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Original poster

Is it unrealistic to expect people to be faithful

26 replies

Sportslady44 · 14/01/2022 17:33

We know affairs cost so much trouble and upset etc but realistically are we programmed to only be attracted to our partner.

How easy is it to stay faithful when opportunities arise. Would it all be easier if we were in open marriages etc.

Just thoughts.

OP posts:

Closetbeanmuncher · 14/01/2022 17:39

Nobody said you can't be attracted to more than one human. Staying faithful is about impulse control (or lack of).

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/01/2022 17:41

It’s nothing to do with attraction. You can appreciate someone other than your spouse without shagging them. No one has to be married. Or in a committed relationship. If you choose to be then it’s good to sign up to what that means - no shagging other people.

Clarissa76 · 14/01/2022 17:41

An open marriage is my idea of hell. Be attracted to whoever you like but don't act on it if you're in a monogamous relationship. If you're not able to sign up to that, don't make the commitment.

(That's a general "you", not aimed at the OP.)

Original poster

Sportslady44 · 14/01/2022 18:01

But isn't it unrealistic for a young couple say to get married young and spend their whole lives just sleeping with one another.

OP posts:

wishfuldreamer · 14/01/2022 18:05

Attraction is one thing. It’s what you do about it. Even in non-monogamous relationships you can’t say yes to everything - you have to make choices. If you have (say) two stable partners and you meet someone else you’re attracted to, that has implications for your other relationships. The time you have, in particular.

Non-monogamy, and polyamory in particular, allows for this change in a way that is maybe easier than monogamy, but it doesn’t mean you aren’t making choices.

This is true in monogamy. You choose to stay with that person - and if you don’t, you have to weigh what you gain against what you might lose.

Nesbo · 14/01/2022 18:05

Couples are free to agree whatever they want, but if one partner expects monogamy and that is what the other promised, then it is pretty straightforward - you don’t get to unilaterally change that without destroying the basis of the relationship.

miltonj · 14/01/2022 18:06

@Sportslady44

But isn't it unrealistic for a young couple say to get married young and spend their whole lives just sleeping with one another.

It depends who you are. It's not unrealistic for me. But for many people it is. Or perhaps they just married the wrong person and should have waited until they were older to marry.

Useresque · 14/01/2022 18:08

@Sportslady44

But isn't it unrealistic for a young couple say to get married young and spend their whole lives just sleeping with one another.

No. It's not 'unrealistic'. It's a contract, part of which is to remain monogamous ('forsaking all others' bit).

If a person doesn't think they will be able to keep to the contract, nobody is forcing them to get married.

GooodMythicalMorning · 14/01/2022 18:10

It's not unrealistic, you can fancy someone but remain faithful. People choose to be unfaithful. I could only be with one person.

RandomMess · 14/01/2022 18:12

Many affairs happen because one person has checked out not just because one person fancies someone else IMHO

Branleuse · 14/01/2022 18:14

@Sportslady44

We know affairs cost so much trouble and upset etc but realistically are we programmed to only be attracted to our partner.

How easy is it to stay faithful when opportunities arise. Would it all be easier if we were in open marriages etc.

Just thoughts.

I really think this is different for everyone. Despite the fact I prefer monogamy and find it very easy, i think that some people really arent suited to it.

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 14/01/2022 18:19

I've had opportunity to cheat, I didn't. It's a choice no one is forced to have an affair. Being mailed doesn't mean you aren't attracted to anyone else but you have self control, consequential thinking, perspective taking etc all of which would stop lots of people having an affair. If you're not happy in a relationship do something about it, either work with your partner or leave. People just want it all ways, steady partner nice lifestyle, family environment, joint finances and someone new and exciting to shag. You don't get everything you want in life.

ufucoffee · 14/01/2022 18:39

It's very easy to stay faithful. You don't need to stay in a marriage if you're not happy. If you want to be unfaithful you're obviously unhappily married so do something about that rather than shagging someone else.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 14/01/2022 18:47

Totally unrealistic ime, yes.

Branleuse · 14/01/2022 18:54

Im not convinced that everybody that cheats or wants to have sex with other people are not happy in their relationship.
If you have a couple who both love each other but both fancy other people too, should they definitely split up?
Monogamy isnt the law. Its just assumed. Its mainly something thats been culturally entrenched and enforced (on women, not so much men) to ensure paternity of any children she bore.

I have dabbled with non monogamous stuff and came to the conclusion that monogamy is simpler and less of a headfuck, but i know enough people that just seem to like the novelty of new partners and dont really care about monogamy. Ive got friends who are swingers too. I can definitely see the appeal.

frozendaisy · 14/01/2022 18:58

The French used to cope with extra marital affairs all the time.

fallfallfall · 14/01/2022 19:01

if your not interested in being faithful you unmarry/separate/leave gracefully.

