How do have conversations with your DH about issues, without angry escalation?

[OverTheHill50]

Don't know whether it's the intensity of being together too much during the pandemic, or the fact that our youngest child left for uni, so it's just us together, but DH seems to be getting on my nerves more and more with all the little things he does feeling like constant microaggressions.
But when I try to raise anything, ask that he not do certain things it always ends up in an angry shouting match.
How do you manage to have productive discussions about things without being accused of being a 'nag' or him storming off and being huffy for 24 hours?

Examples (some trivial, some less do?)

• if he empties the kitchen bin and there is 'bin juice' in the bottom he leaves it open, without the lid on "to air" rather than washing it out. Result is it ends up as a sticky smelly mess on the bottom and I end up washing it out before putting a clean bag in

• we have a pull out drawer under bathroom sink. It's deep, so I organised it a few years ago with organiser boxes with different sections for e.g. toothpaste & teeth; soap & shower gel; DH's shaving stuff; my sanpro etc. When DH buys anything he just throws it in on the top, toothpaste still in box etc presumably assuming I will sort it into its proper section later.

• he just suddenly decides to take over part of the house without discussion. He has an office in a 'posh shed' at the bottom of the garden, but over Christmas brought his laptop and set up a 'temporary desk' on a table in the corner of our little TV room (where the DSs would watch TV and I would sometimes sit & read, or use for having coffee with a friend over). He's still in there, monopolising it all day, every day! When I tried to raise it he said if I wanted to use it to just tell him and he'd move into another room. But that's not the point, as I think it's part of the living area of our house and I shouldn't have to 'ask' to use it!

I just can't seem to have a reasonable conversation about any of these sorts of things!

'say something like

When I saw the toiletries on top of the drawer rather than placed in the different sections, it made me feel unappreciated because I’ve taken the time to organise that drawer and it makes my life easier to keep it that way. I would like you to place the toiletries in the separate sections in future. '

OMG I am the queen of organised storage but even I could not say this with a straight face.

@namechange30455

How do you raise it at the moment?

Yes this is a good question! OP maybe give an honest account of how the conversation usually goes and when it turns into shouting? Maybe typing it out will help you see the issue. Also I’m curious 🤣

@Daenerys77 fair enough, I probably couldn’t either. I think it seems less silly when you’re talking about something important! At least I hope so

No there isn't a magic conversation you can have without the word divorce in it.
Both my ex husbands were the same.

I shout a bit, DH listens, some stuff changes, some doesn't...

Not much escalation tho as DH is not a dick.

Take some space back without much consultation, move your gym stuff back out into the garden room. See what happens.

Think you're on a path to needing to live alone. Also check if you're menopausal as the fuckwittery limits go down a lot. :-)

Buy a bag of white cat litter and put a couple of handfuls of it in the bottom of the bin. That absorbs any gunk and is far easier to deal with, which could completely take away one of the unnecessary pinch points and then he won't react so badly because you won't be smelling stinky bin.

Won't solve everything, but you won't be washing a stinking bin out or having arguments over it anymore.

These things don't really seem major enough to warrant that. Is there more deep reasons behind it do you think? Are you just sick of him in general and these issues are the tip of the iceberg for you? If so, when did things start to change for you?
It just seems like these are easy things for you take let out your frustration.

But is there a magic way I should raise these things?

He's telling you loud and clear you shouldn't raise them at all.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life pussy footing around a manchild, simply to avoid rows and him sulking?

Because those are the two choices he's given you.

One tactic we used with DS when he was a teen is....

I am talking to you from the green zone, why are you shouting at me from the red zone.

Quite effective.

Also check if you're menopausal as the fuckwittery limits go down a lot. :-)

This is so true.