Sister

[SiSiSienna]

I have an awful sister. I've written about her on here many times and been given great advice.

She has been physically and verbally aggressive to me and various other family members. She has gaslighted me and told people behind my back that I have mental health problems (which I don't happen to - She means it as an insult or as a way of discrediting what I say). I don't talk about her anymore. If she tries to invite herself to see me, I say a firm no.

She has a boyfriend who also sounds like a nasty piece of work. Together, they have gone out of their way to make the life of his exwife more difficult. My sister has never met her but calls her a cunt. The reason they divorced is that he was caught out using sex workers, so clearly not his ex's fault. His whole family have disowned him. They are all (you guessed it) also "cunts".

She is now saying that she and boyfriend want to move to our area of the country. I know I can't stop them, but honestly, what is keeping me sane with all of their antics is that they live halfway across the country. These aren't aren't real places but it's the same as me living in Birmingham, them living in Devon and them saying they suddenly have a strong urge to move to a major city in the west Midlands.

Can anyone help me come up with a plan? I know they are free to move wherever they like, but I'm definitely annoyed that anywhere they like has ended up right where we live. I'd honestly move if it was just me, but we have children at primary school

And the reason you’re keeping in touch with her is what?

If you have written about her several times and got great advice just follow it.

Personally I don’t keep nasty people in my life as I have enough to deal with and have no time or energy for their antics.
If somebody doesn’t bring anything positive into your life then it’s your decision if you want to keep in touch or not.
You can’t change people’s behaviour but you can change the way you react to it.

Why are you still in contact with her?

You don't have to see them more just because they live near you. Keep doing what you're currently doing (in fact go further LC if you want).

Go down to no contact if you feel that suits you. Just because she's your sister doesn't mean you need to have contact with her if she's causing you upset/making you anxious.

Honestly, she's a bit of a lost soul, but so aggressive and loves creating drama. Keeping a polite distance is less drama than doing a full on cut out. I have been reducing contact with her and now only speak to her on the phone once in a while, although she phones me once a day minimum.

Other than her bf she doesn't really have anyone. I have been in that position too though and I didn't harass my siblings or move to their town!

She is trying to be less unpleasant. I can tell she is making that effort. But she can't undo what she's done and she's only playing at being a nice person now that her bf's divorce is final (and he got a lot of money out of his ex who is a higher earner which my sister and he celebrated ). Now that's all over, she is doing this whole weird act where she cries outside butchers shops because she's just SO. KIND. It's creepy as hell, but not the worst thing she's ever done tbf. But I really, really want to keep my distance from her. If she moves here, how can I do that? She is so bullish and deliberately obtuse that she'd just turn up here for a cup of tea every other day 😩

BTW she's an extremely educated and very high earning professional. When I say lost soul, I don't mean she is floating about, doing nothing. She will at some point soon be earning more than my entire household on her own. Good for her. Take that money and live somewhere else please.

Just wait. She hasn't moved yet. "Birmingham" is a big place and the chances of her finding a place she likes close enough to you to be a nuisance are small.
My motto is not to worry about things that haven't happened yet, but do deal with them when they do. Quite often the thing never actually happens, or isn't as bad as I'd though it would be.

Thank you @Justkeeppedaling. That's exactly what I needed to hear (read)

Need to calm the fuck down.

My plan was the gradual phase out until it was the sort of relationship where we could be civil at family funerals and no more. I'm going to continue with that plan, wherever she lives.

Does she cry outside butchers shops because she's sad about the animals? Does she know where you live?

Yes, she has recently gone sort of vegan and it is because of the animals she gets teary eyed when she sees any sort of animal butchery. She has an extremely broad vicious streak, so this level of sensitivity is surprising to me.

Yes, she knows where we live unfortunately

Tell her you're moving and just never tell her where.

I am seriously considering doing that. We do want to move, maybe this year or next year.

The thing is, our dad would tell her tbh. He'd play the bumbling innocent and be all "what? I can't think why you wouldn't want her to know"! She was utterly vile to him, but he just chooses to act as if it's fine. Unhelpful really. We barely see him either though, so not a massive issue

My pleasure ❤️

Don't tell him either

ladyg, that's an option! Probably won't use it though