Visiting Parents and Staying in Hotel

[Mercurial123]

I'm very low contact with my parents who are dysfunctional and manipulative. My mum plays the martyr. One of the good things about Covid is I haven't seen them for over 2 years as I'm living overseas.

I booked a cottage for us to stay during my visit so I didn't have to stay at their house, it's miserable. My mum was looking forward to it. My dad's alzheimer's has got worse and she told me it's not going to happen. They no longer go out and I'd be stuck in the house with them.

I've booked myself into a hotel so I can see them during the day but in the evening to catch up with friends. My mum is insulted I think it's a good compromise. Am I being unreasonable?

Not at all. That’s how we do family visits at Christmas. Enjoy the get together and then retreat into our own private space where we can relax. Less hassle for the hosts, no bathroom queues or jostling in the kitchen. Try and reframe it for your mum as a positive for her and she won’t have to sort out a room for you etc. and you’ll no longer revert back to your childhood role.

* my parents who are dysfunctional and manipulative. My mum plays the martyr.*

Why on earth do you even care what they think?
Why are you even visiting them?

Your mum will be insulted and she insurance unreasonable to feel that way.

You are also entirely reasonable to want to stay in a hotel

I told my DH last time we stayed at his mother's I would never do it again. And I won't. This was 18 months ago as we used to visit every 2 months or so. He has, to date, arranged to such that she comes here or only he goes up there.

Do you think she was looking forward to having some help in the evenings? I think your plan is a good idea by the way but I’m just wondering if she is feeling disappointed.

You mention 'us', so you don't just have yourself to think of. Can you tactfully remind your dm of this?

I bet whatever you do they'll find fault so just do what suits you and don't feel guilty about it.

Good decision, stick with it!

Of course she's insulted. It's not all about her.

Thanks for your responses.

I don't know why but I seem to have some obligation to see them. My brother died young and my mum said she would die if she didn't see me, which is manipulative as she was such a crap parent. I'm lucky that pre covid it was once a year for a week. They are the kind of people that shouldn't be parents. My mother actually thinks she's done a good job bringing me up.

My dad is a functioning alcoholic and with Alzheimer's he's not pleasant to be around. She doesn't need help in the evening. I've told her I'd look after him during the day while she goes out. She's old school and refuses to let a carer in the house, but yet complains she never has time alone. She has a carer's allowance and has money to pay for one.

I will stick with my decision to stay in a hotel. Thanks for the support.

Hotel is a great idea
You spend time with your family
Then you can "escape" to spend time doing other things
I do the same

Nothing to feel guilty about

Nobody can control your time or freedom