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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship

25 replies

User1412 · 14/01/2022 11:54

So last night hubby and I were in bed and we were having an argument. I was lying on my side and he hit me hard in my lower back. I was so shocked, I was crying with pain and shock and ended up sleeping downstairs. Today im a bit sore and I have a niggling pain when I walk. He texted me this morning to apologise and said his behaviour was totally unacceptable. I just feel so upset

OP posts:
myothercarisaskoda · 14/01/2022 13:09

I'm so sorry. i wouldn't give him the chance to do that again and would get out. It could get worse.

Dillydollydingdong · 14/01/2022 13:10

He'll do it again if you let him get away with it. This is the thin end of the wedger

Dillydollydingdong · 14/01/2022 13:11

Wedge

AryaStarkWolf · 14/01/2022 13:18

I wouldn't give him the opportunity to that again OP. I hope you're OK

TheFoundation · 14/01/2022 13:21

That's domestic violence, OP. You need to re-assess your relationship, now. So sorry, as I'm sure he is, but that doesn't take away what he did.

What's the rest of the relationship like? I can't imagine this comes out of the blue from an otherwise deeply respectful partner.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 14/01/2022 13:23

Has he been violent in any way towards you before @User1412? Aggressive? Shouting? Or has nothing like this happened before? Just trying to get some background

DirtyDancing · 14/01/2022 13:37

Sorry to say- if he has don't once- he can do it again. Do not live in fear of the next time. Maybe it won't be next week or even next year. But, one day he will do it again. He has shown he thinks it's fine to physically abuse you. Forget the words of apology afterwards, or the tears and remorse he will show you later. Actions speak louder than words.

It is not okay, ever, for anyone to hit you. Daffodil

Pinkbonbon · 14/01/2022 13:46

Sorry op but it would be game over for me. Best case scenario if you stayed would be that every time you had a disagreement with him in future, you'd be worried he was going to smack you one. So basically, everything would end up being what he wanted and you'd be bloody miserable because you'd have no voice in the relationship.

Bonbon21 · 14/01/2022 13:49

He TEXTED to apologise.. what?... not man enough to say it to your face??
So next time you have an argument and you are face to face having the argument... is he going to bat you across the mouth instead?
Physical violence is never acceptable... I would be done.

Pinkbonbon · 14/01/2022 13:59

Thats a fair point too, if I actually hit someone I'd get on my knees to appologise (not ask forgiveness) and then explain that I was going to move out for 6 months and get intensive therapy and then, and only then would I ask to be forgiven and perhaps for the relationship to be reconsidered. IF that was what you wanted and IF I was sure I had resolved my issues. But you'd still be within your rights to walk away at any point before, during or after. And probably wise to do so.

And he has what? Sent you a text. Lol. What a dickhead.

Sunnytwobridges · 14/01/2022 14:22

Sorry but this would be the end for me. I'd always be afraid he would do it again.

AubadeIsIt · 14/01/2022 14:53

@Bonbon21

He TEXTED to apologise.. what?... not man enough to say it to your face?? So next time you have an argument and you are face to face having the argument... is he going to bat you across the mouth instead? Physical violence is never acceptable... I would be done.
This. Time to get out now.
TheCatShatInTheHat · 14/01/2022 15:15

What an arsehole. I'd be leaving him.

Original poster
User1412 · 17/01/2022 14:00

There have been episodes like this in the past but maybe not that hard.
He tried to get keys out of my hand and he was pushing down on my hand. I had to go to the doctor And had to wear a splint for a week afterwards. He has hit me in the back before as well.
Otherwise he can be charming.

OP posts:
bjrce · 17/01/2022 14:10

OP

A few things stand out here.
He had to make a conscious decision to lash out and hit you. You were lying on your side.It was unprovoked!

Also, he allowed you to sleep downstairs for a whole night, before he decided to "Text" you to apologise. He must have realized you were very upset.
He wasn't even man enough to speak to you face to face.

He has lost all respect for you.It is very difficult for you right now, but it is only going to get worse if you allow him to treat you like that.

Just saw your second post! Hs behaviour is already escalating!
Do yourself a favour and get away from him. He's an abusive coward

MyCatStaresAtMe · 17/01/2022 14:18

Imagine if a family member or friend told you what you’ve told us. What would you advise them to do?

Mumof3confused · 17/01/2022 14:22

He does not sound charming, he is abusive! And if he pretends to be charming it’s just a coverup. My advice would be to get away from him. And do the Freedom Programme online.

Original poster
User1412 · 17/01/2022 14:23

I know I should leave but I’m in a difficult position. I don’t live in the uk (where all my family live) I feel alone at the moment, my friends have their own problems to deal with hence the reason for posting on here.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 17/01/2022 14:26

@User1412

I know I should leave but I’m in a difficult position. I don’t live in the uk (where all my family live) I feel alone at the moment, my friends have their own problems to deal with hence the reason for posting on here.
Do you have children together? Also do you own your house or rent?

Just asking to see how hard it would be for you to break away and get a fresh start for yourself, that's at least the 3rd time he's gotten physical with you, that is not OK

preperri · 17/01/2022 14:28

It sounds like he unintentionally hit you when he suddenly moved
and was apologising for what he said in the argument
which is more likely?

Original poster
User1412 · 17/01/2022 14:30

We have 3 children, rent a house together. I have been a sahm for 6 years and I’m currently in the process of starting up a small business. I’m scared I wouldn’t cope financially on my own with 3 children.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 17/01/2022 14:30

@preperri

It sounds like he unintentionally hit you when he suddenly moved and was apologising for what he said in the argument which is more likely?
It doesn't sound like that at all, have you read the OPs update where she said he's hit her in the back before and injured her fingers?
AryaStarkWolf · 17/01/2022 14:31

@User1412

We have 3 children, rent a house together. I have been a sahm for 6 years and I’m currently in the process of starting up a small business. I’m scared I wouldn’t cope financially on my own with 3 children.
That does make things more complicated alright, Is going back to the UK where you have support an option? You can't stay in an abusive relationship
Original poster
User1412 · 17/01/2022 14:36

It’s not an option as I legally can’t take the children back to the uk.

OP posts:
OrlaKc · 10/02/2022 02:31

Start a private journal. Like a locked app on your phone, even a period app with codes like 'C' for times he's controlling etc. Keep this record. Then assess your marriage when you feel ready. You'd be surprised what you forget.

I wish you happiness and the love you honestly do deserve.

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