Does he need time or am i being manipulated?

[LilyGoLightly]

I’ve posted a few times and really grateful for the support so here goes again…

I’ve filed for divorce from my husband who has been emotionally abusive.

After I did so I got the silent treatment, not even acknowledging my presence in the room when the kids were there for a couple of months.

Now he is talking to me again. Mainly practical things about the kids, but some small talk. I asked if he wants to talk about what has been going on and if there is a way forward but he said no and that I need to respect he doesn’t want to talk to me.

(By the way, i’ve never told him I think he is abusive and in fact he has said I am abusive)

The ball is in his court with the divorce. He has acknowledged service and should have responded about finances but hasn’t.

I don’t know if this is because there might be hope for sorting things out and I should give him some time and he might talk. Or am I being manipulated? Does he basically want things back to normal without having to address his behaviour?

It’s so hard because its all really subtle. There’s no saying sorry, telling me he loved me etc so its not like the ‘hoovering’ i’ve read about, so i just don’t know what’s going on.

Any support appreciated.

What do you want to talk him about, it isn’t clear in the post.

At the end of day he doesn’t need to talk to you directly. And you shouldn’t approach him to talk if he has claimed you abused him. He could use that against you as an example of you harassing him or use it to undermine your claims about him.

Follow up the issue about the financial disclosure through your legal intermediary and not directly. There is no point in trying to second guess his motives and behaviours. There are checks and balances in the legal process that can used to compel him to move forward.

It will take longer and cost more than if you were amicable but they are what you will need to default to where there is abuse.

I get a sense that you’re potentially open to talking in view of some sort of reconciliation perhaps?? Unless there’s some acknowledgment on his part in his role in the dynamic of your marriage breakdown then really what has changed? Be very careful. You’re emotionally very vulnerable right now. You might not feel it but you likely will be. If there’s hope in your part that there could be some discussion and reflection with him about what went wrong then perhaps you shouldn’t be pursuing a divorce just yet. From what you’ve written though he continues to use vagueness and silence to leave you in the dark, which is a way of trying to control a situation. Aren’t you exhausted by this kind of bullsh*t? Only if he was taking some responsibility would I be willing to listen.

IMO he is trying to work things back to normal with the small talk, ignoring the elephant in the room etc, so you will get back into your box. My advice is, don't get back into that box. You can see what he is; why would sorting things out help? He'll still be the same person.

I reckon if you don't start begging and apologising soon (as I would guess you did for years before realising it wasn't actually your fault - it's what I did anyway), if the silent treatment followed by the fake normal doesn't seem to be working, it'll be time for the next part of his personal cycle, probably the sad desperate act, or maybe it'll be anger next... whatever used to work to get you feeling like it was your job to put things right. Who knows whether he's even capable of behaving differently?

Meanwhile, keep going with the paperwork. There's no need to discuss that. That's what solicitors are paid for. That was one of the hardest lessons for me: disengaging. It was no longer my responsibility to smooth things over, sort things out, provide all the answers. It was scary but also... liberating.

Silent treatment IS emotional abuse. My ex used to say he wanted to get back together then would write one line impersonal answers to anything I said and only occasionally say “Hi, How r u?”. When he got snippy at me for daring to ask him how he was then told me to fuck off, I took the hint and went. It’s better to bite the bullet than to hang on for the crumbs of affection he decides to throw you. You deserve better.

If he wanted to get the marriage back on track and to work on it, then he would be saying that. Not engaging at all is not the sign of someone who wants to work at their marriage. I suspect he wants to ignore the divorce papers, punish you for serving them, pretend it didn't happen and go back to how things were before. As that suited him.

Your husband has been emptionally abusice. He is doing the same now, to get what he wants.

Please push forward and don't keep trying to engage him in conversation. Just show that you aren't backing down. If you do, he will continue being abusive as much as always, in fact worse - as you will have shown him that he can treat you like rubbish and you won't ever leave.

Best of luck.

Don't talk to him.

I'm at a stage in my life if someone wants something from they can just ask me, if they don't I'm not going to go around trying to read their minds. I know that's easier said than done when abusers purposefully have you playing their games but ignore him, you're unhappy, you're leaving. Everything else is just noise. You clearly got to a point of no return.

If he's playing mind games, which he is, I would be inclined to let him get on with it and mentally think jog on with your emotional abuse. I certainly wouldn't be trying to get him to talk and chasing him.

Sorry but what do you want him to do?

You've taken steps to end the marriage. I'm not sure what reaction you'd expect? If he was wanting to talk about it or close things up, that would imply he was happy for the divorce.

As another poster suggested, it's sounds like you don't want this or want him to change his behaviour and try again. Perhaps tell him, ask about couples therapy, let him know there is still something he can do to stop it. If you're firm this is what you want, accept that he has chosen to have limited communication or at least is now passing the time of day with you, but living together in these circumstances is not going to be easy for either of you

This may not be your circumstances, but he may be delaying completing the financial disclosure because he syphoning off money or has hidden assets? In England you need to disclose 12 months of financial statements, so if he delays, secret transactions could be out of that period. Once the divorce process commences he may appear friendly but is he to be trusted? He could be working to his own agenda. He won't be telling you, will he.
I hope this isn't too cynical but my STBX is also giving me silent treatment, did even say one bloody word to me on my birthday! He's the one initiating the separation though no doubt it will be me who starts the divorce. I don't trust him for one second. I've taken legal and financial advice, I've separated our finances, I'm getting my financial records in order. I'm becoming an independent person.
Good luck to you OP.