Sorry, this is veeerry long.
Myself and a guy I knew around from school got chatting via Facebook.
(He had actually dated a friend of mine at school, it was quite a weird situation because he dated her after his brother dated her, the brother had gone off to uni in another country and I don't know if he ever knew about it. But this was 17 yrs or so ago so ..).
Anyway, he's based in another part of the UK, but returns here to visit family etc. sometimes. We arranged to meet up when he was back here for a friend's wedding in Nov. We met up for drinks and stayed out very late one night (it was supposed to be with some other friends of his from school who were also attending the wedding but they bowed out and we went ahead on our own).
He mentioned that his younger brother, who lives here in their family home with his family, was considering emigrating to Oz, where one of the other brothers is altesfy living…. and that he'd hate to see his family home sold outside the family (it's an old farm house) and he'd consider moving back and living there himself (which would work ok because his job involves him working in different places and travelling regularly anyway). This made me think spending time together and a potential relationship developing was more feasible than if he was based in another part of the UK.
During the wide ranging conversation, I asked him if he was single/seeing anyone (he had mentioned nothing about it) and was somewhat surprised when he said he was. He'd been seeing a woman he knew through his social group on and off for 6 months but that they hadn't seen each other for the better part of two months now, that "he knew it was over, she knew it was over", but they needed to have the official conversation finishing it. He also mentioned that their mutual friends told him it wasn't going to work out and he should finish it (I got the impression this was more due to his attitude/behaviour than hers).
He mentioned that the "friendship had grown" with her, he valued the friendship, they'd gotten close etc. but he was not really attracted to her enough for a relationship ongoing.
That night I offered for him to stay at my place when we finally left the drinks venue (because it was v late, the weather was v bad and I didn't know exactly how far out in the countryside his family home is etc. ) but he declined. I think perhaps he thought I was offering a ONS or something like that, I wasnt; tbh I'm not sure what I was thinking.
He stayed in regular contact during the rest of his stay, and invited me to the cinema on his next free night. When he dropped me home, I got the impression he was expecting another invite in/to stay, but I'd had a think about his "situationship" back home and wanted to try to avoid anything sexual or romantic until he was properly single. I just said it would be great to meet up at Christmas when he was due back for another trip.
He was pretty shit at contact when he returned to his part of the UK. He wasn't really initiating it, and was often slow to reply (though always replied). I matched that behaviour after a couple of messages and took as long or longer to reply. He did initiate contact shortly before he was due back in my area for Christmas, and then seemed keen to meet up when he did come back. We met for a countryside walk, and hung out a bit at his family home. We touched on the pace of messaging/replying when he was back home and he said that's he's pretty crap at communication when not in in same place as someone, and that it has caused issues in every relationship he's ever been in (!). He mentioned that I'd been v slow to reply myself and I just said that it was in response to the pace he'd set.
We ranged over lots of topics of conversation, got along v well, he was taking pictures of me at beauty spots etc, and back at his family home, I was finding it difficult not to be affectionate/flirtatious and he was reciprocating.
I was v aware of the situation with the girlfriend back home so I, again, asked outright him about his status, and whether he finished the relationship properly. He said he'd tried to end the relationship, but that she'd gotten very upset, that she asked him could they at least stay together for Christmas & NY because she didn't want to be single at that time of year, especially because of her family situation (he mentioned she's estranged from most of her family) etc etc and so he'd agreed (and that he's "useless", and "tends to stick his head in the sand" about things like this (!!)
I was disappointed & frustrated, felt I should probably stop seeing him during the remainder of his trip, I said that I felt like we should keep things platonic until he had properly finished the relationship; he agreed and said "we'll respect it more".
He mentioned joining him and his brother for a drink on Christmas Eve, but didn't follow through. Then he invited me to join him for drinks on boxing night at a place where some people who attended our school hang out. I was in two minds but thought it was more of a group thing so (and my alternative plans weren't working) so I went. He went out of his way to give me a lift to the venue (left it to come back out and collect me). During the evening he was v much in "friend" mode and replied to a guy he knows who asked was I his girlfriend with "no no, a friend". He was far from being by my side for much of the night, and I was perfectly happy with that because I kept getting chatting to people from school and was enjoying it.
Drinks were flowing, I was increasingly tipsy and he presumably was too and started getting touchy feely towards the end of the night. I decided to join some of the people there for a small house party, he joined it too. The host assumed we were together and he again corrected him when he said "oh so are you two together".
I then decided to go on a small house party of a separate friend of mine and he wanted to come along. When we stopped (in a taxi now because he had drunk too much to drive and one of his brothers had agreed to drive the car he was using home instead) at my house to get some wine etc. to take along to the second house party, he suggested we just go into mine and watch a movie there. I said no to that and we went on to the house party.
We were a bit too late and pretty much everyone at the house party had fallen asleep, my friend chatted with us but was tired and wanted to go to sleep too. He assumed we were together, got us bed clothes for a makeshift bed in the sitting room, and this guy went along with sleeping with me there. By this point i was very drunk, and I imagine he was pretty drunk too. We had minor sexual contact, it was pretty awkward. Went to sleep briefly. He woke up in an apparent tizzie about the car, about where it was, that now he had to get it from there asap as he was responsible for driving family members to a lunch at a cousins house etc etc. I decided to leave with him in the taxi he immediately rang and go back to my house rather than trying to sleep on the floor of a cottage sitting room (with my friend and the others probably not getting up til late due to hangovers, tiredness etc.) It was awkward in the taxi, he was v distracted and when it dropped me off, I turned to wave bye and he was completely fixated on his phone and didn't even look up.
The next day he didn't follow through on a vague invite to drinks with him and some of his family members in a sports club. He had a specialist item of clothing I'd left behind accidentally in his car on the walk that i needed for an activity I was doing the next day so I messaged him and he said he'd drop it around sometime, but it wouldn't be before I left on the activity trip; quite a difference from his previous behaviour.
I went on the short trip for the activity, and came back to my item squashed through the letterbox, no message, and no communication since.
He mentioned he was not sure what he was doing at NY but apparently left my home region without a word in my direction.
From constant messaging (when he's here) and invites from him….. to that , was quite a change.
I messaged him just before NY and said o was surprised he chucked my clothing through the door without without word, and that in general I found his behaviour a bit shit.
Constant messaging (when he's here) and invites from him….. to that, was quite a change.
He replied (after I missed a call from him) with a "never meant to upset/offend you" and other random (to me) bullshit.
Tbh I'm disappointed, angry, feel like an idiot ….
Am I justified or am I to blame for continuing context and letting letting stay at the house party.
Opinions please.