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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Restarting a sex life ?

8 replies

YogaRebel · 13/01/2022 19:33

My husband was really ill for over a year. During that time he was frustrated, had angry mood swings and rarely fun. I just got on with life and did my best to keep on top of life - cooking cleaning washing kids do my job etc. He lashed out at me verbally many many times when ill. He was bed bound a lot.

We (not surprisingly) stopped having sex, we became housemates.

He's better now but the whole verbal abuse has left me cold. He became routinely rude - lost all his manners. Like farting at the dinner table, swearing all the time. He was ridiculously defensive. He claimed he was just being a bloke.

He's apologised and is making an effort now - but I'm still not ready to rekindle a sex life. I put on weight and have been through the menopause - he thinks that's why. It isn't - although he apologised for the verbal abuse I feel really violated. I don't look at him the same.

Anyone else been through this and how did you revive things - or did you leave things alone. We re in our 50 s been together 30 years.

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 13/01/2022 19:38

If you're in your fifties you could live another 30 years or more. Can you carry on like this for all that time? I'm afraid it would take more than an apology for me to live with him again. I haven't been through that, as I've always left a man if he became abusive.

TheFoundation · 13/01/2022 20:55

If you don't look at him in the same way now, there's nothing you can do about that, any more than you can make yourself fancy anybody else that you don't fancy.

Imagine if we could actually control who we found attractive; the world would be a different place altogether.

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/01/2022 07:12

Sorry you had a tough time OP.

IF you want to try and make it work, I think relationship counselling is what you both need. That’s a real watershed in a relationship, you need to both decide if you want to carry on. If his illness explains his bad behaviour, you might be able to move forward.

It might be possible to rekindle it or it might not.

Even if you aren’t sure if you want to move forward, counselling can help you decide that, and is also good for managing the end of a relationship.

TYTY4 · 14/01/2022 07:18

It won’t be easy OP. Counselling is the minimum but if the attraction has gone then the sex life has gone for me.

MelonTits · 14/01/2022 07:20

Watching with interest because I am in a similar situation at the moment. I have hope that attraction can be rekindled but some things are so hard to forget/move on from that I’m really not sure.

Buildingthefuture · 14/01/2022 07:28

Do you love him? If you do, I think there is a possibility of salvaging the relationship (if that’s what you want) I guarantee he will have no real idea of the impact of his actions on you. He might say he understands and have apologised, but (some) men are utterly magnificent at minimising & denying shitty behaviour. Find a good counsellor (I.e. one who will make him fully reflect on the fact that he IS abusive) and go together to try and work through it. If you don’t love him and you don’t fancy him, then I think it’s time to end it.

YogaRebel · 14/01/2022 09:33

I love him - 30 years, 2 kids is a big shared history but I don't feel in love with him. I can objectively understand that when you re desperate frustrated and in a really shit place it can bring out the worst. But it can also bring out the best. My friend died of cancer last year - she didn't become abusive ! She behaved with grace and dignity. And that's my sticking point - adversity doesn't equal the right to be rude/ abusive / unkind etc It's made me see him with less respect, he seems smaller. My hope is maybe in time that will change and it will be a learning experience - something that brings on better things . Right now we re comfortable housemates... but I just don't feel it ( yet ) .
I wondered if anyone else had gone back from the brink ...

OP posts:
YogaRebel · 14/01/2022 13:23

@MelonTits

Watching with interest because I am in a similar situation at the moment. I have hope that attraction can be rekindled but some things are so hard to forget/move on from that I’m really not sure.
Rubbish isnt it wanting to feel one way but feeling another. I battle with can I forgive and move on...
OP posts:
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