Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you fell out of love with DH, did you ever fall back in love?

11 replies

Samiamnot · 14/01/2022 21:48

As title suggests, I've slowly come to realise that I'm no longer in love with my DH. I care for him very much but I'm not in love with him and no longer want to be intimate with him. We are both in our 30s with young children under 5.

Has anyone been here and been able to fall in love with their partner again after falling out of love (no infidelity)?

OP posts:
SmokedGlass · 14/01/2022 21:58

In a word, no

Iamanicepersonreally · 14/01/2022 22:00

I have. I didn't think it would happen and it took me by surprise when it did

Notsuchaniceguy · 14/01/2022 22:06

Did you ever love him or have you realised that you never really did? In the latter case I doubt you can find what was never there. In the former, maybe. Might take a lot of work though- on both sides - and a lot of really honest communication. I wish you luck

Inastatus · 14/01/2022 22:16

Are you sure you don’t love him any more? It could just be a shift in your relationship after becoming parents - young children, less time for each other, lack of time for intimacy, being knackered etc. All completely normal. Are you able to take any time out to spend with each other to reconnect as a couple, not just as parents?

Original poster
Samiamnot · 15/01/2022 07:14

@Iamanicepersonreally

I have. I didn't think it would happen and it took me by surprise when it did
Thanks for replying - do you mind me asking how you managed it?
OP posts:
Original poster
Samiamnot · 15/01/2022 07:16

@Inastatus

Are you sure you don’t love him any more? It could just be a shift in your relationship after becoming parents - young children, less time for each other, lack of time for intimacy, being knackered etc. All completely normal. Are you able to take any time out to spend with each other to reconnect as a couple, not just as parents?
We've both agreed that we do need to actively make more time for each other without children. I think that will help but I just don't see myself falling in love with him or wanting to sleep with him again.
OP posts:
Original poster
Samiamnot · 15/01/2022 07:18

@Notsuchaniceguy

Did you ever love him or have you realised that you never really did? In the latter case I doubt you can find what was never there. In the former, maybe. Might take a lot of work though- on both sides - and a lot of really honest communication. I wish you luck
That's really tricky. I met him when I was young and my own parents had modelled such bad relationships I was so desperate to get out of my family. I settled down with this man when I was early 20s. When I am in a negative mindset it v easy to think I never loved him
OP posts:
eebok · 15/01/2022 07:27

In the past, I've found that making myself have sex has made me want it more, and in turn made me more attracted to DH. (Not in a nonconsensual way or when I really don't want to, more of a "I'm not in the mood but will fake it till I make it" way!)

But I think with young children what you're going through is pretty normal. It's probably harder to make yourself get in the mood when you're shattered and "touched out".

notyouagainn · 15/01/2022 07:48

I've felt less close to my oh usually if we have been in a spat of rows or if he's irritating me. I've had maybe a few months where I've questioned our relationship during those times but then usually something happens that makes me feel close to him and I realise I am still in love with him I just don't always like him.

noirchatsdeux · 15/01/2022 08:58

@Samiamnot I also married young - I had just turned 21 - to get away from my parents, who had basically stayed together in a bad marriage 'for the children'. I married my first 'proper' boyfriend...it was a massive mistake. I really knew beforehand that I didn't love him as I should, but convinced myself it would be okay...I ended up leaving him after 2 and a half years of marriage. No children, which made it a lot easier, of course.

In my personal experience, once the love has gone, whether or not it was actually there in the first place, it doesn't come back.

LilyWater · 15/01/2022 14:17

@Samiamnot but you've not even tried to make more time for each other yet you're saying you don't think it'll work. Confused Why on earth get married and bring innocent children into this if you're going to give up so easily and break up their home and marriage? You've got young kids youve both chosen to create and be responsible for, whose lives and happiness will drastically change if you were to divorce.

Are you sure you don't have postpartum depression which could be clouding your feelings even more? As others have said, feeling less connected with partner is very normal when kids are little because spending less time together has a knock on effect but it will pass as kids are not little forever . If everyone gave up at any rough patch no one would ever stay married and would miss out on happier times to come. You both need to actually make an effort and prioritise the relationship practically, including seeking childcare so you can spend more time together and building intimacy again Flowers

New posts on this thread. Refresh page