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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Abusive ex wants to meet new partner

26 replies

Struggling1702 · 14/01/2022 14:29

My exH and I separated 2.5 years ago, he moved out 2 years ago. Divorcing because of his cheating (repeated) but also his controlling behaviour. He has also since become emotionally and financially abusive.
18 months ago I stared seeing someone and after 7 months he met the kids. As per the agreement with the ex, I waited at least 6 months and I told him first before they met.
Well my ex went mental when he found out and was vile to me for about 4 months. He stopped child maintenance, wouldn't talk to me at all and would sit on the drive beeping his horn at pick up time. He would send abusive texts and shout at me etc.
At the time, my boyfriend offered to meet him to help calm him down, but he refused.
Well this morning, a whole year later, exH has announced he wants to meet him and I'm not sure what to do.
I believe the only reason he wants to is because I won't meet his new GF yet. They've been together 4 months (less than our agreed 6 for meeting the kids) and he moved her in after 3 months (and after our kids had only met her once). I said I'd meet her when I feel the relationship is more long term. Anyway, he's mentioned a few times now that she wants to meet me so I think this is why he's saying he wants to meet my BF.
Any advice? My BF is very laid back and quiet so there would be no aggro from his end, I just don't trust my ex tbh...

OP posts:

Soontobe60 · 14/01/2022 14:33

Why oh why do people feel they can stipulate when their ex’s new girlfriend / boyfriend is allowed to meet the children?

Costacoffeeplease · 14/01/2022 14:34

Why would you pander to him?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2022 14:38

How far along the divorce process are you now?.

Your ex H has not changed one bit. He remains very much abusive towards you and cannot be at all trusted. This is yet another attempt from him at wanting power and control over you; he wants to feel he can still control you from afar. What he says does not go and he is not and should not be the boss of you. You all need to stay well away from him. Having contact does not and will not do any of you any good.

Original poster

Struggling1702 · 14/01/2022 14:39

@Soontobe60 it was actually him that stipulated this when we split up to protect the children from any extra trauma. I stuck to it as I agree children shouldn't be meeting new partners until the relationship is going somewhere and we both felt 6 months showed a level of commitment. Our children are quite young (6 and 10) and the youngest forms attachments very quickly.

OP posts:

mug2018 · 14/01/2022 14:41

He is your childrens dad .. he's nothing to you so I wouldn't be doing anything that he 'demands'
My ex was exactly the same. As soon as you stop pandering to his demands, the sooner he will go away. He has NO control over you so I would say that unless your partner wants to me him, he can jog on.

Original poster

Struggling1702 · 14/01/2022 14:42

@AttilaTheMeerkat hopefully near the bloody end! He's been an absolute nightmare with the divorce process. Accused the first mediator of being biased so we had to start again. Then he turned up to mediation having done no paperwork and then he lied on the paperwork. Anyway, to summarise I ran out of money and have had to give in to his demands. I'm moving out of the family home next month with the kids and him and his GF are moving in. I'm hoping shortly after this the divorce will be finalised.

OP posts:

TheChip · 14/01/2022 14:43

If theyre both up for meeting each other, then let them get on with it.

I dont really understand why either feel the need to. Its not going to change anything and it's not like they're going to be buddies.

Thunderandrain · 14/01/2022 14:47

What what? Why are you moving out of the family home? Did you both own it?

Original poster

Struggling1702 · 14/01/2022 14:49

@Thunderandrain yeah.. long story but yes he's got the home. He's paid me 50% of the equity so I can get my own place. To summarise he earns a massive 6 figure salary, I do not! I couldn't afford to take over the family home so have had to downsize. It's a ll a bit shit tbh

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2022 14:49

You had to give into his demands?. Do you really need to move out of the family home next month, where is your Solicitor in all this and how good have they been?.

I am not at all surprised to read that he was and has been a nightmare re the divorce process; again its all part of the power and control he wants over you all here. He will indeed remain just as abusive post divorce too. Mediation with abusive men like your soon to be ex H is a waste of time, money and effort and therefore should never have taken place.

BungleandGeorge · 14/01/2022 14:49

@Soontobe60

Why oh why do people feel they can stipulate when their ex’s new girlfriend / boyfriend is allowed to meet the children?

