Hi everyone
Apologies if this is not the place to post this. I was a member of mumsnet a while ago and to be honest miss the conversations on here. I have many issues going on in my life and If I was to describe them in detail I would literally be here for days. The main issue is my life now is family. Around 2017 (when I was 27) my dad became very ill, and eventually in 2019 was diagnosed with a life limiting illness and was not expected to live beyond five years. Unfortunately, as an only child I took on a lot of the caring responsibilities at a great cost to my own social life. Flash forward to 2022, he is now in full time care which has assisted in having some of my life back. Prior to 2019 I had my own place but moved back in to help my mum with the caring responsibilities. Now at the age of 31 I am still living at home which is embarrassing but it is my relationship with my mum which is now really affecting my health. Despite my age she does try to control everything in my life, she likes everything her own way and acts very passive aggressively when she does not get her own way. My anxiety is literally through the roof all the time, I have poor self-esteem and just generally have given up with life.
This bring me onto the other issue which is girlfriends. I was in an abusive and toxic relationship for four years, ending in 2018. Although living together for a short time I never properly moved in. Due to my strange relationship with my mother, I rarely tell her things about my personal life. Therefore, I never mentioned to her that I had a girlfriend, however, she eventually found out via Facebook and hit the roof as I had not told her. She immediately took a disliking to her, despite never meeting her which damaged the relationship from the start. I think the issues my mum had with her were the fact she was unemployed and on benefits, ten years older than me and had three children. I think part of the issue was I was trying to make everyone happy and just felt nothing I ever did was good enough.
Anyway, fast forward onto 2019 and I entered another relationship. At the start it was a friends with benefits sort of thing which we both agreed to. However, by the end of the year we had developed feelings for one another and were in a relationship. My current girlfriend is nine years older than me and has two children. She is a very nice person and I do enjoy spending time with her. However, I have not told my mother about her despite it being two years later. I suppose I am just worried about how she will react again and to be honest cant be bothered with all the hassle of people bickering and trying to play happy families again. I know she is unlikely to approve. In a way it is easier just to keep my personal lives separate if that makes sense. However, as you can imagine my girlfriend has had enough of this and feels still spending three days a week together is not enough. She is looking to move house and wants me to move in with her but I am not sure if this is what I want. As much as I love her I am not sure if I really want to be with her. Although I get on with her two children, the younger one really does my head in, constantly screaming and wanting his own way. He is always damaging things in the house from jumping over everything. The dad is not that involved and as a result is literally there all the time, I feel suffocated by him and would not know how I would manage living with him full time. At least in other relationships the father generally has the children one/two weeks a month or similar arrangements. I appreciate he is a typical 5/6-year-old but I feel I have less patience with him as he is not mine, definitely a “its not you it’s me sort of thing”. The older child is much older and does their own thing and we get on fine. The other issue is she is 40 years of age and has stated it is unlikely she would have any more children. I am in two minds whether I want children or not but the issue is if I stay with her it is unlikely I will have children with her. Even if she changed her mind, by the time we move in together and are settled I feel that biologically it is unlikely to happy anyway. The other smaller issue is that she lives about an hour away from me whilst my work and family are all within a twenty-minute drive. She has stated she would only by looking for houses local to her due to her children’s school and work being there and the fact she does not drive.
I am just not sure what to do and what I want in life. Am I being selfish? Am I out of order for thinking that her circumstances just do not fit in with mine and that we want different things? I have never felt so guilty in my life as I cannot give her what she wants now. On one hand I feel like I should end the relationship and find someone or a similar age or slightly younger who is childless and wants a family some day or should I try and make it work with this girl and would I regret is as the “one who got away”. I was diagnosed with mental health issues in 2019 and took a long-time off work as a result, I think this makes me very anxious and indecisive. I have booked in with a therapist this week who specialises in hypnotherapy and BWRT. I am hoping that this helps get my life back into some kind of order or at the very least helps with the anxiety.
Apologies for the long post, I suppose I am just looking for some advice in a non-judgemental way. Apologies if this causes offence to any women on here, it is certainly not intended to be. I appreciate it is very odd for a 31 year old man to be in this situation but I am trying to resolve it whilst trying not to hurt anyone.