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Relationships

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Original poster

Was it commitment phobia or did he just not love me

21 replies

Totesgoats111 · 14/01/2022 01:56

So I’ve been seeing a guy for almost a year now. I was fully aware of his emotional unavailablility when we started dating. He had back to back terrible relationships. Both crushed him and the one before me would physically assault him.
We dated for 9 months “unofficially” a month after his abusive relationship but we very quickly acted like we were in a relationship. We are absolutely perfect for each other. Same hobbies, life goals, same taste, incredible sex (he has told me multiple times I’m the only woman he has ever enjoyed sex with this much. After his ex he thought he was asexual)
He was always upfront about the fact that he wasn’t ready for a relationship, I wasn’t really ready either so I stuck around for the fun. After 9 months he pulled me aside, and cried. He cried about how he realised he was in the relationship he said he didn’t want but he could himself spending the rest of his life with me but he wasn’t ready. I just accepted it, tried to be really positive and left. Fast forward one month and he invites me over for drinks. We drink and then he cry’s again about how he realised that he was in love with me!! And he can’t stop thinking about me and that I’m the girlfriend he wants. I asked him if he felt he’d get overwhelmed again and he was honest and said probably because he believes relationships always go wrong for him. He also said he felt like after how toxic his last relationship was he wouldn’t be free if he committed to me. I tried to leave then but he wouldn’t let me go. He has been trying so hard for the past 3 months. Initiating everything, being so loving and buying me gifts, taking me out. I didn’t speak to him for two weeks to take some headspace and he sent messages to my friend about how in love he was with me and how he’d never give up on me.
But in my gut I still knew he wasn’t ready. I spoke to him yesterday about how this relationship is suddenly not as fun knowing he still can’t completely commit but how he in love with me he is. It’s confusing. He encouraged me to make the best decision for myself and that no matter what he’d be there. He didn’t want to hold me down. He didn’t think he was worth my emotional pain. So I did. I left. But it was so fucking hard. I adore him. But I know it’s the right decision.
I know it’s stupid and I’m not asking for advice on the situation. I’m just seeking comfort. I believe he loved me because he constantly showed it and invested so much time into me and care, as did i. But he had so much anxiety. He told me he was afraid of things getting boring, or maybe I’d want to have sex with someone else or that he would. Or that we were too young or that he that if he pissed me off like his ex girlfriend things would go just as poorly.
He also said his deepest fear was that he’d fuck this up for good somehow and that he’d loose me for good. Like that if he kept the commitment out of it then he’d be able to keep me around for good.
Again I know I made the right decision but I am in a lot of pain thinking that maybe the true reason he held back from committing was because he wasn’t as in love as he said he was.
He said it first though, unprompted by me and he really did make me feel so loved. I’m just feeling sore and insecure. That maybe I was lied to?
I know a lot of people have been through something similar but the only difference I feel in mine was that…he put all the effort in. It felt like I had an advancing relationship that wasn’t actually advancing.
I want to believe after all the love and effort we put in, it truly was just his anxiety that ended us and not that he was holding out for something better.

I also believe he let me go yesterday because he didn’t completely believe I meant it when I said this was it. He kept saying he’d see me soon and that this wasn’t actually goodbye. I kept saying it was. I’m determined to go no contact.
When I left he showed me the scar on his hand that he got with me because of one of the most insane but completely wholesome dates we went on. He broke a bottle with me that ended up scaring him. He kept pointing at it saying I’ll never forget about you. I physically can’t, he kept saying that he knows he will think of me everyday. And that he’d wait for the day I’d reach out again.

I know no one can really answer this for me. There is no future yet so there isn’t anything to predict. I’m just sad. I wonder if anyone has been on his side of things. Feeling stuck and in love. Is it possible to love some as much as I felt he did but believe you’re not worth it or can’t do it?

OP posts:

GiantHaystacks2021 · 14/01/2022 02:05

Sounds like love bombing at the start, which is not genuine.