To protect their children from the trauma of meeting multiple partners if the ex isn’t putting the children first by doing this them self? So that the children actually spend quality time with their parent and not random partners? A mutual agreement of 6 months seems like a pretty sensible agreement. However he’s blown that out of the water by moving in with his girlfriend after 3 months. And he refused to meet your partner. It doesn’t sound like he ever suggested it in the interests of the children. Do you want to meet his new partner?

Original poster

Struggling1702 · 14/01/2022 14:50

@TheChip thing is my BF would meet him if I said ex had asked as he thinks it's probably the right thing to do. I just don't trust my exH not to be a complete dick 🤣. I don't want to put him through it tbh

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2022 14:51

I think he has actively attempted to do you (and in turn your kids) over financially in this divorce settlement. What about his pension?. How good is your Solicitor here, please tell me you're still getting legal advice.

YoBeaches · 14/01/2022 14:52

The only thing you and ex need to talk about is the kids and provisions for them. Any thing else is your own business.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2022 14:53

You should all stay well away from your ex H. That man only loves his own self.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 14/01/2022 14:56

He's your ex, he can jog on with his demands. He wouldn't be meeting my partner and I wouldn't be meeting his.

BungleandGeorge · 14/01/2022 14:56

If you need legal advise I believe they can take the cost out of the settlement. Obviously only worth it if the cost will be offset by a better settlement from you. Your mediator would advise? Although I think you’d need a solicitor if you think he has failed to declare any assets, pension etc

Original poster

Struggling1702 · 14/01/2022 15:01

To answer the questions, yes I have had legal advice and spoke to 3 different solicitors in the end and they all agreed with mine. Basically we have so little equity on the house that I'd spend it all taking him to court so it was take 50% and go or spend even more in court. I have got half his pension (army one too so decent enough) and i finally got him to delicate his actual real income so he's paying the right level of maintenance (he's self employed and been lying the whole time).
And no, I don't want to me his new GF. I have issues tied up in the fact he had 3 affairs that really damaged my self esteem. Each one was a lot younger and more attractive than me, so I think meeting her (she's 12 years younger than him) will be a trigger.
Also, I think he's doing it to hurt me and show off and make me realise his life is so utterly awesome compared to mine.
And, most importantly, I don't want to set a precedent that I have to meet every new GF he starts dating! Let's give it a while and see if it lasts!!

OP posts:

DatingDinosaur · 14/01/2022 15:14

So you split over 2 years ago and he’s still maintaining control over what YOU do with YOUR life and cunningly disguising it as “what’s best for the kids”?

He has no right to tell you when your current partner should meet your children. You have no obligation to meet his girlfriend. He has no right to demand to meet your boyfriend. Neither of you should be needing to vet each other’s partners.

This isn’t about the children. It’s about controlling YOU. Still. After over 2 years.

Keep contact strictly about the children and if that has to be through formal channels then so be it.

BungleandGeorge · 14/01/2022 15:30

Sounds like you’ve got everything sorted out. This isn’t about the children, he’s just trying to control you. Don’t feel bad, just disengage. You’re under no obligation to meet her. If he was bothered about meeting your partner he’d have already done it

Thunderandrain · 14/01/2022 15:33

Tell him to fuck off OP. I would keep your BF as far away as possible from him too. He only wants two see who is is so he can feel like he has got the better deal.

Greenmarmalade · 14/01/2022 15:37

No. Disengage. Reply by email once with ‘no’ in formal language, then ignore all future requests.

LiG123 · 14/01/2022 15:40

You aren't his friend. Why bother?
Ultimately you're the children's parents and should put them first. No need to meet partners in a meeting but if it happens it happens?

Controlling.

TheChip · 14/01/2022 15:46

[quote Struggling1702]@TheChip thing is my BF would meet him if I said ex had asked as he thinks it's probably the right thing to do. I just don't trust my exH not to be a complete dick 🤣. I don't want to put him through it tbh[/quote]
Just say no then. As others have said, it's just control for him again. If you do not want to put your bf through meeting him, then you don't have to.

Original poster

Struggling1702 · 14/01/2022 16:54

Thank you. Glad it's not just me that thinks it's part of his controlling behaviour.
He grabbed me unawares this morning when he picked the kids up and I didn't know how to answer, other than ask why now and then agreeing...
I hate how he can still do this to me.
Off the counselling this evening at least so that will help!!!

OP posts:

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