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Relationships

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Original poster

Marriage... please help me understand

21 replies

Overtime · 15/01/2022 09:46

I've never been married. I'm possibly being an arsehole here. I'm trying to work out how I feel and why. I think I want to feel differently to how I do now. So need to hear some others views and perspectives.

To me, marriage is forever. The ultimate commitment. Through thick and thin.
If it's not forever, what's the point.
My OH has been married and divorced. No worse or adultery. Just didn't work out.

From my perspective, my OH is not bothered about it being forever, because of the previous marriage and divorce. I think I know I'm an bad person for thinking like that.

For me, being married would bring security to a relationship. At the moment, I feel any argument could lead to a "right I've had enough" moment.

Guess this just means I'm very insecure

OP posts:

Ikeameatballs · 15/01/2022 09:49

Marriage brings a legally binding contract to a relationship. That may or may not bring you some financial security if your marriage were to end but that’s not the same as ensuring it won’t end.

litterbird · 15/01/2022 09:51

So what is it you want from OH or any relationship then? Even if you aren't married the relationship can break down. Marriage is a very outdated institution in my opinion. Are you still living in the Disney princess garbage that us as young girls were fed when young....you know, your prince will come and you will live happily ever after? You know that is just so much craziness right there. Why dont you reframe everything and look at your OH as someone who loved someone enough to commit to them. Tried his best to continue when it was rough. Realised it didn't work and had the strength and guts to stop the relationship to release both parties to find happiness elsewhere? I think your views on marriage are very outdated.

coldfeetmama · 15/01/2022 09:54

I think a lot of people who get married believe fully in that till death do us part forever better or worse sickness and health malarkey

However , the reality is that people grow apart , want different things , face life stresses, family dynamics , and often get bored

Marriage seems like such a throw away option with such a high divorce rate that it doesn't seem such a big deal anymore

If I considered marriage again , it would be with the mindset of let's be happy today , protecting myself and my children and just go with the flow

SmallElephant · 15/01/2022 09:56

“If it’s not forever, what’s the point.”

But why? Say you have a very happy marriage for many years but then it ends. Does that mean those years were pointless and it would have been better if they hadn’t happened?

My brother is going through an amicable divorce now. They’ve been married for 14 years and will both look back on it as a happy time.

Orgasmagorical · 15/01/2022 09:58

I think I know I'm an bad person for thinking like that.

Can you say a bit more about this?

MsWalterMitty · 15/01/2022 09:59

I believe that there are bigger commitments you can make such as buying a house or having children. Marriage is for legal purposes only.

MsWalterMitty · 15/01/2022 09:59

What I don’t understand if those who stay engaged for years

Pipplekins · 15/01/2022 10:02

I feel the same OP.
For me coming from a family where everyone was divorced and seeing/being part of the devestation, my DM has divorced several times. Grandparents etc.
I have married but I was 42 when that happened as I felt it was right, fingers crossed I've got it right as I'm now mid 50's and still married.

LadyLolaRuben · 15/01/2022 10:03

Marriage just adds a legality. Its the relationship regardless of it being legally acknowledged that matters. Marriage won't save a relationship or stop it falling apart as your DP has experienced

RememberToLookUp · 15/01/2022 10:03

For me, marriage is a legal contract that binds the partnership and gives some level of financial security to women and children in most circumstances.

Important if you have children. I wouldn’t necessarily have cared about being married if I’d remained childless.

It doesn’t stop people walking away from a relationship. Look at the divorce rate!

I don’t personally have any religious beliefs that add any more meaning to marriage, and I had a tiny wedding, so didn’t even care about ‘celebrating our union’ in front of family & friends. But others these aspects may be important.

RememberToLookUp · 15/01/2022 10:04

for others

Crumbs22 · 15/01/2022 10:10

I don't think it means you're very insecure OP although I do see why you think that. Could it be that you maybe have different values to him? Of course no one expects 2 people to agree on everything and have the same opinions but sharing values is a bit different to that and sometimes if you don't share the ones that are important to you or him, then it could mean there will always be conflict or frustration. Maybe the tricky part is deciding if this is a deal breaker for you. Does he know this is how to feel? I would talk together more about it in a calm way.

