Family 'favourites'

[rainydogday]

DH and I both joke about our siblings being our parents favourite child. DH Sister has two kids and DH parents do all the childcare and have their dog everyday so she is not left on her own. All they talk about is these kids. They wouldn't come to ours Christmas Day because they need to see the sisters kids at Christmas. We all live locally. They have a spare bedroom with her kids name plaques on the door. My daughter asked why nanny has a key ring of the other grandchildren and not them. We have kids too but they are happy to see them on Boxing Day or an alternative. We don't mind really and usually laugh about it on our own. I have a sister who is a single parent (and has made some really bad choices along the way with men and money). We get on really well and try to help each other out. My parents completely smoother her child and look after him overnight at least once or twice a week whilst she works. He can do no wrong even though he is a bit of a handful. Mine are very sporty one at a high level. They make a conscious effort never to talk about or acknowledge this and declined to come and watch when DS has asked. I guess so the other grandchild doesn't feel left out. My parents are very generous financially and have always said they would treat us equally as they weren't when they were growing up. The trouble
Is finically they have and we are very grateful, however I wish they treated our families equally in care and affection. They look after our dog for the occasional weekend break and say they love doing it and enjoy him being there. Tonight I asked if they would have him in August so we could go abroad. They just said no. Which I said no worries and we will sort something else. I haven't spoken to anyone else as it feels so silly but it really hurts. They don't go away in the school
Holidays and they are both retired and love walking. The dog is extremely easy. But not a good breed to go into kernels. We used to use a dog Walker who he has boarded with, but she has stopped. I know I shouldn't have presumed. Yet I know they will bend over backwards to have the other grandson as much as possible over the holidays. Just needed to off load..... I will sit tight and try to work out what to do. DH said he will ask his parents but will probably say no as they look after the other grandkids in the holidays too!

Imo feel smug in their dotage they have The Golden Ones lined up to wipe their bums..
Also imo you need to ask them to explain to your dc why they are second class dgc.
Or back away and take your dc with you.

Maybe they would find it difficult to cope with the dog plus childcare? As going abroad is different then going away for a weekend and you've mentioned the grandchild is a lot to handle. If they also are generous financially they may assume you can afford putting the dog in a kennel or your DPs parents or friends could help.

Are both sisters single parents? If so I would imagine both sets of parents quite reasonably feel that the other grandchildren/siblings need more support than a 2 parent family.

What I do NOT agree with is the plaques on the doors or missing your children's achievements no matter what the reasoning is. Have you spoken to them about this? I would find this part very hurtful and would feel awful for my children. Perhaps they haven't realised this so a wee conversation will hopefully sort that part out.

Apologies if I'm repeating what anyone else has said, I started typing then had a phone call so not refreshed the page!

Also, re. the keyring...have you given them a keyring? Normally the parents gift photo keyrings after nursery/school photos or mothers day etc.

I'd be very, very tempted to say, My daughter asked why nanny has a key ring of the other grandchildren and not them. She's also wondering why the other grandchildren have their name on the bedroom doors. What would you like me to say to her?

Then look at MIL wide eyed and wait for the response..

I have been there. I was one of 6, and my children had loving parents (as did most of my siblings) but one did not, and my parents gave most of their time ( and a lot of their money) to her and her children.

Now my head said that was fair, after all my children had love, attention and a comfortable life. But my heart was different, because 'it wasn't fair!"

This is so difficult for you,t ake a breath and realise that your children have a better life with you, although their relationship with their grandparents is not as good as you or your children would like. One thing I did was to invite grandparents to my house, so they could spend some quality time with them.

Now my children are adults, and they probably have a 'good' relationship with my mum, my dad died 19 years ago. The 'favoured' grandsons don't see her much, if at all.

However, and here's the rub, it is rumoured that she has left her house to these grandsons. I don't know if this is true or not. We shall see. Although the house may well have to pay for my mum's care anyway

@ThistlesAndUnicorns

Maybe they would find it difficult to cope with the dog plus childcare? As going abroad is different then going away for a weekend and you've mentioned the grandchild is a lot to handle. If they also are generous financially they may assume you can afford putting the dog in a kennel or your DPs parents or friends could help.

Are both sisters single parents? If so I would imagine both sets of parents quite reasonably feel that the other grandchildren/siblings need more support than a 2 parent family.

What I do NOT agree with is the plaques on the doors or missing your children's achievements no matter what the reasoning is. Have you spoken to them about this? I would find this part very hurtful and would feel awful for my children. Perhaps they haven't realised this so a wee conversation will hopefully sort that part out.

Apologies if I'm repeating what anyone else has said, I started typing then had a phone call so not refreshed the page!

They have had the grandson before with the dog. I seriously think they are just in a grumpy mood and said no without even a thought. They can be like that. They know he can't go in kennels but not sure I told them the dog boarder couldn't have him. Mind you they offered the last few times so I wrongly assumed it would be ok. I did bring up why they didn't want to watch DS and they said 'oh no that's not our thing'. Sad really as DS was very proud of a certain achievement. My Sister has even noticed they gloss over her DS naughty behaviour but will pull mine up. Mine are a couple of years older and have asked not to go when the other grandchild is there in the holidays as they always get in trouble, even though it's not always their fault. (I don't get too involved as sure mine can be a pain too)! They are old enough to stay at home now if we have to work in holidays. Sure it will all blow over. I have made mental notes how not to behave when I have grandchildren

@ThistlesAndUnicorns

Also, re. the keyring...have you given them a keyring? Normally the parents gift photo keyrings after nursery/school photos or mothers day etc.

That is true. We did buy them a nice picture of them in a frame as there lounge is like a weird shrine to the other kids.

If my MIL reads this, she’s going to think it’s me!

@TimeToLose8

I have been there. I was one of 6, and my children had loving parents (as did most of my siblings) but one did not, and my parents gave most of their time ( and a lot of their money) to her and her children.

Now my head said that was fair, after all my children had love, attention and a comfortable life. But my heart was different, because 'it wasn't fair!"

This is so difficult for you,t ake a breath and realise that your children have a better life with you, although their relationship with their grandparents is not as good as you or your children would like. One thing I did was to invite grandparents to my house, so they could spend some quality time with them.

Now my children are adults, and they probably have a 'good' relationship with my mum, my dad died 19 years ago. The 'favoured' grandsons don't see her much, if at all.

However, and here's the rub, it is rumoured that she has left her house to these grandsons. I don't know if this is true or not. We shall see. Although the house may well have to pay for my mum's care anyway

Gosh this is so true. I love my Dsis very much and happy that she has a great family around her to help. I know she feels it is a bit strange the way our parents treat the kids. I feel that I am punished for making good decisions in life whilst she has made poor ones. She gets all the praise. I feel like a child, it's so draft!

I did bring up why they didn't want to watch DS and they said 'oh no that's not our thing' I cannot stand people who do this, whether it's grandparents or another family member. It doesn't matter if it's 'not their thing' - it's their grandchild's thing!

Have you spoken to them about how your DC feel? Doesn't have to be confrontational, could be along the lines of 'I know you wouldn't have meant to, but DC were a bit upset you weren't able to make x,y,z (or whatever you want to raise). Understand that x and y need more support so no problem there, just want you to know how important you are to DC and it would mean a lot'.

At Christmas could you maybe all get together? Even if it's not every year.

I'm not sticking up for them at all, they may have simply not thought anyone is that bothered about how things are currently if it's not been said outright x