One last chance at marriage

[Onelastgo22]

Dh and I seperated last year, initiated by me due to some pretty poor behaviour on his part.
Things have been up and down since. He has said he doesn't want us to divorce and I am finding it all difficult to come to terms with.
He moved into temporary accommodation when we seperated but is due to move into somewhere more permanent soon
The thought of this move is really upsetting me.
I miss the good times and I the thought of him moving on with someone else absolutely breaks me.
There are alot of reasons why I suggested separation and I'm not sure I can move past some of them, but if my feelings are so strong, should I be more open to trying again?

Have you had any counselling? What is DH saying about the behaviour, is he addressing the causes of it/is remorseful?

It may be that your feelings about him moving on are more connected to losing the life you thought you were going to have, rather than your feelings for him - but it seems worth exploring in counselling to see if you can both find a way back to a relationship you can be happy with.

Thanks for the response.
We had couples counselling but he wasn't engaged and it proved pointless.
I have been having counselling on my own since before we seperated.
I am finding it useful but I really struggle to reconcile the love I have for him with the way he treats me.
I don't want him to be with anyone else, I want him to be with me, but actually want to be the family man and husband that he should be.

Its hopeless. There are issues you cant move past and he wont engage in a discussion. Doesnt mean it's not hard though. Thats why you feel terrible.

@Onelastgo22

Thanks for the response. We had couples counselling but he wasn't engaged and it proved pointless. I have been having counselling on my own since before we seperated. I am finding it useful but I really struggle to reconcile the love I have for him with the way he treats me. I don't want him to be with anyone else, I want him to be with me, but actually want to be the family man and husband that he should be.

You are struggling to let go of the fantasy of marriage that you had - not the reality, or the man himself. He wasn't 'engaged' in counselling. He doesn't care enough to try to improve the relationship. He treats you poorly, but you don't want to let him go.

He won't ever be the family man and husband you think he should be. That person doesn't exist. You can't make someone into what you want them to be, unfortunately. I don't think there is any way back from this, because you want him to be a person he isn't. And he will not change or magically morph into this person he's not.

You're right. I don't want to let go of my marriage and my family unit.
I don't want to be with anyone else.

I just want to be enough for him to do better 😥

@Onelastgo22

You're right. I don't want to let go of my marriage and my family unit. I don't want to be with anyone else. I just want to be enough for him to do better 😥

Your last sentence is so sad. The way he is has nothing to do with your 'worth'. I would suggest you have some individual therapy to improve your self esteem, though I would imagine of you do split properly this would improve anyway.

I remember feeling like this about my eldest DS father. Every new relationship he had hurt me because I felt he was making the effort for them. After his 3rd or 4th relationship failed the penny dropped, that it was indeed him. 30 years on and he is still a loser.

@Onelastgo22

You're right. I don't want to let go of my marriage and my family unit. I don't want to be with anyone else. I just want to be enough for him to do better 😥

It's difficult, and I am in exactly the same position, so I know what you're going through. Counselling on my own is helping.

He doesn’t want to do better to be enough for you though. You deserve to go through life with someone who wants to please you and who would do everything to fix it when things go wrong.

You're blaming yourself for his behaviour. He is responsible for how he behaves. Just because he's not willing to acknowledge that responsibility doesn't make it yours.

You can't have the marriage you want because he is choosing not to do his part to achieve it. It isn't what he wants.

He isn't the version of him you fell for. He's shown that to you, enough that you took the very difficult step of separating from him. Why would you go back if nothing's changed? In fact, he's proved he isn't that bothered by doing nothing to make the necessary changes to get back with you.

I understand it's hard, but remind yourself that you're missing a version of him that doesn't exist. I think you would regret going back to him. Not only would you have more of the same bad behaviour, but probably worse as you would be sending the message that even when you threaten to leave you dont' really mean it, and he can treat you as he likes.

It's normal to feel sad at moving on. Allow yourself to feel it. But that doesn't mean you'd somehow be happier if you had him back.

Thanks everyone.

I know you're all right.
We spend a fair amount of time together still. Maybe this will lessen when he has his own space.
He can be really lovely, but it wasn't like that at all towards the end.
He says he wants us to work things out, which to some extent I do believe, but he can just be so, so selfish.
I just want him to want to be here, for me, not for the home comforts I offer. I want him to be an equal parent and to consider me an equal partner. To be kind and to make an effort, contribute to building a better life for all of us, not just meeting his own needs and leaving me to pick up everything else. Is that really asking to much?