ThePlantsitter · 15/01/2022 10:16

For me, marriage is a package of law that means each person in the marriage is protected from financial ruin should it go tits up. The very fact modern marriage (and I say modern in the loosest sense) is set up like this shows it's not meant simply as a way of being together forever- it protects you if you split.

My personal feeling about marriage is that it's a promise to try to fix things if they start going wrong, not a promise to shackle yourself to misery because you said you would 20 years ago. People and circumstances change.

anon12345anon · 15/01/2022 10:22

@coldfeetmama

I think a lot of people who get married believe fully in that till death do us part forever better or worse sickness and health malarkey

However , the reality is that people grow apart , want different things , face life stresses, family dynamics , and often get bored

Marriage seems like such a throw away option with such a high divorce rate that it doesn't seem such a big deal anymore

If I considered marriage again , it would be with the mindset of let's be happy today , protecting myself and my children and just go with the flow

This ....

Branleuse · 15/01/2022 10:28

Marriage does not stop someone leaving you.
The through everything thick and thin part is not a requirement and its too much to ask of anyone. People arent belongings. Noone has to stay when a relationship is broken.

I think if youre with someone and you are feeling they might leave at any argument then dont marry him. If hes got one foot out the door now, then marriage wont fix that

layladomino · 15/01/2022 11:11

Any relationship can break down. When you marry, you are saying, publically and legally, that you intend to spend the rest of your days with that person. But that isn't a guarantee it will last forever. It means the intent is there. But things can change. And if you insist on marriage being forever then you are subjecting people to staying in an unhappy home, with someone who they have grown apart from or someone who has changed in to a different person to the one they married.

Sometimes, when someone says 'I've just had my 30th wedding anniversary' people clap or say 'how lovely'. I kind of get that, but a part of me feels very strongly that you should aim for a happy, healthy, supportive marriage rather than a long one.

A long, happy, healthy marriage is the best of all. But a long marriage, of itself, is not an achievement. Not if one or both people are miserable, or not achiveing what they wanted in life.

Would you want to be married to someone who you know will stay with you, forever, to their dying breath, even if they aren't happy and don't love you anymore?

Or with someone who faces reality and is honest about their feelings, and knows when to say 'this isn't working'.

Brakken · 15/01/2022 13:49

@Overtime People always talk about high divorce rates but the rates of cohabiting relationships breaking down are much higher. The problem isn't the institution of marriage, the problem is the people who are entering these marriages.

Just because a bunch of strangers unconnected to you and who made bad choices of partner etc, get divorced, it doesn't mean you will. You have to remember that due to how society has become, the basic elements of successful marriage have gone into free fall, so naturally that's reflected in divorce rates. If you have the basic elements right, there's every reason for a marriage to thrive.

Take fidelity as just one example...the numbers of men using pornography (an activity based on degrading women to the status of mere objects for male pleasure) and numbers of women willfully accepting this as a normal male hobby now. No surprise that so many men are physically or emotionally unfaithful and the other problems it brings in a marriage e.g. seeing their wives as appliances that serve them and checking out of the relationship when she's not providing exactly what he wants.

I know many people in happy marriages and those who've lived out their marriages happily (with the natural up and downs) and never divorced. The key is to choose the right person and to also be a person yourself who can have a healthy marriage. I would never marry someone who didn't see marriage as permanent. It means they don't actually believe in the concept of marriage
. Huge red flag.

WallaceinAnderland · 15/01/2022 13:56

Marriage does not have to be together but it does given legal rights and protections for as long as it lasts.

WallaceinAnderland · 15/01/2022 13:57

*together forever

pointythings · 15/01/2022 14:45

I think most people don't go into marriage with a lackadaisical throwaway attitude - it's a major commitment. There's a balance to be had between committing to forever no matter what and walking away too quickly. I certainly meant my marriage to be forever, but life happened and the man I married changed beyond recognition into someone I could not stay with, someone I had to protect my DC from. At that point, walking away was the only rational thing to do.

girlmom21 · 15/01/2022 14:47

Surely marriage with him won't give you that security - if you think vows don't mean much to him?

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