Caught feelings for FWB

[messedupmess]

I got into a casual situation 4 months ago after leaving my husband. My marriage was over long before that with zero intimacy or sex.

If it's helpful I'm F(34) and FWB M(30)

Anyway, the sex with his new guy was mind blowing, the communication also started off good, speaking every couple of days. He brought a smile back to my face and made me feel wanted and desired but it changed recently where he only ever got in touch to arrange to meet up. We met the other night and he stayed at mine. In the morning I saw dating app notifications on his phone and it crushed me. I realised then I like him more than I should to be able to continue sleeping with him in this way.

I have spoken to him and been honest. He doesn't want a relationship just now (I know the unsaid words there is that he doesn't want one with me) otherwise why would he been on dating sites.

Now...I know and have known from the start that he isn't the man for me. He has very little spare time. Works a very busy job with long hours and has his 3 kids frequently. So why am I so gutted about this rejection?

I don't know if I even like him or the idea of a man like him. I.e he is a really hard worker. Proper grafter and a brilliant dad and family man. That's the kind of man I want and everything my ex wasn't.

Does anyone have any helpful insight to help me understand and manage my emotions around this?

This is why I don’t do fwb someone usually (nearly always the woman) ends up getting feelings. It’s fwb so he’s free to be on dating sites and is sleeping with others

This is exactly what would put me off having a FWB situation and as the previous poster has said it is likely that the woman would develop the feelings.

This was me two years ago, just come out of a long, lonely, abusive marriage and met someone who bowled me over but would only offer me FWB. I remember after sleeping together I would log onto POF after he had gone home to see if he was online, he always was. It hurt me as I felt like I meant nothing to him, which I didn't.

This went on for 6 months, my feelings getting stronger. He then suddenly dumped me and is now living with his proper girlfriend despite him telling me every time he didn't want a relationship, no, he just didn't want one with me.

It's so hard I know but it's unlikely he's going to offer you more, FWB seems to be a stop gap before they meet 'the one', and you are dropped like a hot potato, keep your options open hard as that is.

I missed out the important detail that when I spoke to him about it I said I couldn't carry on with the situation so it is over.

But I still feel rubbish

@RedCandyApple you are right and he can absolutely be on dating sites etc and at the start I was ok with that but seeing it the other morning made me realise im more into him than I thought, so I spoke to him and ended our arrangement

@Mermaidwaves I am so sorry that happened to you.
After I was honest with him and he said he didn't want a relationship but was still on apps I knew this would be the situation for us in a few months and I don't think I could cope with that. How did you get over it?

Fwb often doesn't work for a lot of women, ime, for this reason. I dont think we're particularly wired to have casual sex.

It might help to look at it from a different perspective. loads of folk just aren't ready to settle. I remeber a male friend of mine post divorce being a rampant shagger for about a year before he met his long term partner. He said it wasn't that those women weren't great, he just wasn't ready and if he'd met his partner then they might not be together now, she was much the same. So, plenty of folk are just in a particular stage of their lives where sticking with one person just isn't going to work

In essence. The problem with casual sex is noone wants to be treated casually

I was going to suggest ending it op, you did the right thing there, what I find about these men that “don’t want relationships” like you already said they usually mean don’t want with you, I’ve seen loads of men say the same that then go on to get a girlfriend when someone they like comes along. I couldn’t do fwb as I’m someone who would get feelings as well, I’m sure people will say men get feelings too in fwb situations. And whilst I believe that may happen I think it’s not as often as men are much better at separating sex and feelings, he will dump you as soon as he meets someone he likes so good for ending it.

I have a couple of FWB’s. I knew that’s all I wanted from the start. It’s not for everyone and I don’t get attached. They are really nice guys too. The sex is amazing. So for me it works perfectly.

It’s sad but I was also going to say before you’d ended it that I think it’s your only option. It’s for the best. He can’t give you what you want and you won’t be able to switch off your feelings if you carry on. Plus you might miss out on meeting someone who is right for you.