Aprilx · 14/01/2022 02:09

I was going to say that I don’t really buy all that commitment phobia, you’re too good for me stuff, but maybe I am being unfairly cynical. Then I read the bit about him being scarred for life on your wholesome date when you broke a bottle and I am completely lost. You sound well out of it.

5YearsLeft · 14/01/2022 02:09

I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to really think about it.

Does it matter? Whether it was the commitment phobia or he didn't love you enough? Because the truth is, and there may be a lot of people who disagree with me, but commitment phobia always means someone doesn't love you enough. Being kind and giving you presents isn't what you needed. You needed him to do the real, true, hard work of sorting himself out. Like going to see a counselor and working on his shite (and we all have shite) so that he could have a healthy relationship with you. Or talking to his GP about managing his anxiety, if it was the anxiety that was a problem. Absolutely no amount of love declarations can replace doing that work.

So... does it matter? IF he manages to reach you, if you talk to him again, tell him that. Situations like this really are the ones where love isn't enough. He will always be using his past trauma and past relationships as reasons why your relationship cannot just progress normally. Well, then the absolute best and most meaningful loving and HUGE present he could ever give you is to leave you alone until he gets himself some therapy so he can then love you and be ready to commit to you.

That's really all there is to it. And until he does that, this will never work. You will go back and forth as long as you're with him, so going no contact is absolutely the right answer and you've made the right decision.

But I'm incredibly sorry that it hurts so much. The hurt will slowly feel less sharp, be less fresh, and you will move on, and find someone who is ready to give you both the love AND commitment you deserve.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/01/2022 02:13

I think you need to step away now and for good.

He either sounds very emotionally abusive, or very much in need of therapy and being single for a couple of years.

I was fully aware of his emotional unavailablility when we started dating

But you still dated him. Then wonder why he's off the radar. I think you might some counselling too.

Sorry if this is tough to hear.

TheFoundation · 14/01/2022 02:15

No healthy relationship or break up would cause this much drama.

Sunnytwobridges · 14/01/2022 03:11

When someone tells you who they are believe them. From the beginning he told you he wasn’t emotionally ready for a relationship. So you should’ve walked away then. Now you have, don’t go back because he hasn’t done one thing to work on his issues.

SarahBellam · 14/01/2022 04:13

If he really loved you and wanted you he’d move heaven on earth to make that happen. Men aren’t that complicated; most of the time when they want someone or something they work to get it. I reckon this one is just throwing you a few crumbs to keep you interested.

RantyAunty · 14/01/2022 04:41

5YearsLeft
Excellent post

He supposedly had all these issues but did nothing about them.

notyouagainn · 14/01/2022 04:56

@5YearsLeft

I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to really think about it.

Exactly this 👏👏

Catflapkitkat · 14/01/2022 05:06

Wow he loves the drama doesn't he? Funny how he always has the starring role. I bet none of his past relationships .... just fizzled out, were not that into each other etc. He may have loved you but not as much as he loves himself.

Monty27 · 14/01/2022 05:06

Is his name Chris? Yeh met him too.
There's many of them out there sadly.
Hope you heal soon ❤️ 👍🏽

lisaandalan · 14/01/2022 05:18

I think he has deeper issues than commitment, stay away and don't go back. X

todaysdilemma · 14/01/2022 06:33

He sounds very emotionally unstable! Telling your friends how much he loves you (after he ended it and you rightfully wanted time/space to think), and the unhinged presenting of a SCAR as testament of his love. So creepy. He needs a lot of therapy before he even contemplated going on a date again. And you should feel grateful you are out of it. Someone this erratic and unstable can cause a lot of problems and be difficult to break up with.

Also, he ended things and isn't sure if he can commit. So him 'making effort' is irrelevant. It's easy to do stuff when you know there's nothing tied to it, no real commitment and an easy get out clause because of his past.

