Advice sought for a male friend and his female girlfriend

[ConcernedFriend24]

NC-ed for obvious reasons but a long-time intermittent MumsNet user. I'm also going to be purposefully vague about a few things purposefully and keep it very simple.

An older (male) friend of mine started dating someone last year, he and she fell totally in love. Were a few red flags I believe but largely ignored. Over the last few months though she has gone absolutely beserk with him after too many drinks. Lashing out, calling him names, acting in a way that almost feels as if she has gone in to a psychosis. Behaving irrationally in a manner that almost warranted a call to the police as was endangering her own and others' lives (drink driving in an agitated state (yes I know the dd is bad enough)).
My friend is very calm, gentle (have known him for many many years). He is totally in shock and doesn't know what to do.
I've seen this behaviour before from someone I know who was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder; the love you / hate you yo-yo.
There was a final alarming incident recently where she really lost it. My friend decided he couldn't go on, but with her, but she has come back with promises of seeing lots of medical professionals and he starting to come around to the idea that there might be a happy ever after.
I am a strong believer in giving someone a few chances, but when it comes to abuse (of any sort, which it is and he's agreed it is) personally I wouldn't give it another chance. If this was the other way around, there would be a lot of LTBs right? There's certainly a lot of DARVO deny (she pretends the next day she can't remember what she'd done), attack (torrent of verbal abuse), reverse victim (some of which is understandable) behaviour.
I just can't say anything to him anymore because I would just be very blunt and would say 'run, run fast' and I don't want to alienate him.

Is this a relationship that could be fixed? Does anyone know of any other couples who've been in this situation and managed to sort things out?

(And is this post in the right place, I'm usually on the school boards.

I don't know why I wrote 'female girlfriend'! Ignore :-)

I’d tell him to run for the hills, never look back.
Her behaviour sounds very reminiscent of my alcoholic ex h. Which got worse and worse.

I don;t have any experience, but from everything I have read, he shoudl run for the hills.

Personally I woudl sit down with him, and tell him that. Tell him you value him enough to tell him the truth even if that risks your friendship, as you don't wnat to see him get hurt.

reassure him that you will always be there for support.
Then you have to leave it with him and just be there for support.

@Suzanne999 According to her, though, she isn't an alcoholic (she has made various calls this week to professionals apparently). He believes her (I predicted everything she would say but he might have forgotten that..). So many holes in everything she says to him, though, as in she miraculously got an appointment with a counsellor via her GP within 4 days (it's weeks and weeks at the moment isn't it?, she said she was surprised). I questioned it, he did of her, all of a sudden it came to light that it was a cancellation.

It was great seeing him so happy and I WISH this could be fixed, but I just don't think it can, and I don't want him to be someone's punching bag.

There's no textbook definition of an alcoholic, no one can tell her if she is or isn't over the phone.
If alcohol is causing issues like this it's likely she is.

No, this can't be sorted out within the relationship, as its not a relationship problem. The GF has got issues which she needs to address's for herself, including problem drinking and erratic behaviour. The relationship can't change these things for her, she needs to do it for herself, and the BF just needs to work out whether or not to stick around while she does so, and how he could stay safe and mentally healthy if he does.

[quote ConcernedFriend24]@Suzanne999 According to her, though, she isn't an alcoholic (she has made various calls this week to professionals apparently). He believes her (I predicted everything she would say but he might have forgotten that..). So many holes in everything she says to him, though, as in she miraculously got an appointment with a counsellor via her GP within 4 days (it's weeks and weeks at the moment isn't it?, she said she was surprised). I questioned it, he did of her, all of a sudden it came to light that it was a cancellation.

It was great seeing him so happy and I WISH this could be fixed, but I just don't think it can, and I don't want him to be someone's punching bag.[/quote]
All sounds familiar.
No, I’m not an alcoholic, I just like a drink. I could stop ( but he didn’t, except for one day)
He lied —- to me, his boss, his parents.
Would agree not to drink too much on a night out with me, then have alcohol stashed under the car seat as apparently the drive home ( me driving, not him) didn’t count……
They will bend anything, any discussion, any point, to suit themselves.

I hope she gets help and manages to help herself to sobriety and happiness….but I wouldn’t count on it.

Thanks all. I think since he last saw her (yesterday) he is now veering on the side of taking her back. I will say my piece the next time he asks, which will be inline with what you've all said. So sad. If the sexes were reversed I'd be worried about physical violence and so should leave immediately but would tell him oh so clearly that he should leave, but he's a strong 6 foot bloke. The verbal abuse will happen again I think though.

@Sparklyboots

No, this can't be sorted out within the relationship, as its not a relationship problem. The GF has got issues which she needs to address's for herself, including problem drinking and erratic behaviour. The relationship can't change these things for her, she needs to do it for herself, and the BF just needs to work out whether or not to stick around while she does so, and how he could stay safe and mentally healthy if he does.

so much sense in this post.

It might be helpful to use this with him, then it is less about him and her and more about how much he is prepared to give.

I am an alcoholic, my sister has diagnosed borderline personality disorder, I think your friend’s girlfriend’s behaviour sounds like that of an alcoholic. Alcoholics are not all the same.

Can the relationship be fixed? This is a non starter if she is not at the point where she can admit that she has an alcohol problem. He is maybe also in a type of denial right now.

I think your friend should get out. I think that it is ok for you to tell him this, but take care as it could backfire on you. Ultimately he will need to come out of the his own denial and realise this for himself.