Thank you all. When I was younger and before I got married I was absolutely ok with casual and enjoyed it so thought I would be fine again. Clearly not. He was super kind when I spoke to him about it but I knew he was trying to save my feelings.

I am more upset about this than when I left my husband. I genuinely don't know why or how to deal with how I am feeling.

This is why FWB often just doesn't work...

It is fairly natural I would say that if you are enjoying someone's company you will eventually develop an emotional bond and want more.

There is also something rather unpleasant about realising you are just an option/a temporary distraction for someone while they are looking for something 'better'. Maybe you have reached a stage in your life when casual sex just isn't for you anymore and you should not settle for something that doesn't meet your needs.

Also, as someone pointed out with these men who claim not to be 'ready for a relationship' the harsh reality is that they are not ready for a relationship with you. They will often suddenly settle down with someone else in a heartbeat because they really like her and she won't stand for a FWB arrangement.

I think it bothers me that these men are perfectly happy to take what they can get from a woman in the meantime. Which is why FWB is not for me, I am not going to be someone's convenient shag until something better comes along...

I have a theory that the first relationship after a split is always a disaster
Throw this one back
Really , your emotional feeling for him is skewed
Get out and find someone nicer

@messedupmess
It took a long time to get over it, I kept questioning what this woman had that I didn't which was terrible for my mental health.

I think you've done the right thing in ending things, its given you control over the situation, if he's still actively looking OLD he will eventually meet someone and its soul destroying.

You deserve to be someone's priority

@messedupmess

I missed out the important detail that when I spoke to him about it I said I couldn't carry on with the situation so it is over.

But I still feel rubbish

You have done the best thing but be prepared for his reappearance at some point for another hook up . Say No.

Well you’ve just come out of a relationship, you will be a bit all over the shop. I am a great believer in FWB, but you can’t use it as an emotional crutch, and need to have head screwed on etc.

It’s not right for you now, or perhaps ever. You are bound to feel a bit shit. Focus on the future, book some nice things in and put some energy into being happy with yourself.

I think perhaps you were using this new man to help you cope and get through the marriage ending... whether it was over before or not. You (rightly) liked feeling desired and wanted again.

I always think it's important to have a gap between relationships (not always possible, but usually best). Take that time to get to know "you" again. You without a man, or a marriage. Being able to do what you like, when you like, not at anyone's beck and call.

You've just emerged from a dead relationship and your FWB showed you intimacy and kindness. I think it's more about rekindling a sense in you of what you're missing, rather than necessarily being about him - because you've already acknowledged that he's not the man for you.

I don't do FWB very well because sex ends up creating a false sense of intimacy in my head. I know not everyone is like that. But I do think that in your situation, with you rediscovering yourself, it's more about stirring up long-dead emotions and maybe just a general sense of loss.

I'm glad he was kind when you spoke to him. And I'm glad that you were strong enough to recognise it was no longer healthy, and ended it. You sound amazing. And you will rediscover romance and love with the right person when the time is right.

You got attached is all.
You are probably still processing the end of the marriage. Sometimes a disproportionate reaction to a situation can be that your feelings about another situation have suddenly found an outlet.

This was me about 3 years ago. I snagged about to get the memories of my ex out of my head, but I was still very raw and emotionally vulnerable, met a halfway decent bloke and despite our encounters being less than what I deserved, I got attached. And like you, as soon as I realised what was happening I pulled the plug.

You will feel better on a week or two, the feelings of bonding from having sex will fade and you'll be OK. My suggestion is to block him everywhere, delete any pictures, metaphorically wash him out of your hair. And don't date for a while.

For me, casual sex was a maladaptive coping mechanism that hurt me more than I could admit at the time. I don't regret those experiences as such, but looking back I can see I needed to focus on myself for longer.

*shagged