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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Too busy to commit?

30 replies

MelancholyMolly · 14/01/2022 16:51

Hey All,

I am 25, female, and recently without expecting, I have met a guy through social media and mutual friends with who I have really hit it off.

We had our first date last Saturday and it went really well! Lots of laughs, conversations, some harmless flirting, and a kiss at the end.

Since then, we have texted and communicated daily. My only concern is sometimes he is super intense and lovey-dovey and then the next minute he can be blunt, quite cold, and not as enthused in conversation. So in full transparency, he is quite hard to read. I am unsure if it's the correct thing to do but my friend advised me to "mirror" his behavior, which I have been doing but I'm finding it exhausting switching from "interested" and "playing it cool" as that's what he seems to be doing.

Yesterday morning mixed in with a different topic, he mentioned wanting to see me again and so I asked when he would be free. However, when he responded some hours later he ignored my question and only responded to the other parts of what we were talking about. So I chose not to push on it.

This afternoon, he messaged again to say that he "misses my face", so I responded and said to let me know when he is available if he is up for meeting again. Again, this was ignored and he only acknowledged the other topics.

I ended up asking him why he keeps avoiding that question and he said he's not avoiding it but that he has just got plans already and work is in the way too so is unable to commit to a date at the moment.

Is this normal dating behavior and perhaps I just need to relax a little? or is he just not as keen as I had thought he was and is maybe playing a bit of a game?

I will very much appreciate any advice! Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 14/01/2022 17:00

He doesn’t sound that into you

Sunnytwobridges · 14/01/2022 17:03

Eh, no one plays hot and cold with someone they are interested in. Like the pp said, he’s just that into you. You’re a time waster until the right one comes along, for now when he’s bored or needs validation he will keep you hanging and confused.

Pinkbonbon · 14/01/2022 17:05

No it's it's normal op. Blowing hot and cold is not normal. Nor is telling someone you have met once that you 'miss their face'. Sounds like a manipulator that hasn't decided if he wants to use love bombing or not yet.

Intense is ALWAYS a red flag early on. As is fucking you around like he is doing.

Funily enough I actually read an article last night that was like 'one red flag you should always heed early on' and its when they say they are too busy. He isn't too busy, you just are not a priority.

And this guy, wants you to worry that you are not a priority. Hense the blowing hot and cold.

Just, run op. Run fast and run far

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2022 17:06

Be someone's priority rather than an option. You're an option to this man.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2022 17:09

Raise your relationship bar OP; do not at all settle for this at such an early stage. Intense is, as Pinkbonbon rightly points out, a red flag.

I also think your friend has not advised you at all well re mirroring his behaviour. You don't need to do that and you're above all that nonsense.

Pinkbonbon · 14/01/2022 17:10

And have a word with your friend. Give her the heads up that if a man is being erratic and blowing hot and cold, you drop him. You don't hang about trying to change you in the hopes of fixing him. When a man likes you and respects you, you know it. Life is too short to waste on fuckboys.

Pinkbonbon · 14/01/2022 17:12

Haha @AttilaTheMeerkat great minds think alike 😉

MyQuietPlace · 14/01/2022 17:19

You've had had one date with him, and that was 6 days ago. If he blows hot and cold, it sounds as though he doesn't know what he wants. Don't keep asking him when he's free or when he wants to meet. It's been 6 days. Get on with your life, and if he's available and it happens to fit in with whether you're free and want to meet, then see him. Otherwise, meet other people, go out and meet friends.

Original poster
MelancholyMolly · 14/01/2022 18:22

Ahh thank you everyone!!! You have all confirmed pretty much exactly what I was thinking.

I think I’ve been naive entering the dating game and I’m so glad I asked here for a heads up. For sure I’m not looking for a mess around and I made it pretty clear to him prior to meeting what I was looking for.

I’m relieved to know my instincts were definitely spot on here!!! I’m going to take all of your advice and sack this off, we’re obviously looking for different things.

Thank you xx

OP posts:
Lampan · 14/01/2022 19:22

No it’s not normal (or it shouldn’t be!)
If it’s difficult/confusing at this stage it’s not going to get better! The bottom line is, if someone wants to see you they will make time, and if someone is genuinely interested, you won’t have any doubts as to how they feel. Don’t let him waste any more of your time. He’s probably enjoying the attention, with no intention to make any effort.

Milomonster · 14/01/2022 19:31

Speaking from experience with a man who sounds just like him, ditch him. He won’t change and the longer it goes on, the more headfuck for you. Perhaps this guy wants you to chase him. Don’t. I’ve met some really lovely guys on OLD who communicate things in a timely and respectful way. This is not it.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 14/01/2022 19:37

No, he's a timewaster, chuck this one back.

ElectraBlue · 14/01/2022 22:04

He is wasting your time.

If he really was into you he would have asked you out again and made concrete plans.

The hot and cold behaviour is a red flag.