You can have plenty of stuff in common with someone and have them still be completely unsuitable for any type of relationship. Walk away and don't look back.

todaysdilemma · 14/01/2022 06:37

Like that if he kept the commitment out of it then he’d be able to keep me around for good.

Also lol at this. Come now OP, I think you can see exactly what he wants. Someone to ignore every red flag because they're taken in by his sob stories, and will stick around with no commitment. Please don't fall for this.

something2say · 14/01/2022 07:00

Yeah no....!!! Its just a ballache to even read.

My advice?
Critique yourself.
He told you he was fucked up, you pressed on anyway.
He demonstrated that he was fucked up, you failed to leave.
He is not able to love himself, let alone you.

Why have YOU allowed this?
HOW have you allowed it?
By responding to his drama when he starts it all up again?

Some relationships are to be swerved. We learn that by a little taste. This guy has got SO MUCH to resolve and is not doing the work. If you respond to his contact attempts, you're right in there with him.

It took me years to learn that drama of this nature doesn't end because they dont do what is necessary to end it. The way out is via your own backbone and resolve. X

Gilda152 · 14/01/2022 09:15

Where you find one "commitment phobe", you find two.

You chose him for a reason.

beastlyslumber · 14/01/2022 09:24

I was fully aware of his emotional unavailablility when we started dating.

I think you need to forget about him altogether and start thinking about yourself. You pursued a relationship with someone you knew was unavailable. You ignored all the many, many red flags he presented. You clung on even though he made it clear he doesn't want a loving relationship with you.

So you need to ask yourself why you made these choices. The choices you've made were guaranteed to NOT get you what you want - assuming that what you actually want, like the vast majority of people, is a normal, committed relationship with a loving partner.

He sounds like a total mess (btw the 'wholesome' date that was 'insane' and involved broken glass and scarring sounds mental) but you can't do anything about him. You CAN do something about yourself. Give yourself a chance, OP.

Gilda152 · 14/01/2022 09:32

"You pursued a relationship with someone you knew was unavailable"

Exactly. Commitment phobes will always seek out other commitment phobes. He has been 'honest' about his thoughts. You're still in denial about yours. The easiest thing for a commitment phobe to do is choose another one and then throw their hands up when it doesnt go anywhere , when they knew it wouldn't from day 1. It's a defence mechanism to experiencing real, true, scary, intimacy and trust.

Opaljewel · 14/01/2022 09:40

I fully believe if a man wants to be with you, he will. All of this hand wringing is ego talk from him. Remember actions speak louder than words. Nothing matched up with him. Apparently he will always love you? Hardly acting like it. You know you deserve better. Keep away now you've walked. You've done the right thing.

supercali77 · 14/01/2022 10:00

Agree with pps, commitment phobes find each other. Based on his history he clearly isn't capable of a stable relationship, past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour. I wouldnt be investing a lot into his explanation of what went wrong in those either.

One way to look at it is that he loves you in his very limited version of love. Love is a long term action, if you're afraid and anxious, you fix your fear and anxiety. You dont push and pull the one you 'love' at your whim. He made you aware of how he was many times it seems and the bottom line was...he wasn't prepared to change or fix it and he was the only person who could do that.

The scar chat is just more evidence that his idea of love belongs in a novel about star crossed lovers. And he is the 'problem' that keeps the 2 of you apart. Ridiculous when you look at it objectively

You did the right thing in ending it. Now as others have said its time to ask yourself what you actually want out of life and a partner

ravenmum · 14/01/2022 10:00

if he pissed me off like his ex girlfriend things would go just as poorly
He also said his deepest fear was that he’d fuck this up for good somehow and that he’d loose me for good
I am a cynical cow, but it sounds to me like he'd already done something he knew you'd be unimpressed by, and was hoping that if he got in first with a "poor me" story then you'd be in the right frame of mind to forgive him if you found out later but were convinced he actually really loved you and it was just bad luck/fate/his ex's fault that he did it.

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