Is/was your partner playing the victim, and did you manage to ‘fix’ this?

[Mumof3confused]

What the title says basically. I’m realising through therapy that my partner is very much playing the victim and I’m partly responsible for ‘rescuing’ him over the years, mainly to make my life easier. I am aware of this and try to do my best to let him get on with things (and fail miserably which does mean wasting time/money etc and does infuriate me).

He does not recognise that he has victimised himself or that this is manipulative. We are in couples counselling and I feel as though he has managed to charm our counsellor to think I’m the one who always nit picks at him but I genuinely don’t believe this to be true.

He find lots of things hard. Finances, DIY, driving, organising, planning you name it, it’s harder for him than it is for other people. I am so smart/clever/quick that he could never do it as well as me if he tried, so he doesn’t try.

When I try to bring this up or question things he will say it didn’t happen, he will shift the focus to my reaction, fail to remember…if all that fails he starts with the:

‘I love you so much I am heartbroken and I cry all the time’
‘I thought you loved me’
‘I don’t know how I’d cope without you’
‘You are ignoring all of the positives, you are not trying enough’

This results in me feeling terribly guilty and worried for him if I left, however I cannot respect or find any desire for him anymore.

I’m just wondering how long to keep going with the therapy, if it is any use. Anyone managed to get out of this dynamic?

@ChargingBuck - no, we've got wider issues to be honest, but I have to go to say that I tried it, IYSWIM.

I do hear what you are saying and I am worried that I am going to be portrayed as the 'bad' one and he's the poor, hurt victim.

My 'favourite' thing H does is within about 15-20 seconds of a conversation with his mum, he always does a huge, loud yawn. She then says 'oh no are you tired' and give him loads of sympathy about how hard his difficult life is. I am a very horrible wife because I won't do this.

He believes the problem is his low self esteem and somehow managed to blame me for this also

If his low self esteem is your fault, you need to leave.

If his low self esteem is not your fault but he blames you for it, you need to leave.

This is not your mess to tidy up. This is a mess you need to walk away from. According to his reasoning, his self esteem will shoot up, then, so you'll be doing both of you a favour.

He told me recently that I seem to have the monopoly on being busy.

OMG. I'm fuming for you!

Mine would moan that I didn't sit down to dinner once I'd put it on the table but ran around faffing. Yes that's because the kids need a drink, and the cat needs feeding, and the dishwasher needs flicking on etc and YOU NEVER DO THAT STUFF!

Likewise when we left the house he'd stand around impatiently and be grumpy that I wasn't ready. Because I was getting three of us ready! I would put huge amounts of effort into trying to get him to pull his weight, but he never did and I was always the baddie for nagging

I'm remembering how wound up and stressed it all made me all the time. It's SO much better not having to deal with it all and share a home with him. I'm now a single parent and do everything (with the kids helping a bit) but it's still less work than doing everything AND wasting energy arguing with Mr Victim!

@TheFoundation that’s a very good point. I’m in a lose/lose situation clearly.

@scaredsadandstuck I will admit I also decided on the counselling because I wanted to be able to say to myself that I tried everything. However, now I feel like my heart isn’t in it after a few months of it. He seems to completely fail to see my point of view. He’s also very good at putting his point across and make himself look amazing, I’ve always told him he should get into politics. Can’t really compete with it. Let’s not even start re the MIL, the master manipulator and ultimate victim.

@MrsMadderRose yep the standing around waiting. He actually stands and watches a pot of water waiting for it to boil, with the lid OFF, instead of getting on with things like stacking the dishwasher or whatever. He also tells me that I EVEN complain about where he puts his shoes but he has size 11 feet and all his shoes are always in the way and it hampers is trying to get out in the morning because everyone trips over these boat-size shoes. And for some reason they all have to be within reach even though 99% of the time he uses only the two pairs.

I’m winding myself up thinking about it. And I 100% believe that my life will be much, much simpler without him around. In fact, everything always goes very smoothly when he’s away.

[quote Mumof3confused]@TheFoundation that’s a very good point. I’m in a lose/lose situation clearly.[/quote]
Yes, by his design. And he gets win/win. He keeps getting to do what he wants, and is sure you'll never leave, because he knows how to manipulate you to stay.

He is a master manipulator and clearly has no intention of changing for the better, he's so lazy he'll do the absolute minimum he can to keep you and even that he does badly. You can't argue with him because he's not really listening anyway and has no intention of actually trying to fix anything.

The best thing I think is to work out an exit plan.

I understand. Just a bit of a heads up though, watch out for the suicide threats if you do get to the point of ending the marriage. In my experience the 'dont know what I would do without you' etc type comments are the more subtle precursors to this manipulation, as hinted at by another pp. Good luck, it's very hard to deal with victims of life.

@Anon2000 thank you, I have heard and read this quite a lot. I don’t think he would stoop that low thankfully. He does have some dignity.

To get out of this you need to remember one thing only.

You only get one life.

Repeat that again and again and again until you realise.

Sympathies op. Sounds like you need a rainy day fund. Also known as an escape fund. Just throwing an idea out here. Maybe stop your own therapy and save that money. Still leave the house! Cheap coffee somewhere? Make plans? Decompress?
It really strikes me that he is putting in a huge amount of effort to be useless.
You see his tricks. You are wise to his behaviour patterns. You can now predict it.

It all sounds really draining and you have already noted the calm without him around.

Surely Grow The Fuck Up You Prick should cover it?

@2catsandhappy I’m ok financially but you are right I need to get smart around that. I don’t know if the effort to be useless is less than the effort of actually growing a backbone and doing the things?

@Santaisstilleatingmincepies if only.