How do you agree family holidays?

[fluffyhamster]

Am pissed off about DH approach to this and am wondering AIBU?

Background: DH & I and two DSs at uni. Due to covid we haven't had any kind of family holiday outside UK since 2019. No recent discussion about this year either.

Out of the blue, at dinner when both DSs were home DH suddenly says "who wants to come on a ski holiday over Easter?" We skied when DSs were little but haven't for about 5-6 years.

Straightaway DS1 says not him, he will final year assessment and exams (later also privately tells me that he feels his days of 'family holidays' are probably over. Both boys find DH's style of 'military command and organisation' overpowering and irritating on holiday!).

I also say I'm not sure, but probably not. I'm not very fit and have also had recent problems with anxiety/ heart palpitations (meno-related) and I think I might find the altitude all a bit too much at the moment.

DS2 says he might be interested, but then I point out that he has his driving test over Easter hols and that it's basically taken 18 months to get this appointment due to covid and him being away at uni. He agrees he doesn't want to miss this.

My take on all of this is that we decide skiing is a 'no'.

This morning DH starts talking about 'dates for skiing' and when I point out we more or less said no/ not now he gets all huffy and says "well he wants to go skiing even if nobody wants to come with him!"

WTF? It was ONE holiday idea he discussed. He asked our POV and we gave it.

I'd call his bluff and say 'Okay, you go on your own then' and either he will or he won't.

Sounds like he chooses to hear only what he wants to hear?

Although, my dh does go skiing without me, because it is something he loves, and I don't. All of the dc have been with him, at various different times.

They do get to an age when 'family holidays' don't happen anymore, whatever your style of parenting. I'd suggest if he wants to go skiing, your dh goes on his own, and, if he wants to do a last 'family holiday' then he sits down with everyone and listens to what people might want to do, and when they might all be able to do it, and the discussion goes from there. Or both, of course.

@Kite22 That sounds all far to sensible and grown up!!

I do feel like we are at a crossroads - the boys obviously will want to go off with their own friends etc and to be honest I don't have the same interests as DH. I do like skiing, but skiing the last few times with strong and fast 6ft men (tall teens!) wasn't much fun. In fact I heard about a women's only ski week recently and found myself thinking "I'd love that!" . I also fancy going on a creative writing and yoga retreat, and I love going to places to meet people over dinner etc, whereas DH likes faffing around on his own (or ideally with me trailing behind) looking at ancient things and taking photos.

Do married couples start to go off on their own holidays (separately) once the family holidays stop?

My answer to that would definitely be for him to go on his own and enjoy himself then.

I’ve been on holiday on my own whilst in relationships. No big deal for me. Not sure your DH would agree though based on his ways. Sounds like he expects you to just go along with what he wants. A lot of people divorce in later life as they find that they have zero in common with their partner and have grown in different ways.

Suggest he goes on his own and gets to avoid the school/uni holidays when its more expensive. You book a week doing something you enjoy and if he wants to do a family trip, talk to the boys about when would work for them, and what sort of holiday. (Id suggest a resort type holiday somewhere there are things he can go off and do but also you can hang by the pool /beach chatting to fellow guests while he is busy "not wasting the day".

Do married couples start to go off on their own holidays (separately) once the family holidays stop?

I know some who do, although they tend to have holidays together as well. So if one is into cycling or hill walking or bird watching or yoga or whatever, they do a solo trip for that, and then mutually agree a trip that appeals to them both. As long as both parties are happy with the new arrangement I don't see any harm in it. But if he wants to go off skiing either solo or with friends, why shouldn't you go and do a yoga holiday? Perhaps another year, if you have skiing friends, you could go with others and the leisurely skiers could go off together, while the more aggressive skiers do the same?

Nobody's suggested and alternative location or date. Maybe discuss options?

We still go on the big family ski trip and love it- parents, 3 adult siblings, gaggle of kids from babies to teens! And DH goes on his own ski trip with friends too, and I take separate holidays but usually city or beach breaks since that’s what my friends like.

Do married couples start to go off on their own holidays (separately) once the family holidays stop?

Well, we are fortunate enough to both get enough AL, and to be able to earn enough that we can do things both together and separately.

My dh hates the heat, whereas 10days in the sun with a good book and a cocktail sounds great to me dh hates it. We've spent a lot of years taking turns and doing different things and came to the conclusion that there was no point in spending money making him uncomfortable in the heat, or me uncomfortable in a tent halfway up a mountain somewhere, when we are both happy at home on our own, and both have others we can go off with to do the things we do like. However, we do also book something together each year, which we both enjoy. It doesn't have to be an either / or, as we are lucky enough to be able to do both, but now we are no longer looking after dc, there doesn't need to be 2 of us there if the other one won't enjoy it.

