Should I tell my daughter her dad was abusive?

[thepeopleversuswork]

I split from my DD's dad when she was four and we were divorced about 18 months ago: she's about to turn 11. Throughout the last years of our marriage and the initial years of our separation he was really quite abusive to me: threats of physical violence (and one or two incidents of actual violence), verbal abuse, harassment, heavy drinking and total refusal to participate in family life.

I'm not excusing this at all, it wasn't good enough, but I now realise a lot of it was as a result of his then extremely poor mental health.

We are now in a very different place: he is in a much better place in almost every way as am I and the financial wrangling over the divorce is in the past. To my great surprise, our relationship now is pretty good, considering. Its cordial and sometimes almost friendly (I'm in a settled relationship so absolutely no romantic element).

We don't share childcare at all so she doesn't stay with him as a result of the fact that he was subject to a non-molestation order and his housing situation is not ideal. So I have full residence and I support her totally, he pays no maintenance at all (thankfully I don't really need it). I'm under no illusions about the fact he's not dad material and he has let her (and me) down. But we have a perfectly workable parenting relationship and I know he loves her.

I've always taken the view that whatever he has done to me, I want my daughter to have a good relationship with her dad and not to poison her view of him so have not discussed the abuse with her. When she's asked why we separated I just said we no longer made each other happy and got on much better when we didn't live together and we are now good friends.

A friend has suggested that its important I talk to her about the real reasons why we split, in part to protect her against this in her own life. And also to point out that a man who doesn't support his children in any way is not a good father.

I'm in two minds about this: I can understand that it might be important for her not to think of him as an ideal male role model and I certainly think she ought to be aware of red flags for abuse in future relationships. But I also can't see how it could be helpful really to open up this can of worms and upset my daughter by painting an upsetting portrait of him, particularly when our parenting relationship works quite well.

Any thoughts from others?

Why would you burden an 11 year old with this?

Not at 11.
But, potentially when she's older.

It's asking for trouble especially in her informative years.

Why on Earth does your friend think that trying to turn your daughter against her father is a good idea? Because that’s what it amounts to. Why else would you be bringing it up if not to make sure she thinks less of him?

There are much better ways to teach children about relationships and healthy boundaries - by modelling then in your own life.

I didn't tell my DC the reasons why. I didn't lie, but I didn't volunteer the information. However, the first time they asked (late teens) I was truthful, in an age-appropriate way. Didn't go in to any detail at all, and said if they wanted to discuss it in more depth then I would always be happy to talk. I'd leave the ball in their court.

I don't think I would have volunteered the information at any age (unless I felt there was a safety / wellbeing issue in them not knowing, or that I was lying by omission), and certainly not at 11. That is far too young to understand / process that sort of information.

At 11, no way. It would be very confusing and probably frightening for her and you could also be accused of parental alienation so I would be very careful.

The Courts also take the view that the relationship between parents should not affect a parent's relationship with the child(ren).

I think the time will come when she is in a relationship, when she might wish to discuss it then.
Not now, when she is 11.

You need to be careful with how much you tell her at this age. It is very difficult for a child to process this sort of information if you are still expect her to see him.

I think id say something along the lines of that your dad loves you but he was not a good husband or partner to me and he hurt me, but im glad he seems to be more settled now

If she has never known that this was the reason then I wouldn't volunteer the information until she was older.

However, my DD was on the receiving end of some of DH's abuse - emotional and occasionally physical - and so when I made him leave and she asked why (aged 7) I told her, age-appropriately and in very general terms, to help her understand why he had to go, and also to keep her safe in her dealings with him after that - she needed to know that it was not ok for him to behave badly towards her.

This approach was recommended to me by the GP and her teacher because she's a bright girl, we have a very trusting relationship and she wanted to understand, not because I was desperate to tell her or to smear him (even if I felt like it). She still sees him and hopefully always will, but she knows what his abuse looks like in case he is ever stupid enough to do it again...at which point he would not be seeing her any longer.

It was very hard to do, and if I'd had a choice I would have left it until she was older...but she asked directly and knows I don't lie to her, so I told her the truth so she would continue to trust me however hard things got between me and her dad, and whatever decisions I had to make to keep her safe.

My father drunk, and was also abusive when drunk - so that was the reason why my mom divorced him. I was about 4 as well. And I actually did remember a little bit of some scary moments. Hazily but still.
So - the fact that he drunk - I always knew.
What I didn’t know as a kid was just how bad it was at times for my mom.

11 is too early to have those conversations. But - does she know anything at all about his struggle with mental health?

I think some of that can be something she may be able to understand - as kids these days are a lot more aware of those issues. So - when she asked - you could have said - daddy was unwell mentally and we had a difficult relationship.

I think something like that actually needs to be said so that won’t then be a shock later when you tell her more.
But even when you do - it doesn’t need to be in great detail. More for her to know in general sense and as part of her medical history.

(For me, for example - knowing my father was an alcoholic - made me careful and I barely drink. And I tend to not have relationship with people who drink to excess.
I don’t know what sort of MH issues he had - but in case it does get passed on - she needs to be aware. Or in case she meets someone who has similar issues)