Craftycorvid · 14/01/2022 19:12

Well, we quite possibly aren’t ‘wired’ for monogamy as a species, and it’s definitely hard work. However, open relationships are very hard work, too. I guess relationships per se are hard work at times. 🤷‍♀️

RedCandyApple · 14/01/2022 19:14

Not hard for me, I’ve been single for 5 years with no sex at all in that time as I have zero interest in sleeping with random/multiple people, an open relationship to me sounds horrible and messy

BobbieMarkowe · 14/01/2022 19:25

Good marriages don’t just happen - it takes effort and courage to communicate, compassion and respect to co-habit and co-parent harmoniously. You have to actively choose to turn to your partner when there are other options.

We all have our heads turned from time to time. It’s the decision to turn away from the temptation - whether that’s sexual or the opportunity for a moan about the partner who doesn’t understand. In a long term relationship there’s a depth of connection that goes way beyond sex.

I don’t think it’s about programming, and I don’t think it’s even primarily about sex. It probably is more about selfishness, entitlement and seeing people as utilities.

Onthedunes · 14/01/2022 21:36

@BobbieMarkowe

Great post.

YouWereGr8InLittleMenstruators · 14/01/2022 21:52

Meh.
Infidelity is more about being honest with oneself and truthful with one's partner than some kind of compulsion to follow through with extramarital attraction. If experiencing overwhelming attraction to another, so strong that one feels like one may want to act on it, one does have the option to say to one's partner or spouse before acting on it "DP/ DH / DW, I intend to pursue a sexual encounter with X from my pottery class. Can we discuss how this will impact on our relationship?", giving one's partner or spouse the opportunity to make their feelings on the matter known. This way, there is no deceit, which is the real killer with infidelity.
People and relationships change; it is reasonable to keep on re-evaluating what the relationship may look like and morph into with the passing of time.

TheGrinchsDog · 14/01/2022 22:07

Open marriages and relationships are fine. If both people are choosing to enter them as such.

Where it becomes really wrong is when one of them decides to cheat. That's not ok.

No one except the slightly deranged expects a human being to only ever be attracted to their partner for the rest of their lives.

Faithfulness is not hard. Unfaithfulness is not a certainty. As intelligent beings we can make choices about what actions we take.

Those who say they cheated by mistake are lying to themselves if they believe it.

TossaCointoYerWitcha · 14/01/2022 23:54

We know affairs cost so much trouble and upset etc but realistically are we programmed to only be attracted to our partner.

Actually, I'd say the truth is both. We're biologically programmed to be attracted to others. We're also biologically programmed to get jealous. Nature has no problem with double-standards, if that's what gets the genes passed on.

At a purely animal level, we want to mate with others to increase offspring with a variety of genes. But what people arguing this means humans aren't "naturally" monogamous miss, is that jealousy also helps us by ensuring our mate makes the offspring with our genes a priority as opposed to any offspring they have with someone else's genes. Thus, nature "prefers" a route somewhere in between. Unfortunately, this tends to breed conflict. But, again, so long as the genes get passed on, Nature doesn't really give a shit.

People expect a "natural" fair solution, but there isn't one because nature, quite obviously, isn't fair - at least not from a humano-centric point of view.

So, it strikes me, that if we're going to be civilised whilst dealing with two competing natural urges, then we're going to have to take some form of responsibility and repress one or the other for the greater good. We either repress/distract our "mate with many" instinct and practice monogamy. Or we repress our jealous instinct and practice polyamory.

Also, its worth remembering we're not programmed to go to defecate in flush toilets - we have to toilet train toddlers, after all.

Cherryfizzzz · 15/01/2022 06:19

It's about self control. I've had 4 relationships.

Number one. Sneaky. Fancied the pants of a leggy blonde in the next village. Messaged a few women behind my back. Lied about his whereabouts etc.

Number 2. He just was obsessed. Anything female he'd point out. Fancied a married older woman at work. Anything from a 19 year old college student (he was 23) to a woman at work, to random women in the street. He went to weddings and added the bridesmaids. He went to car shows and swapped numbers.

Number 3. He was a completely lovely person like this. One of my favourite things about him was even after 8 years together he never once rubbed another woman in my face. He just about confesses his love for demi lavato (singer) and the odd hollyoaks actress. But je was completely decent to me.

Current girlfriend. He's triggering alot of memories. He's older than me by 15 years. So I sorter thought he'd be sensible. But he's not really. He's another that loves to say he looks at women but it doesn't mean he wants to get in their knickers. He's very prone to saying if a mate has an attractive partner. Its quite off putting. But if he goes to far I bring him up on it. Shouldn't have to but there you go. To be honest I know he's insecure and I think he does it for validation half the time.

So in my adult life I'd say 3 out of 4 have been abit untrustworthy

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