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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What is the right thing to do?

14 replies

roarfeckingroarr · 15/01/2022 13:25

Ex fiancé left me when DS was 9 months, six months ago. It seems he had a depressive break down but he had been cold for a long time, we hadn't had sex since early pregnancy (very much his choice), I felt invisible and deeply sad for a long time.After a while of friction we managed to co-parent well. He's an attentive, loving parent who pays maintenance plus half nursery fees, I can't fault him there.

Over the past month we've started getting on very well again, as friends. He's realised I wasn't the problem, his childhood was, he's in therapy. We now spend a fair chunk of time as a family and it's fun, we laugh, there's great affection there, he says he's always loved me, still does just needs to work on himself, he is and was a workaholic and takes stress badly.

Around two months ago I started seeing someone. He's brilliant but it's early days and I don't know if I'm fully ready.

My question is, do I have to tell ex? He's asked, although he said he knows he has no right to ask, and because things are finally good between us I said no. New chap doesn't spend time with DS and won't for a long long time, if it works out. He has met him for about five min, but toddler wouldn't have clocked he's anything more than a friend, and I've no plans for it to happen again.

Do I have to be open at this stage? It's been a very hard six months, we're finally doing all this well together, and new guy isn't going to be in my son's life for a long time. Problem is I hate lying, hate it, I'm bad at it and my anxiety is through the roof. I feel awful.

Please help me, MN massive

OP posts:
shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 15/01/2022 13:41

Lying helps in the short term but not in the long term.

In the long term it's not just the lie but the deceit and trust.

You don't owe him anything but you will (rightly) have a relationship with him whilst your son needs it (not romantic)

I would tell him he was right but it's too early to talk about it, it's not a serious relationship and you expect him to respect your privacy as it doesn't affect your son

Gas lightning will do him more harm in the long run. It might help him in the long run, allow him to move on too

Sonaftersonafterson · 15/01/2022 13:44

Are you hoping for a reconciliation? If so, dont tell him.

If not, be honest.

roarfeckingroarr · 15/01/2022 16:02

I honestly don't know at this stage. I just don't want to treat people badly. I walked away from him leaving me with my head held high, knowing I tried as hard as I could and that I had been entirely honest throughout. He can be difficult and parenting is going well so I don't want to mess with that.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 15/01/2022 16:10

@roarfeckingroarr

I honestly don't know at this stage. I just don't want to treat people badly. I walked away from him leaving me with my head held high, knowing I tried as hard as I could and that I had been entirely honest throughout. He can be difficult and parenting is going well so I don't want to mess with that.
I think you've complicated things enough by bringing a new man onto the scene just 4 months after the break-up.

If you don't know at this stage whether you want to get back with the father of your child, you're complicating things even further.

Thelnebriati · 15/01/2022 16:14

You've only been seeing your new bf for 8 weeks, and your ex has only been behaving nicely for 4.
Don't say anything yet. Its not keeping a secret. He isn't entitled to know everything you do, and it might not work out.

backtolifebacktoreality · 15/01/2022 16:16

Don't lie but don't commit either. Just be a bit nonchalant about it. Say you've met a guy and been out a couple of times but at this stage you don't know if there is anything more to it.

cherryonthecakes · 15/01/2022 16:32

No need to say anything yet but once it looks like it could be serious then you might want to casually drop into conversation that you're in a relationship but your son isn't meeting him yet. Hopefully by then he'll be dating too

By telling him now you risk him going back to nasty ex and not being able to enjoy things with the new man.

Dawninglory · 15/01/2022 16:41

If you are not sure what you want, I think seeing another man so soon after complicates the situation more.

roarfeckingroarr · 16/01/2022 11:59

I don't know what I want so usual Mumsnet advice is to choose neither. Ex was awful when he left, I was left with a baby totally blindsided, he accused me of emotional abuse (laughable), and I didn't see this absolute U-turn coming. It's a mess and im really quite annoyed I've been put in this situation.

OP posts:
Momijin · 16/01/2022 12:04

Hey lovely. Your ex left you and you have every right to move on. When he asked you, you don't need to lie , just simply tell him that your private life is no longer his concern.

You can enjoy seeing this man and seeing how it goes. If it leads somewhere then fine, if it doesn't then also fine. If at a later stage you think you may want to start things with your ex then you can do that.

He left you. You don't owe him anything.

billy1966 · 16/01/2022 12:53

@roarfeckingroarr

I don't know what I want so usual Mumsnet advice is to choose neither. Ex was awful when he left, I was left with a baby totally blindsided, he accused me of emotional abuse (laughable), and I didn't see this absolute U-turn coming. It's a mess and im really quite annoyed I've been put in this situation.
OP,

This is what you have to remember, and keep remembering.

If you are scared to tell him because he may get nasty again, doesn't that tell you everything?

Don't look back, move forward with your life.

You owe your Ex nothing.

Tell him you are seeing someone casually when you want, but remember you owe him nothing.

Flowers
roarfeckingroarr · 16/01/2022 13:58

Thank you guys.

I have a huge fear of disappointing people and I hate feeling dishonest. He abandoned us and it's funny how this huge volt face has come about after the baby handed him a packet of condoms 🤦‍♀️ (his new favourite thing is to open drawers, he went into my bedside drawer... ex being in my home to see the baby is a whole different thread).

I just feel shit about it all and I've worked so hard and brought up DS doing 95% of everything. I don't deserve to feel this way.

OP posts:
NorthSouthcatlady · 16/01/2022 17:40

I wouldn’t tell the ex anything, unless he asks. Even then l would say you’ve been seeing someone but not get into the detail of it. It’s not his business anymore. Have you been asking him if he’s seeing anyone else?

billy1966 · 16/01/2022 17:57

@NorthSouthcatlady is right.

When he walked out on you and finish things, he gave up his right to know your private business.

There is a type of particularly odious man that walks out on a woman with a young baby...only real scum do that.

You owe him nothing.
The truth is you are really not ready for another relationship if you think you do.

You need to value yourself.

Flowers
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