When abuse is in the past how to move away from the memories? Stuck!

[Moveonnow1]

When you have been through abuse and it’s in the past but you don’t like the memories you have what do you do?

I’ve had therapy to understand what happened but I still simply don’t like what has happened. I’m stuck I guess on what on earth, how on earth, come on how could you let that happen to yourself!

Does time simply help with this. When my dad died I was deeply hurting but time has eased that, does it work the same?

I think self blame doesn’t help - if it happened to a friend would you be asking her how she allowed it to happen? I suspect you’d offer her care, and empathy and understanding. You’re blaming yourself for someone else’s action, which isn’t fair. Look at the situation through the eyes of a friend, even if you think you in some way contributed to what happened or made unwise choices, you aren’t to blame for your own abuse. Once you place responsibility firmly where it belongs, with the person who abused you, you can move forward without beating yourself up.

been there got the t shirt.it takes a lot,be knid to your self i got a dog who i adore.eat well get fit have me time,replace bad memories with good ones.i could not evan watch some tv programmes that showed similar stuff till recently.its like a death you need to mourn and get over the bad stuff.it will happen good luck xx

@Jellycatspyjamas it’s been 3 years now since I left the 12 year marriage. Some of my behaviour seems really pathetic to me now and very immature. Clinging on desperately to someone I was scared of and didn’t love. I understand how abuse works but still it all feels reply “yuk” now.

Judging yourself then by who you are and what you know now is deeply unfair. Hindsight is great, but at the time you did the best you could and, as the saying goes, you know better now.

Fifteen years is a long time, and that’s how long ago you went into that relationship- younger, less wise, less able to advocate for yourself. It’s like 20 year old me blaming 5 year old be for not being able to read - a skill that is second nature now but that I had to learn.

And that’s without recognising then impact of abuse and the trauma that goes with it. Instead of looking back at how pathetic you think you were, credit yourself with surviving, you did leave, you’ve made a new life for yourself against the odds. Don’t let that new life be marred by blaming yourself for what you didn’t know then - it’s continuing the old abuse and it won’t serve you well.

You deserve all the happiness in the world, you’re worthy of a new life with all that entails. The strength you’ve shown in getting out is incredible - celebrate those parts of yourself.

Is your therapist well versed in domestic violence? I also found EMDR helped me immensely with regaining self-esteem. Still a work in progress and still fell into another abusive relationship later on, but pulled myself back from the brink of repeating the same mistakes and I know for sure that one session of EMDR was very powerful. YouTube is chock full of brilliant channels, one in particular is the Crappy Childhood Fairy.

What kind of therapy did you have?

Talk therapy isn't for everyone or it isn't enough for everyone so if you just had counselling then that may not be enough to help you let go.

You said you understand how abuse works...some people do benefit hugely from talk therapy and learning about 'why' certain things happened or why they acted a certain way..and just the understanding of it helps them to move on, but for a lot of others that's not enough, understanding doesn't undo the trauma or lessen the memories of it.

I agree with Irishkatie about EMDR, it could be very beneficial to you!

I'm sorry you're going through this. I agree with PPs, seek out EMDR therapy. I have done similar (not full EMDR process, but elements of it) and it has really helped me remove the intense emotional pain attached to some of my most traumatic memories.