my boundaries.

I think it's mostly because today his been the first day he has left me alone. And he's actually paid maintenance for DS for the first time since I left - i know what a twat,

Well done! It's absolutely fine to notice the feelings, acknowledge them, then rationally put them to one side if they are unhelpful.

Do you have kids together? If not, block him on everything and stop viewing his social media. Come off your account if the pull is too strong. Cut out any mutual friends that can't respect your ask to not share information between you two.

If you don't know what he is doing, you won't be goaded into these feelings.

But you have to choose to let go op.

And if he harasses you again, call the police. That's what they are there for. Make sure to keep a record of his nasty behaviour. Get yourself a camera doorbell if you think he will try to come over once you block him.

Ah there is a child?
In In case, block him everything bar one burner phone and try to only respond to messages regarding child care. Have a family member do any pick ups and drop offs if possible and never let him into your house or go into his.

Set boundaries for yourself and the treatment you will tolerate and walk away/hang up whenever you feel they are being disrespected. You cannot count on him to respect you so you have to respect yourself.

@Pinkbonbon

Do you have kids together? If not, block him on everything and stop viewing his social media. Come off your account if the pull is too strong. Cut out any mutual friends that can't respect your ask to not share information between you two.

If you don't know what he is doing, you won't be goaded into these feelings.

But you have to choose to let go op.

And if he harasses you again, call the police. That's what they are there for. Make sure to keep a record of his nasty behaviour. Get yourself a camera doorbell if you think he will try to come over once you block him.

Yes a DS together. He's not on social media and I'm not either really. I have fb but I don't go on it so I don't have to deal with that temptation.

I would never go back to him that's the thing - so I don't understand why I feel like this!

I think it's just because I haven't heard from him today which is a first but I didn't enjoy the attention/harassment he was giving me anyway.

I think they condition our emotions and we start to rely on them for the ups and downs. So it's a horrible rollercoaster. But when they just suddenly vanish, it's like, we no longer have any framework for when the highs and lows are. So its bound bound make you feel a bit like you've stepped out of a plane with no parachute. Because all the endorphins and stress hormones have no idea what's going on and when they should be releasing. Plus, we know when they are quiet, it's usually because they are plotting something.

The way you are feeling is perfectly natural. Just take it a day at a time. And keep reminding yourself that he is toxic and would be the same for anyone else in future. All you can do is protect yourself and your kid as much as possible and keep him at arms length.

Change is hard sometimes. You are used to thinking of him as your partner so the thought of him with someone else will feel odd.
You won’t feel this way forever so work on distracting yourself and staying busy. Next time it won’t impact you so much

I think this is completely normal.

Just remind yourself that he is awful and that this is a good thing.

You need something to take your mind off of it. You’re so used to having him harassing you that it feels unnatural that he’s not.

Posting on here is great!
Do you have any friends that you can go out with next weekend?
You could go on SM or a dating site even if you’re not ready to date yet the idea that there are other men out there might help you with feeling not so lonely.

@WonderfulYou

I think this is completely normal.

Just remind yourself that he is awful and that this is a good thing.

You need something to take your mind off of it. You’re so used to having him harassing you that it feels unnatural that he’s not.

Posting on here is great!
Do you have any friends that you can go out with next weekend?
You could go on SM or a dating site even if you’re not ready to date yet the idea that there are other men out there might help you with feeling not so lonely.

Thank you for your reply, that's exactly what it is. I'm not used to him not harassing me!

I've been busy all day today and sat down to order a takeaway and watch Saturday night tv, was all fine but then my mind started to wander....

I do have plans for next weekend so that will really help.

In all honesty im scared for online dating incase he finds me on it or someone he knows sees me on it. I've been accused of cheating and seeing other men by him as obviously the reason I've left cannot be him

But I'll bare it in mind once my confidence is on the up!
Writing on here really does help.