Help me work this out

[bouquetofpeonies]

Hello all,

I really need some perspective on this family issue, which has come to a head just before my sister's wedding.

To give some background, my family members are all the type of people who would rather sit and ignore a problem rather than confronting it, leading to lots of resentment and letting mean behaviour continue out of fear of 'rocking the boat'. As you can all imagine, this means that there are lots of simmering tensions and the few kind family members end up taking a lot of s* (excuse my language) because they don't want to upset anyone further.

So, my sister is due to get married in a couple of months. She hasn't invited our uncle, who lives in another country. This is because he criticised her post A-Level choices and she felt he didn't respect her (this happened almost a decade ago, she's had almost no contact with him since then). In general this uncle isn't really involved in family life (he didn't attend his grandfathers funeral, for example). He's quite an awkward person, a lot of this comes (in my opinion) from an absolutely awful, tragic event that happened to him in his childhood that my grandparents feel very guilty for. I don't feel comfortable giving more details on the event.

My sister, however, did not tell my uncle about the wedding at all. Neither did my parents. I told my sister that it was unlikely he would come, so it would not hurt to send an invitation but she did not want him to come. A couple of days ago, he finally found out that she was getting married, and was extremely hurt. My grandparents apparently did not know that my immediate family had kept him in the dark, and have now said that they will not be attending the wedding either.

My sister feels that my grandparents do not love her as much they love their son. My father feels that his in-laws are overreacting (he is very close with my sister and pretty much lets her do what she wants - even when she is badly behaved, this is a whole other story). My mother is devastated because she wants everyone to get along. My grandparents are so angry with my sister for not even telling my uncle (particularly as my sister has invited other family members with whom she has had more recent arguments - she is planning on going no contact with another 5 family members after the wedding).

I can't help thinking that my sister is the cause of this, by not telling my uncle and hiding the news of the wedding from him. But I also respect her choice to invite who she wants. I feel so bad thinking that her own grandparents will not attend, but I also understand that my grandparents and uncle are livid that she could hide the news from him.

Does anyone else have any experience of a family drama like this? I don't know how to proceed, given that to a certain extent I feel everyone is partly in the wrong. I want my sister to have a wonderful wedding, but this might be difficult given that almost all of my family are so proud. I don't really know what I'm looking for here, just maybe knowing that I'm not alone in realising that actually, the family that I thought was loving is actually quite self-centered. Or maybe you will tell me that I am being too harsh and they are actually all normal and this is reasonable behaviour! Honestly I would love to be told that! In any case thank you for reading through all of this xxx

she is planning on going no contact with another 5 family members after the wedding

JFC what a two-faced, manipulative bitch your sister is.
The rest of your relatives sound fairly normal, apart from your sister-enabling dad.

Was your family dynamic growing up all about not rocking your sister's boat, & making sure nobody 'upset' her? If so, no wonder she has grown into the self-involved drama llama she is.

You cannot change people, & your best bet for your own equilibrium is to disengage. Let your sister create whatever havoc she needs to, let other relatives respond however they need to, but don't get caught up in it. Grey Rock any heated discussions, & just enjoy the wedding on your own terms.
www.e-counseling.com/mental-health/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/

@ChargingBuck

Thank you for your reply and for the link. I didn't really notice that my family tried to not rock her boat when I was younger, it's really in the recent few years that I've noticed my father really taking a preference (things like her and my father coming to visit me and deciding to spend the day out by themselves). But I love her and I want her to have a perfect day - I suppose I can't do anything to help the situation but it's so hard to think of her missing her grandparents on her wedding day.

The only thing you can do in my opinion is to sit back and let your sister have the day she wants how she wants.I have a feeling logic would not sway her opinions. I think she has really a right to invite who she likes and not invite who she chooses,Weddings are notorious for aggro there is someone who will always be put out one way or the other often for such insignifiant reasons.If sides are taken such as your Grandparents have then your sister will have to accept that and enjoy her day the best she an without them theres nothing you can do sadly, She will be ok with other friends and relitives, Step back OP dont worry just go with the flow and just dont get over involved, Try not to voice an opinion on the fall outs just try to keep positive for a lovely wedding day, That s what I would do

it's so hard to think of her missing her grandparents on her wedding day.

Part of letting go & Grey Rocking is to help yourself stop focusing on other people's behaviour * emotional states. because it's simply not your responsibility. If she misses her GP's on her wedding day, that's down to her own choices. You don't need to feel bad about it.

In fact - why DO you feel bad for her?
She never felt bad about being invited to visit you with your dad, then standing you up so she could hog dad all to herself. Stop overinvesting! - easier said than done I know, but you need to find a way of detaching somewhat.

Your sister and your dad are very much one and the same. Read a lot more about narcissistic family structures; this precise sort of crap goes on within those. And you can take it as read that your sister does not love you.

Another MNetter wrote about rocking the boat on another thread and some posters found it helpful. You may also find it helpful.

#Don't rock the boat.

I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.

At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?

Ballast!

And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did.

When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.

While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

@Iputthetrampintrampoline Thank you for your reply. I think that is what I will have to do. I can see things from everyone's side, and unfortunately it looks like no one will be completely happy. Like you said she ha a right to invite who she wants - but unfortunately she also has to own her choice.

@ChargingBuck Thank you again for your response. I feel bad because she's my sister... I know that she didn't feel bad about shutting me out some times in the past, but I don't feel capable of letting it blow over me. But you are right, it is because of her own choices. I've been really hurt in the past (more than anything by my father unwilling to stand up to her behaviour) and I suppose I hoped that she would realise that she should have handled this differently.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Wow thank you for this. I will check out that other thread. "Don't rock the boat" it really sums up my family dynamics. Particularly the part where the boat-steadiers hang on to the boat-rockers. In the case of my parents, I think they are both boat-steadiers, but my mother has to steady both her parents, her sibling and her daughter. My DP has said as much.

In some ways I feel like Tony Soprano! It's too difficult to imagine that your family could have such bad behaviour towards each other, it's easier to pretend everything is normal - even when (as for Tony) your mother actually conspired to kill you. Obviously my situation is not at all like that though

My DP has said as much.

I am so glad DP has insight into the dynamic - he's unlikely to be co-opted into boat-steadying, & you can lean on his example & clarity of mind when you feel torn.

@ChargingBuck I'm very lucky to have him. He's very emotionally intelligent and prefers to discuss problems whereas I prefer to bury things. But this means I'm forced to confront difficult truths - it's obviously a good thing but can be difficult when you've been taught to accept inacceptable things since you were small.

Lovely update Peonies :)

You maybe 'bury things' because you learned, growing up with your sister & dad, that if you spoke up, you wouldn't be heard, & your feelings would not be validated. It's brilliant that you now have that from DP.

He's also lucky to have you - your kindness & non-judgemental attitude pretty much leaps off the page.

@ChargingBuck Thank you so much for your kind message. It really means a lot to me.

I'd be lying if I said that my feeling weren't validated growing up - I think I actually learnt that hurt feelings mattered more than kind behaviour and generous acts. As in being told: "Don't make so-and-so upset" even if so-and-so had done something mean.

Gosh, I'm approaching 30 and I feel like I'm only now learning how real relationships work!