It does sound like your dh is used to you all falling in with his “military” organisation

Is this something that makes you happy?

Once you don’t need to save annual leave to cover childcare, then you can do some separate holidays as well as ones together. I think it would be pretty sad never to holiday with your spouse, but compromise is possible and separate breaks too. If you can afford it (& if you can afford skiiing for 4 surely you can), then why not?

well he wants to go skiing even if nobody wants to come with him

If his style is military command & control and he fancies going skiing, then it makes perfect sense to me that he would ask out of the blue, and do it solo if no one else was interested.

The question is, whether there are sufficient family funds and annual leave to do other things as well. Only if the other things must be instead does it become any kind of problem.

DH and I do joint hols, and also solo trips for our (very different) separate interests. We also take shorter breaks with various combinations of family, the family ones tend to be more weekend or long weekend of things. It's entirely reasonable

In your shoes I'd jump at a ladies ski trip solo. Some of the greatest friends I have ever made, started with people I met on women solo activity breaks.

The next change might come with grandchildren, when grandparents are welcome as extra pairs of hands ....

Enjoy.

I think part of the problem is that he doesn't have other friends!
No seriously! - he doesn't! All his friends are the husbands of my friends and mostly he just goes to an occasional film or concert with them.
He has relied on us to be his company for the last twenty years. When the kids were little it was fine because we went with other families I'd got to know through school etc (event though I was still working).
I always used to organise the ski holidays because I enjoyed the chalet experience of not cooking for a week. But the organisation used to almost kill me - all the clothing and equipment for the kids, managing the inevitable tears and tantrums when they were young and didn't want to go to ski school etc.
Now we're adults he's talking about a self-catered chalet, which has all the disadvantages of no other people to talk to and the extra organisation of food etc - even if it is only breakfast etc. Experience has shown that the men in my family don't pull their weight on holiday, even if they claim they do.

And no, none of us like his military operation style - it's all very "let's leave at 9 am to make the most of the day". I think we've all just has enough really!

Ah, well, it sounds like he has more to lose by not changing and adapting than the rest of you do then.

he's talking about a self-catered chalet

Since he will be going on his own and you will be booking the ladies week sky trip, this won't impact you, will it @fluffyhamster

And if you find your resolve weakening, remember

the men in my family don't pull their weight on holiday

There’s only two options really

1. You two go on your own separate holidays and enjoy yourselves.

1. He compromises - stops ordering you about , does his share of the chores and agrees somewhere you both like.

You know better than I do how likely he is to compromise.

If you do agree to 2, I’d make it a long weekend in the Uk / a short flight away in Europe first to see if he actually sticks to it. No point in wasting your money and annual leave to discover he’s not changed.

@fluffyhamster

I think part of the problem is that he doesn't have other friends! No seriously! - he doesn't! All his friends are the husbands of my friends and mostly he just goes to an occasional film or concert with them. He has relied on us to be his company for the last twenty years. When the kids were little it was fine because we went with other families I'd got to know through school etc (event though I was still working). I always used to organise the ski holidays because I enjoyed the chalet experience of not cooking for a week. But the organisation used to almost kill me - all the clothing and equipment for the kids, managing the inevitable tears and tantrums when they were young and didn't want to go to ski school etc. Now we're adults he's talking about a self-catered chalet, which has all the disadvantages of no other people to talk to and the extra organisation of food etc - even if it is only breakfast etc. Experience has shown that the men in my family don't pull their weight on holiday, even if they claim they do.

And no, none of us like his military operation style - it's all very "let's leave at 9 am to make the most of the day". I think we've all just has enough really!

I don’t really understand your comment about his not having other friends. I don’t have any friends really, certainly none that I would go on holiday with. I don’t understand how that is relevant to me and my DH deciding where to go on holiday. Feels like you just want to add to your unpleasant description of him.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with your DH suggesting a ski trip, isn’t that a nice thing to do? None of you were particularly clear that it was a no, didn’t suggest anything else, so he has mentioned it again.

Many university aged children do not want to go on family holidays any more, so this is more about you and him holidaying than a family holiday I feel. If you don’t want to go skiing tell him, then he either goes on his own or you find somewhere you both want to go. This doesn’t need to be hard.

My DH went off on his skiing holiday today. He’s gone with an organised group for solo skiers. I’m off to Greece with DD in June. Separate holidays work very well for us; DD and I don’t enjoy skiing as much as he does and he hates beach holidays. Family holidays are to Disney World every three or four years.