How long between "knowing" it was over and actually instigating it?

[Laziebo]

I think I knew deep down, 3 years ago that it was over, but I was in a vulnerable position and not ready to leave so I hung on, whilst planning what to do. I saw a solicitor, got mortgage calculations based on my earnings then and future earnings that I was intending to strive towards etc. I even moved out for a short time due to covid with DCs and blamed it on DHs covid-exposing job to test the waters. I decided that I could do separation but needed to wait until youngest DC was older as I was exhausted from constant night wakings, working, doing all school runs and parenting.

1 year after the covid separation, I know for definite that it's over. At Christmas, I got tired of his condescending and subtle put-downs infront of family and friends, I got tired of his lack of self control when drinking, tired of creating all the Christmas magic with no appreciation or help.

Youngest DC is a little older now, starting school in Sept, I've reached my intended salary target and I have hobbies of my own to keep myself healthy and proactive throughout this process. All I've done is to set myself up ready for a potential separation.

Thing is, I still aren't ending things. I don't know what I'm waiting for. Ive possibly made it comfortable for myself to stay by getting my needs met through hobbies and friends for 3 years. I have no relationship with DH whatsoever, which used to devastate me but now, I'm used to it. Maybe I'm pushing myself too much and just in need of a little reflection time before I begin the process? Perhaps I need some January down time? I don't know.

How long between you 100% definitely knowing you were done and actually instigating the separation? And what gave you the kick you needed?

Just to add, I've only been independently financially comfortable enough to leave him for 2 months.

It took me just over 3 years when the thought of staying was more horrifying than the fear of leaving.

Good luck!

3 years. Things kept happening, like bereavements and exams etc, that meant ‘now is not a good time’. It was the death of my DM that finally gave me the impetus, well especially his fuckwit attitude towards her death! Final, absolute evidence that he did not have my back.

Have to say, I feel like I'm waiting for the final nail in the coffin. Like I just need one more massive dick move, no idea why.

2 years for me. His behaviour when my mother died was the final nail in the coffin but I was not ready to call it then.

I wish I had been as he tore through my tiny inheritance in months!

I’d also say he had no idea it was coming. Weirdly satisfying.

Also a few years for me. Came to the conclusion that if I lived the rest of my days the same way, I'd be miserable.

I haven't looked back.

@Laziebo

Have to say, I feel like I'm waiting for the final nail in the coffin. Like I just need one more massive dick move, no idea why.

Why subject yourself to it? Why wait around until he hurts you for one last time? If he’s a dick then the divorce and co parenting is going to be difficult enough. You don’t need one last bit of pain to convince yourself it’s ok to leave. It IS ok, you know this. And it could be another six months before he does anything big enough. That’s six months you could be enjoying your new life, with your DC in a new home.

That's true @sn0tnose
I just thought that, by the time I was properly ready, financially independent, more time etc, that I'd just be desperate to call it a day.
I don't seem to be.
It's not because I have feelings for him, but that I'm not as ready as I thought I'd be somehow.

I’m in a similar position to you. I’ve known for 2.5 years but am still finding it hard to finalise things. A year ago I told him that it was time to split. I told him I don’t love him and haven’t for some time. We haven’t had sex for 8.5 years (married for 16, so weeks haven’t had sex for over half our marriage!, and he still doesn’t think this is a problem) so there absolutely no romantic connection. When we had the divorce discussion he said he would move out and let the kids and I stay in the house as it’s close to their school. I have been waiting for him to move out ever since. He isn’t doing anything about it and just living in complete denial. He even still wears his wedding ring grr. I’m so angry. I can’t settle in this house, and the only time I am happy is when he is out. I feel like the only way to resolve this is for the kids and I to move out and leave him. I’m the higher income earner and do 80% of the kids stuff, so feel I should stay in the house and buy him out. My friends think I’m crazy for not dealing with it. I need to see a solicitor and get the ball rolling. I can’t live like this for another year :(

It took me two years; the first to grieve the relationship and life I would never have as a family, the second to get all my ducks in a row. So many incidents happened during that second year of building up to leaving that confirmed it was absolutely the right decision, and made it much easier to end things.

It sounds like you are ready, I'd go now if I were you.

I'd say 3 years in total.

The first year was when I tried to squash the feelings down, but they ket popping up.

The next 2 years were spent agonising about how XH would feel, where would I live, doing endless sums to try and work out how much I could spend on a house/flat...it was exhausting.

Turns out that XH was nowhere near as devastated as I assumed he'd be and I'm staying in the house til ds1 leaves school at least. The imaginings were far worse than the reality.

And oh, the relief once we'd had 'the conversation'.