He is probably messaging you only when he is bored and for a quick ego boost, but meanwhile he has made plan to see other people.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 14/01/2022 22:11

He sounds really annoying

Next!

MizzFizz · 15/01/2022 06:12

Yuck. Drop him and find someone who treats you with decency and respect. If he's already behaving this way after one week, imagine what he's really like... He honestly sounds like on of those guys who follows some of those incel influencers "pull her in then push her away, she'll become addicted to you and need to prove herself to you, you'll be in her pants in no time" kind of BS. Do not give your time to anyone who doesn't treat you with respect.

Cherryfizzzz · 15/01/2022 06:32

It sounds to me like he's blowing hot and cold. Which in the male world can often mean I'm scared! Or I'm a player!

My boyfriend has depression. But when we first started connecting he was very high and low. In hindsight looking back I think we met at the wrong time. He was 2 years single. But I think he was still very much processing the ex. They stayed on friendly terms and it has complicated things. Does your boyfriend have anything like an ex or bad history?

We spent 4 months high and low. Lost touch for 2 months. Spoke for 3 weeks. Lost touch for 6 weeks. Then he got in touch. What was happening was he was battling himself. He liked me alot. But that scared him. He didn't like the feelings. He was confused. Still figuring stuff out in regards to his past.

I was so emotionally allover the place. It was push pull. He'd be so intense and loving. Then use any excuse to fall out. I loved him. I found myself struggling to know where I stood. Which made me wobble. Question.

We are now properly together but he still pulls back sometimes in a panic for a day or so. I'll be honest I still don't know yet if he's gunna be right for me long term.

You need to be careful and think before you get too deep like I did. Go with your gut. I was unlucky because he didn't tell me truths that I should have known. The thing is you don't want to be in a relationship with someone sitting there completely ignoring questions about meeting again.

Just send him a message and don't say "let me know" ask him "when are you free" "can you do tuesday"

It's better to push it out of him now than waste months of your life trying to understand someone's behaviour.

I am in love and I allowed myself to be dragged down and accept his fears. But if I could go back..I probably wouldn't have got involved. It's been hard!

Cherryfizzzz · 15/01/2022 06:35

Also if he's too busy then why is he even attempting to meet anyone? Poor excuse.

SilverPeacock · 15/01/2022 06:44

Do yourself a favour and bin him immediately.

Pyewhacket · 15/01/2022 06:53

He's seeing and or talking to more than one person. Red flag.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 15/01/2022 09:05

@MizzFizz

Yuck. Drop him and find someone who treats you with decency and respect. If he's already behaving this way after one week, imagine what he's really like... He honestly sounds like on of those guys who follows some of those incel influencers "pull her in then push her away, she'll become addicted to you and need to prove herself to you, you'll be in her pants in no time" kind of BS. Do not give your time to anyone who doesn't treat you with respect.
A friend of mine has been talking online and over the phone with a guy since August and they "have strong feelings for each other" but they've never met, or even Facetimed or Zoomed. All she has seen are head and shoulders shots of him in a football shirt. She's constantly a sobbing mess, cancelling arrangements because she is so upset over the fact that he is regularly blocking her/hanging up during conversations and saying "But you know I'll always come back". He does, and she tolerates it.

"But I really like talking to him. He's said we're not going to meet, so I am happy just being his friend and chatting"

I don't understand all this drama over someone YOU'VE NEVER FRIGGIN' MET!!! He's told her lots about his family and upbringing, and also about exes and other women who like him. Acting like he is 14.

And still she is reeled in by him, now "playing it cool" to "show him". She asked me and another friend "I bet you think I'm stupid". Declined to answer that one, only to say I didn't understand why she did this and I wouldn't do it myself.

I've just dumped a partner who was irritating and mean, but there was never this sort of drama. Genuinely don't understand it.

So OP (I'm sure you're nothing like my friend!) don't get drawn into this rubbish with this guy. Chuck him back and let him swim away. Not worth your time or headspace.

BlackberrySky · 15/01/2022 09:12

Breadcrumbing. He likes having you as an option without making any effort. Move on.

edwinbear · 15/01/2022 10:11

He swerves the question about when he is available/wants to meet up, every time you ask it. He's telling you loud and clear that he doesn't want to, but he likes an effortless ego boost every now and again, which only requires the investment of about 30 seconds to type a message. You can do better.

pictish · 15/01/2022 10:15

I agree with everyone else…if he really misses your face he’d make a date to see it. He’s stringing you along, keeping you on the back burner.

Not good enough. Next.

Mermaidwaves · 15/01/2022 11:32

These men seem abundant nowadays! I bet he's got several women he's having these kind of interactions with, keeping you all on the backburner. I'm not judging OP as I've been part of this type of dynamic too but I pretty much guarantee he will mess you around.

Next!

Bangheadhere40 · 15/01/2022 11:41

NEXT.